Tuesday, July 8, 2014


I've been down lately. There was a bit of time when I was so down I literally could not think of even one small thing that could take away that cloud of self-loathing. It was exhausting and, honestly, a little scary. I thought things that I hadn't thought in a long time - terrible, horrible things about myself and my life.

I'm doing a bit better. I'm letting some things go and really focusing on things I enjoy. I'm swimming and fucking around in the pool a few days a week. I'm working, which is a huge thing for me - when I'm not working, I feel completely fucking useless. I'm also letting up a tiny bit on the rigidity of my scheduled life.

Still, it's taking a while to get to where I want to be, and there are still moments - days, sometimes - where I think, "This is completely fucking useless. Nothing is going to change. My life is terrible, people are terrible, the world is terrible - it's all terrible. Nothing will ever change."

And then, today, while I was fucking around on Tumblr, I ran across this:

From Humans of New York

In case you can't read it, it says:
"Bank robbery was my crime of choice. You know, I hadn’t committed a single crime until the age of 54. But then I robbed my first bank, and after that I went on quite a tear."
I read that, and it made me happy. It gave me hope. It showed me that just because I'm 45, doesn't mean that nothing will ever change. There is the possibility that the new and unexpected will happen.

Sure, that guy's change was robbing banks, but my point is this: I no longer feel like I'm never going to do anything different, that I'll never accomplish anything. This guy's life didn't change until he was 54. It may have changed in a not-so-good direction, but IT CHANGED. That's all I'm looking for - the knowledge that this isn't all there is.

So thanks, Bank Robber, and thanks, Humans of New York, for making me see that there's a world of possibilities waiting for me.


  1. I hate feeling down, thinking of all the undone shit, shit I said I'd do, still plan to do, but usually opt to nap or eat more Cheetos instead of actually doing. Just think. It took this guy *pauses, uses fingers* 9 *pauses, uses fingers again to make sure, still unsure, keeps going* more years to figure out he was good at robbing banks. I know this one near me that doesn't seem to employ smart people or use CCTV...

  2. I'm feeling pretty shitty about myself today. This is an interesting perspective, I'll give ya that!

  3. What a helpful bank robber.

    And I totally understand. It's never "too late". Well, unless I've just died. And then, I probably won't care so much about what I've missed out on so much as I'm freaking out at that gigantic bright light that is coming straight at me.

  4. I love that he's so unapologetic about the whole thing. One day I want to go on "quite a tear." Now to figure out what sort of tear on which to go… I'm glad you're feeling better. If one robs a bank after a rigorous session in the pool, will waterlogged fingers still leave the correct fingerprints? These are crucial questions.

    1. Good question on the fingerprints Angela! Hmm.

      A movie with a friend might cheer you up.

  5. I want to go on a tear too just as long as it's not my pants. Love you

  6. I would also like to add that Julia Child was 32 when she started cooking. Note that is not when she became good at it, just when she started.

    Feeling bad about yourself is one of the worst feelings in the world. I hope you have some better days soon!

  7. Girl, I'm 45, too. And we're both just getting started kicking ass.

  8. I'm just a few years behind but the change will be good and welcoming. You may not see it coming but it may happen sooner than 54 for sure. At least that's what I keep thinking to myself too.


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