Sunday, June 6, 2010

Balance is Bullshit

Positive:  Antibiotics seem to be working - ears are no longer stabby and I can swallow [hello, husband!].
Negative:  Side effects of antibiotics, including, but not limited to, bathroom issues.

Positive:  Got my roots colored, so I no longer look like Terri Nunn

Negative:  I'm so sick of getting my hair colored a boring brown.  I WANT FUNKY COLORS.  Stupid being a grown up.

Positive:  The girl got a really, really cute grown-up-ish haircut.
Negative:  She looks kind of like a grown-up.

Positive:  I cleaned out the vanity drawer full of hair stuff.
Negative:  Because the girl accidentally spilled my entire bottle of Aveda Confixor [$17 retail] in the drawer.  I spent about 45 minutes crying.  I cried while I cleaned it, I cried while I yelled at the girl for not being careful, I cried in the shower, where I cursed this stupid fucking life and stupid fucking house with its tiny stupid fucking drawers.  I hate crying.  And I hate that my life is so fucking bullshit that I ended up crying because of a $17 bottle of hair gel.  And I really, really hate that I yelled at the girl. 

Positive:  The girl is resilient.
Negative:  I feel like the world's shittiest parent, and like I have set her up for a lifetime of being afraid of people who blow their shit for not fucking reason, or for lame reasons, like spilling something.

Positive:  People in my life are supportive and care about me.
Negative:  I continue to mire myself in bad feelings.  Stupid brain chemistry.


  1. Sorry, Suzan. Being mom without being nuts is really hard for me, too.

    One stupid day at a time.

  2. I always say- {Put a quarter in their therapy jar...for that one..)
    Forgive yourself.

    glad you're feeling better.

  3. Post pictures of the hair! :)

  4. KathyR, thanks. It's good to know I'm not alone. Plus, I love the AA reference.

    Jules - that sounds AWESOME. I'm thinking of doing something deeper and more colorful in the fall.

    Deb - Thanks. The therapy jar is getting pretty full.

    Annah - I will as soon as I get a chance!

  5. Blagh - just a crappy series of stuff! And I completely empathize about crying over totally stupid stuff, I often do that even while thinking "I can't believe I'm crying over this, there are actual terrible things happening in the world!"

    Yay about your hair - everything's happier when your hair is happier.

  6. I plan on just sending my kid to college to be a therapist then he can figure out all his/my shit for "free." I agree, don't be so hard on yourself we all have truly horrible days. I yelled at the spouse the other day because I was convinced he was looking at me funny (I don't think I'm schizophrenic but we'll have to see when the son goes to college) and also a character on a show I like died and I cried my eyes out for an hour while my son kept asking "what's wrong mommy?" "No cry mommy." Oh yea, I'm a role model.
    Also, $17 is totally acceptable to cry over! That's a nice dinner or a super cheap hooker.

  7. Megan, thanks! I agree - happy hair = happy me.

    Tonya - Now that is GENIUS. Two birds, one stone. I was going to push for my daughter to study Alzheimer's, but fuck that! At that point, it won't even matter to me!
    But the shrink thing? GIFT THAT KEEPS ON GIVING. [You are definitely a role model - did you not see the movie?] PS. Where are you finding $17 hookers? Father's day is right around the corner . . .


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