Wednesday, August 31, 2011

Goddamn Canada*

O.k., I just got an email from some Canadian something or other trying to help me find a job because it's so hard to find work when you are OVER 50.  I AM ONLY 43.  ASSHOLES.

What the fuck, Canada? Tired of being the nice guy, the good neighbor, the purveyor of poutine? You gotta get up in my tired face and call me 50????
French fries, cheese curds and beef gravy. YUM!
While I am generally not a person who gives a shit about age [mostly because I have been blessed to have the oily Mediterranean skin that doesn't really wrinkle but does enjoy giving me acne at 40fucking3], I am not in the mood to be called 50.

I have a lot of stuff to do, and adding seven goddamn years to the tab is not easing my anxiety level.

Do you do those life lists? Me neither. 

Mostly because I try and then I get all hyperventilate-y about how I'll never get to go to Paris with a lover or even Vegas with girlfriends or enjoy setting a signed first edition copy of Atlas Shrugged on fire.

I would be o.k. with any of that if I knew there was something wonderful and glamorous I could accomplish.

So I am asking you, my friends, my lovers, my confidants who never called me 50 [to my face], what do you think my life-listy goal should be for the next few months:

Write a goddamn novel, already.
Re-learn how to play a lovely flute solo.
Take amazing photos of my family members to put up in my house.
Eat more varieties of lettuce.

I'm thinking these could be entertaining and fun and almost as exciting as finding a new career after 50. 

* But my love for Canadians continues unabated.  I will not take out my spammer frustration on your sweet, Tim Horton delivering selves. PS Let's meet at the Eaton Center in Toronto and do some shopping, please? If I was younger and NOT looking like I was 50, we could hang out with the punks on Yonge Street.  Do the kids still do that? Are they still called punks?  Maybe we should just hang out at a hotel and drink.


  1. Hahahaha... the fucking nerve!
    I don't know if they're called punks anymore - more like street kids, but then again, I haven't been to the Eaton Centre in about 5 years.

    If you wanna make the trip, I'll meet ya for a Timmy's fo'sho! lol

  2. Write a book!!!

    I bet your look fab at 43.

  3. is THAT poutine?!

    I hate those life lists/bucket lists. I have zero desire to walk across hot coals, fly a plane, swim with sharks, visit 100 countries in 100 days, eat bugs, be a reality TV star...whatever. The things I want to do in life are enjoy time with my family and friends, read good books and just be happy. That is it.

    I'm boring and I really don't care.

    PS - you don't look a day over 28

  4. Eek. My Canadian, equally-oily-wrinkle-free-but-pimply-at-forty-plus self bows down in supplication. Sorrrrrrryyyyyyyy. Life lists can suck it.

  5. Mmm thanks to your post I know what I'm going to have for lunch (addicted to poutine). We're not so bad, I'm promise! Come to Vancouver for the views, the poutine, the caesars, the ocean and mountains and you'll be singing a different tune! Damn spam is giving us a bad rap!

  6. Write a novel...definitely. Or the flute solo. I like both, and I think they can be accomplished simultaneously.

    Yeah, I went to a new OB a few years ago for a routine checkup (love those stirrups!). At the end of everything she sits me down and starts talking about how convenient it would be to yank out all my lady bits know...since I'm in my 40's.

    I was 36 at the time. I don't know why it bothered me, since I rarely bother to think about my age, but it DID!

    Deeply offended the doctor by expressing my opionion of a physician who casually recommends thrusting a woman in her 30's (thank you), into menopause for "convenience." Found a new doctor the next day.

  7. most spammers think i'm a dude with a tiny dick who needs a new watch and a college degree.

    also, yeah, write your damn novel.

  8. Novel. 100% novel.

    In my world those are called Disco Fries. I don't know why. But doesn't that have a nice ring to it? YUM!

  9. i don't know what the spammers think of me; of late the spam's either been in what looks like chinese or what looks like arabic...

  10. On behalf of my country, please accept my (obviously near-sighted) apologies. S/He was probably from Quebec. Or Newfoundland.
    I misread your goal as wanting to play the skin flute. Not sure what that days about you, or me.
    ps Please write your book already.

  11. oh suni, i didn't know you had oily meditterarrean skin that doesn't get wrinkles, but still zits...i have that too! yaaaaay

    and of course i recommend writing a novel. duh.

  12. Definitely write a novel to kick Ayn fucking Rand's arse.

    I'll shrug her fucking atlas.

  13. I'm such an underachiever.

    I guess I'm the only one here thinking, "Lettuce. Definitely go with the lettuce."

    That other shit sounds hard.

  14. Ah those Canucks! Always fucking with you, those sweet, lovely people.

    But I say you should be eating different varieties of ice cream and drinking different varieties of cocktails. Leave the lettuce be.

    And besides, you TOTALLY look like you're 30.

  15. The lettuce is totally doable; I would pick that just to knock something off the list ASAP!

  16. I get packets from AARP so maybe I should seek out Canadians a bit more cuz obviously the US thinks I need a fucking walker.

    WRITE THE NOVEL!!! I want to read it!!!

    Besides, you can't hate on Canada Lori Dyan lives there! But you can hate on Quebec because they sent us Celine Dion and are apparently refusing redelivery! Fuckers.

  17. They thought you were over 50 when you're only 43? Maybe that's because they use the metric system over there.
    Canadians aren't so bad. They gave us hockey and Celine Dion.
    On the other hand..........
    There's always Tim Hortons.

  18. 43 US dollars = 50 Canadian dollars? Same exchange rate for years.

    I loved Eaton Center & Younge St & Spadina Ave for shopping. Haven't been in years. I need to get out more.

    We used to get Salt & Vinegar chips in Canada, in the old days, when you couldn't get them here.

  19. well I like Celine Dion. I'm not French and probably one of the few Canuks that do. POUTINE!!! Damn you for stirring up my craving when i'm broke. Well not yet. But I will be after I pay these bills and go grocery shopping. Do you think my Canadian children will mind living on Poutine three meals a day for the next two weeks?

  20. I often get spam in Russian...Cyrillic script and all. Maybe they were offering to find me a job in the Russian frontier because I am almost 50. That, or they are offering me a Russian anti-wrinkle cream.

  21. As the American equal to Celine Dion here: I say,

    Sunny...WRITE THAT BOOK!


Every time you comment, I get a lady boner.