Friday, August 26, 2011

Asked and Answered, Bitches.

Can I just say how much I love you all?  Because I do.  And I am not a person who takes kindly to people.  But you? YOU ALL MAKE ME SO FUCKING HAPPY.
Seriously.

My back is still hurty, but on the plus side . . . my hair has been looking fantastic.  See? POSITIVE MOTHERFUCKING THINKING.  It's what makes me a winner.

You know what else does?

Being a smartypants and giving advice:


Dear Suniverse, 
 
There is a dude in my local supermarket who often stands at the end of the aisle, staring at me, with one hand down his pants. I have seen him do this to other women too. Obviously he is a total catch. How do I summon the courage to ask him for his number? 
 
Love, WhyAMISingle?
 
 
Dear WhyAMISingle?
Ah, the sinuous, delicate mating dance of the human race.  It's difficult to know how to read another person's signals - is he winking or having a seizure? Is she shooting me an alluring look or does she have to make a poo? 

You, of course, are already on the path to dreamy lovemaking with the pant-fondling bohunk, so you're ahead of the game.  You just have to summon up the nerve to make the first second move [first move is obviously him sending you the subtle "I'm interested" by emphasizing his manmeat].  This is easily done by either getting really drunk before you go to the grocery store [which is actually a great way to go to the grocery store] or by having him served with a restraining order.

I'm waiting to be asked to be a bridesmaid!

XO,

Suniverse
 
 
********
 
Dear Suniverse, 
 
Every time I see a young, slender girl look at me like I'm some old, saggy pair of stained granny panties I want to kick her in the teeth, kidnap her Abercrombie model of a boyfriend and hide him in my basement, and maybe gypsy curse her with an overtly visual glandular disease. Does this mean I'm a bitter old hag? More importantly, where can I buy handcuffs, and what's the legal age of consent in Washington sate? 
 
le Chef
 
 
Darling le Chef,

You, dear sweetness, are NOT a bitter old hag.  You are the perfect age and size and type and you, by the way, are a FABULOUS DRESSER.  Plus, you're so fit and in-shape, you are ready to kick it at the drop of a twat.  That you can fling a gypsy curse is an excellent way of showing off your multi-cultural savoir faire, which makes you even more irresistible to Abercrombie boy [the dumb ones really like smart, sexy women - it makes them try harder in the sack, as they are very goal oriented].  Also you won't have to hide him in the basement, since the legal age of consent is 16 [SCORE!].  
 
I would still get the handcuffs, but for funsies.  I recommend here for real sexy time role playing and here for real sexytime.
 
Enjoy your good loving,
Suniverse
 
PS That girl? Is well on her way to the really bad kind of osteoporosis [the Quasimodo-hump making kind].
 
***********

Dear Suniverse,


I want to do unspeakably painful things to my boss, who is a complete douche canoe. Any suggestions on where I should start?


Sincerely,
Tired of cleaning up her office


Dear Tired,

Is this a dream? Because who WOULDN'T want to do horrible things to his or her boss?  Not even Mother Theresa's minions were thrilled with her 24-7.  I mean, All Lepers All The Time? COME ON.

You have two options - both of which are stealth, because nobody wants to get fired - so you can gaslight your boss or you can give your boss a CDC-level traumatic disease.  I, being a hypochondriac, would go with the gaslighting. 

First, watch the excellent documentary Gaslight, starring Charles Boyer and Ingrid Bergman.  It will give you many fine examples of how to make your boss crazy.  I think you need an actual gaslight, but you can probably find one on eBay.  You can call your boss and pretend to be a dead person.  There's no end to fun stuff you can do.  You will also probably be able to find confederates, but I'd be very careful, because people have big fucking mouths.  And then you'll just have more people to have to deal with.

Or you can probably get a virulent strain of something and smear it on your bosses office workspaces.  But that's a little messier, and if you're anything like me, there isn't enough hand sanitizer in the world to make me feel better.

Wishing you well!

Suniverse

*******

So, lovers, what queries do you have for me now?

13 comments:

  1. Hahahahahahahaha this one is a winner. Love this post. Ok, can't stop laughing now. hahahahaha you're too much, you know that??? The manmeat handler, the Quasimodo osteoporosis, the "All Lepers All the Time?" hahahahaha. Peeing in my pants right now.

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  2. "All Lepers All the Time?" I might just pee myself here at work.

    plus I have been having GOOD HAIR DAYs too, much be mercury in retrograde. ;)

    love you bitches! xo

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  3. this is THE AWESOME. and I'm cracking up. and thank you - because I was just wondering what to do about MY boss myself, and I just might have to use your advice - so, THANKS!

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  4. ACK!!

    Everytime I come here, I find more evidence of how we must somehow just be the same person.

    Gaslight! Watch gaslight!

    That's exactly what I was thinking of advice, too.

    That movie...all men /women/ but NO children need to watch this movie.

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  5. 'I'm waiting to become a bridesmaid' !!! AHA HA HA HA HA HAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAAHA!

    That was wonderful.

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  6. I don't even know where to start here. "All Lepers all the time" and osteoporosis for the hot girl??? I'm dying.

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  7. mating dance of the human race. can i use that? seriously.

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  8. I keep telling Bill to keep his hands out of his pants.

    Or at least stay out of the supermarket.

    But WhyAMISingle can't have him.

    He's all mine...

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  9. Douche canoe? Love it. or them. whatever, I love your posters and your answers. Awesome.

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  10. Wow, you are so much better than E. Jean in - what's the magazine? - Cosmo? Elle? You know who I'm talking about.

    Savvy, funny, compassionate! AND you said manmeat.

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Every time you comment, I get a lady boner.