Monday, July 2, 2012

Picnic? Yeah, no.

As I've noted, I despise the heat and bugs of summer.

I do love entertaining, though.

So what I do for summertime entertaining is invite people over, where I make sure we hang out INSIDE. Because when people invite you over to their house during what's considered "nice weather", the have a penchant for making you sit outside.

This sucks for so many, many reasons.

Bugs. Food poisoning. Sweating into the dip.

Random animals running into people's yards.

The infernal heat. Oh, god, the heat.

Anyway, we enjoy entertaining, I enjoy controlling my environment, and, despite the fact that we have a wee little house in the middle of a busy neighborhood with a tiny backyard, we have somehow become the default setting for summertime holiday extravaganzas.

We had a Memorial Day party, on a blistering 90 degree day.

We had a Fourth of July party this week. It was full of family [seriously, pick a family member and they were here.]  It was also hot as a motherfucker and not even the enticement of running through the sprinklers while eating a cherry popsicle had me interested in heading outside. You know what was fun? Sitting in the living room in front of the AC vent.

We're having friends over for an almost actual July 4th party on July 3rd.  I hope the weather will miraculously become temperate and mild, and we can sit on the deck, in sweaters, sipping drinks and smelling delicious charred hunks of meat on the grill. [You are, as ever, invited.]

In the even this doesn't occur, you can be sure you will find me indoors, pretending to be doing continual prep work/clean up/laundry/my quarterly taxes.

We'll probably put up the badminton net. I may spring for a bocce ball set.  We will for sure have squirt guns. Or maybe just buckets of water to refresh our heated loins.

What are you going to be doing? Is it indoors or in the air conditioning? If I find the people at my party intolerable, can I come?

Happy Independence Day, America. And England? We still miss you. [Sorry about the fight - I know it was nasty, but time heals, right?]  Canada? Call me.


  1. Bugs can ruin everything. Damn the bugs!

  2. Heated loins. Uh huh.

    I'll be there - gimme your deets. I'll punch it into the GPS.

  3. Happy Independence Day to you too! I am a fan of AC but, in the summer, feel obligated to entertain outdoors until the mosquitos get so bad it's just bad hosting manners to subject guests to their fierce little proboscises. I had to stop and google the plural of proboscis. I did that for you. That must mean you are special :-D

  4. As I read this, I scratching holes in my feet from all the bug bites I received from a recent summer outing. Also? The air is turned down so low in my house I am actually shivering.

  5. If it weren't for autumn , I'd never go outside.

  6. I plan on being inside. Outside sucks in the summer.

  7. I do not go outside for any reason. When was the last time I was outside? I went out to get a head start on uniform shopping a couple of days ago, and before that I don't know.

    I'm not doing anything for the 4th, because I'm a loser like that.

    1. Ugh don't start on the uniforms, JUST DO NOT! I called myself head-starting too but damn can I get a 3T navy pant ANYWHERE (except Lands' End because #1 they piss me off not fixing that incorrect apostrophe and #2 they're high as a giraffe's ass. Why would I pay $22for small boy pants as opposed to Old Navy's or Children's Place's $11-14?

    2. See, now I'm giggling. I should have also qualified my uniform dismay with "he is skinny." The Target pants don't come with adjustable waists and if I drop him down to a 2T for width I'm setting him up length-wise. French Toast online has some for a similar price, but they're the same. I know, I know, get a belt. But, not yet, not for him.

  8. We found a Living Social for "The Mosquito Authority." They sprayed and it has been heaven for 2 weeks. Supposedly lasts about 3. Then we went out and bought an Industrial Fan at Sam's Club. Even when it is hot, standing in a wind tunnel helps!

