There are days when I'm not just hahaha that's kind of wrong worried about myself, but days when I am really, truly, legitimately worried that there is something completely fucked in the head about me.
For example, yesterday I was driving home from work. Now, because I have crippling panic attacks when I drive on the freeway, I take lesser roads where I need to go. So I'm on this road and I come to a point where it's blocked by a police car and a fire truck. And instead of evincing even the slightest concern about what could have happened to warrant this blockade, I start swearing. A lot. About fucking cuntrag assholes and their stupid bullshit fire truck and what the fuck is wrong with people? Goddamn pieces of shit.
So I detour. And end up on a road that's been closed off by construction. I backtrack and am stuck in traffic, hating everyone so much that I'm honest to god SCREAMING in my car in frustration and rage and self-loathing [why the fuck can't I be normal and just get on the goddamn freeway already and not be a tool?], and I'm sure that all the people walking can probably hear me because I don't think my car is sound proofed. But I don't care, because I hate them, too, and I'm kind of hoping someone gives me a look, because I will get out of my car and chew up their faces. But they don't. Maybe they can sense the swirl of crazy, like when you know a tornado is coming.
And I have to detour again and get stuck at a construction point where a person with one of those STOP signs is standing and so I'm stopped because for who knows what reason, every truck that is involved in paving this ten foot long spot of two lane road [and for some reason there are, no fucking lie, 6 trucks and about 20 people patching a path that is shorter than my driveway] [and my driveway is not long] has to move to the other side of the road. Do you know how long that takes? SO LONG! So long that I actually started crying - great, big, hulking sobs of anger and despair, and also screaming curses at fate and the idiot people walking by and the whole stupid world.
I finally got the wave to go and you know what? The idiot sign holder on the other side waved their person through, so I had to BACK UP and wait for this prick to go through. I cannot explain to you with mere words the black anger that filled me. It tasted like chicken.
I finally got home and ended up talking to a friend, which was helpful, but I just get so tired, sometimes, of my inability to deal. It exhausts me.