In Memoriam: Burn Notice

There are things I love - television shows, movie franchises, book series - that have disappointed me.  I mean, I started out loving them, and then . . . they falter. 


And I give them a second chance. 


And they suck even worse.


I've decided to give eulogies to the things I once loved that have been wrenched from my life because of shitty writing or execution.  Here are their sad tales.

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I love Burn Notice.  Love it.

That's exactly what I look like when I'm in Miami.

Have you seen this show?

It's about a spy [Michael Westen, played by Jeffery Donovan, who is new to me, but awfully cool] who got burned and was tossed out of his super secret spy world and into Miami with no money, no job, no nothing.

But still with a kickass Armani suit and super cool sunglasses.

As he tells us, when you're a spy and you get burned, you deal with whoever you can: Your trigger happy ex-girlfriend [Fiona, played by Gabriel Anwar, late of the Tudors, where she smothered her aged husband while he was waiting to have sex with her on their wedding night. Fucking awesome, right?],

Do NOT mess with Fiona. But she could use a sandwich, right? Just saying.

the guy who used to inform on you to the FBI [Sam, played by the inimitable Bruce Campbell]

I'd trust him.  And be his ladyfriend.

and even your family [Madeleine, played by the delightful Sharon Gless - where have you been, Sharon?  You are spectacular.].

Here she is with Lacey.  I mean Cagney. No. Lacey.  Christine Cagney and Marybeth Lacey.  Yup.  That's it.  Cagney and Lacey.  What a great show. 

Anyway, so Michael is a burned spy and he does jobs for people who need help.  Or for criminals.  Or for a combination of the two.  He's also trying to find out who burned him so he can either get back into the CIA or hurt them.

I had seen ads for this show, on billboards, in magazines, on tv.  But I resisted.  Oh, how foolish I was.

Because.

Michael Westen?  Complete badass.

I mean, look at this guy:

I would roll over on my mother if this was me.

Doesn't he look like he could kill you with his thumbs?

So, to sum up, complete badass whose relationships with Fiona and Sam and Madeleine are sharp and smart and funny.

There's a lot of discussing how to pull off capers, too, like if you need to know how to best pick a lock [modify the ear pieces of a cheap pair of sunglasses, because they work the same as a set of lock picks, but if you get caught with them, you're just a guy with broken sunglasses.  See?  Aren't you glad you know this now?] or how to improvise an armored car [telephone books.  Seriously.] or even how to make a taser [with a disposable camera, duh].

There are, in fact, a lot of reasons to watch this show, to really enjoy it.

Or at least there WERE.

Until this season, when it got Cousin Olivered with the introduction of Jesse. [No.  I will not deign to put a photo of him on my blog.  No.]  Who is such a dud that I honest to god spend each episode hoping, out loud, that he gets killed.

"Stand closer to the explosive device," I'll yell. "You need to be closer, you fucking asshole!"

Or "This would be the perfect time for Fiona to take him out.  He's not suspecting a thing.  And she likes to shoot people," I'll say.

Or even just "OH MY FUCKING GOD, THIS GUY IS A CANCER ON THIS SHOW.  JESSE IS RUINING EVERYTHING!!!"

And so, I've got to say, that as much as I once loved Burn Notice, as much as it was once weekly viewing in my life, that time is gone.  A stake has been driven through the love I once had for this show.  A wooden stake that is shaped like Jesse [but is a better actor].

RIP in my heart, Burn Notice.

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