  9. OK so um, yeah, I'ma just go 'head and put this out there: we don't have central air. We have a few window units (that we don't use). The devil was in there yesterday talking about, "the fuck is wrong witchall?" We bought a portable a/c a couple years back and it works ok for ONE room but the house is pretty open and oddly doorless so it's almost pointless; all the heat from other areas of the house finds its way to that room and defeats its purpose. It has something to do with not having air growing up and just being used to being hot. It also has something to do with not wanting to give Pepco another motherfucking penny because THOSE BASTARDS. It also has something to do with wanting to mentally scar my children. Also, people offer to keep our kids more often because they feel sorry for their cool airless plight.

    I recently told friends that if they loved me they'd visit my home in summer. The only response outside of stares accompanied by the sound of crickets was, "Bitch, I might as well be outside. I do not love you that much."

  10. I'm giggling as I read this, sitting at work, with a fan hidden under my desk, aimed at my lady bits. Thinking of you and wishing we could get loaded in the kitchen doing "prep work" together...


  11. I wish I was going to be indoors, but I'll probably end up outside: sweating and crying.

  12. I'm sick and twisted. I LOVE being outside in the summer. Just the sun's uv's kill me. I hate sunlotion it's so sticky and crap. But I have to put it on. Boo UV rays.

  13. No.

    Also? Eating at the beach? No. Sand, insects, sunscreen, wind. NO.

    Eating at a table with a comfortable ambient temperature, no insects and no sand? YES!

    Isn't this what evolution did for us?

    Sarah xxx

  14. I'm really, really trying to get July 4 as a holiday in Britain -- "Good Riddance Day" has a good ring to it, doesn't it?

    We ended up hosting for the 4th . . . and while the kids were cute & all, it was just too damn hot to even think about being outside, so we got to sit inside. And it was wonderful. And there was beer.

    Ahh, America. Fuck yeah.

  15. Did you survive the party? Are they still at your house?

  16. I'm ready to pack up and move to Arizona, where it's not as freakin' hot as Michigan. This was the first July 4th I can ever remember where none of our hosts had their barbecue picnics outside. One poor soul stood out there sweating all over the hot dogs while the rest of us huddled over the AC vents. Also, first summer ever where a good stiff drink of vodka evaporates before it hits the blood stream. Messed up, all of it.

  17. FYI...I stayed inside for the whole day except when I ventured out at 6pm to sit with my hub in our DRIVEWAY, to bbq our burgers on the little habichi (sp?) grill. He set up chairs and the sprinkler (to hose down our feet) and made us mojitos. It was all so white trash, I loved it. Then I went in. Later we watched fireworks, on t.v.

  18. Pssst..

    England's still "bovered."

    Love you, girl.

  19. I went to my sister-in-law's. She has the biggest house. She has appropriated all the holiday/family get-togethers. I am fine with this arrangement. I don't have to clean. We were sometimes in the house, sometimes out of it. I played a giant game of jenga in the garage with the children. The big children, that is. It was hot in the garage. There was a black widow spider on one of the jenga blocks. Everybody screamed except my son and me. We are not afraid of bugs, even deadly bugs. We killed that mother fucker.

  20. i got so chilly, i had to put on a jacket. los angeles on the westside gets cold at night.

    there aren't many bugs, but there a fuck ton of annoying as shit humans.

  21. You - Me - The A/C Vent = best threesome evah!

  22. Seriously.

    We really do need to go to Canada.

    Lori is there.


  23. Oh, am I so feeling your pain about the heat. We Floridians make it our mission never to entertain outside unless swimming pools and misters are involved. And not like Johns or anything. I mean the stands that mist you.

    And you do NOT want to know what I did for the Fourth, but I'll tell you anyway. Are you ready to totally hate me? Our best friends just bought...A BEACH HOUSE and a BOAT! We are so happy they're our best friends. God smiled upon us the day he brought the four of us together. So we boated and frolicked on the beach. Sorry. But you asked. I'll slink away now.

  24. I would do anything for some nice weather. Summer in England = rain. Just like Autumn, Winter and Spring. It's just one rainy season the whole year round.

  25. Bugs and heat - the top two reasons I left Florida for New England. Bugs and heat - the top two reasons I am now beginning to detest New England. Will they never end?


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