Wednesday, October 5, 2011

Midweek Update - Because I Can't Do Anything Right

So, first, thanks to you all for your questions. The exciting news is that I'm going to be doing a twice-monthly general advice column for FunnynotSlutty [shhhhh . . . let's just pull the curtain on those college years, shall we?] which is fucking awesome, because who doesn't want to be part of a group of women who enjoy the funny? Also, I get to continue to tell people what to do, which is something I love more than artery clogging soup. And since it's a general advice column, I'm pretty sure anything goes. Let's push those boundaries, right?

Second, the girl is back for a few days for October break, which I guess is a thing.  We'll be taking her back to school for parents' weekend, which goes until Monday, because evidently every day is a weekend for rich people. 

I'm more than a little excited to see the girl.  While I am, for the most part, a woman who balks at sensitivity [unless it's my senses being intruded upon] and emotions and human relationships [so messy, and so many feelings!] I love my girl.  She's amazing and really makes me happy.  Even when she's being a total idiot teenager and I want to choke her until the sass shoots out of her eyeballs.

Also, I finally bought a velvet jacket.  Because I am secretly a Vegas lounge singer.  This is something that's super important, not only because it is fucking gorgeous, but because it represents a huge step forward in my ability to do things for myself.  I've wanted a velvet jacket for a while - I had one years ago and looked super cool and if I can no longer recapture my youth by staying out all night drinking and having random sex, the least I can do is dress like a bad ass. 

Every year for the past umpteen years, I keep wanting a velvet jacket, and every year I hem and haw because they're so expensive and then I dick around and don't get one and then lament how I don't have a velvet jacket and how much cooler would everything I own look with a velvet jacket? SO MUCH COOLER.  Over the weekend, I finally bought one, paying FULL PRICE [which is something that chafes at me in all circumstances] because I knew if I waited I would never find one that fit so perfectly and then 2 days later I get an email coupon for 25% off my next purchase.  The lovely people at Talbots [I'm old, where do you think I'd get a velvet jacket? Hot Topic?] actually let me use the coupon on the jacket, so I was feeling pretty good about getting a substantial discount.  So good that I ended up spending my substantial savings on a shirt.  Because I am a fool when it comes to money.  A fool who would make Suze Orman cry.

The really bitter thing is that after two weeks of shitty, cold weather, the day after I get my fabulous velvet jacket it's started a stretch of 70 plus weather.  I just pet my jacket and wait for a cold front.

What do you do to make yourself feel better? Besides abuse other people's prescription meds?


  1. Hahahahahaha!!! Hot Topic!!!
    Congrats on FunnynotSlutty!!! Yay!
    Now I want a velvet jacket! What color did you get?

  2. I go out and blow 40 bucks at Wal of Evil. Like clockwork. Sad, pathetic, clockwork.

  3. Funny not slutty?

    Well, of course, because you're funny and..

    never mind, you've turned over a new leaf.



  4. Well first I abuse my own prescription meds....and then I go borrow the neighbors.

    I'm glad your girl is back!

  5. The girl is home!
    You are rocking a velvet jacket!
    You're funny not slutty....bur you were me..and I so love you for that!

    Can you give me some advice how to be slutty and married and NOT divorced? I'll let you think on that for a while.

    Love u xo

  6. Congratulations on the Funny Not Slutty gig! That's fabulous! I know what a big deal it is because I have been told over and over by SOMEONE over there that I am NOT, I repeat NOT funny. Lucky for me I AM deluded so it hasn't really fazed me ;)

  7. Ah, the days when slutty was funny. In those days I wore a velvet jacket. For reals. Now you've put a bee in my bonnet...

  8. Velvet jacket? Really?

    Can you wear it with flip flops and a ponytail?

    Oh wait. I cut off my hair. So no ponytail for me anymore.

    Awesome. Can I borrow your jacket?

    p.s. HOORAY for the girl being home. Really really really.

  9. Oh yeah and HOLY SHIT FunnynotSlutty!!!


    I thought the velvet jacket was cool...

    But this news just tore a hole in the universe.
    Or something.

    Plus, pets and feces? I live in denial.
    And probably feces.


Every time you comment, I get a lady boner.