I am sitting here trying to figure out where it all went wrong and what I should do about it. But thinking about where it all went wrong just spirals into memories of every bad choice I have ever made about everything, which doesn't help because A) I cannot psychically or emotionally handle any more bad thoughts about the misery that is my life; and B) I'm trying to focus solely on my shitty work life here.
So I wonder what the fuck is the problem with the world, and why it is shitting on me and what I'm supposed to think about it.
How about fuck you?
How about I am so sick and tired of being poor - not just I can't have that purse I want right now, but creditors calling my house and which bill don't we pay this month poor - that I cannot stand to be around people? I really can't. My misery and bitterness are eating me alive.
Fuck people who say that money can't buy happiness. I'm here to tell you that it can. Or a near enough approximation.
Because poverty? Poverty and debt that you took out because in the long term a (MASSIVE) student loan payment would be a way to get ahead for you and your family? POVERTY WILL KILL YOUR VERY SOUL.
I have made so many, many mistakes in my life. They are legion. But without fail, without a doubt, my inability to earn a living has been the biggest. It's not for lack of trying. It's not for lack of ability. I don't know what I'm lacking but it's lacking so fucking much that I'm pretty sure we're going to lose our house and cars.
I have never had a job that paid me a decent wage. I have 3 degrees - B.A., M.A., J.D. I cannot find a job in any field. It's like I'm repellent. I don't know why. But I am. And I cannot handle a single second more.
I have honestly hit the point where I would gladly sell my eggs, except my eggs don't fucking work anymore. Great. Thanks, fucked up body. Thanks, PCOS. Thanks, fucking universe that has decided to shit all over me and make getting out of bed every day a major hurdle.
I have to go to a bridal shower today. I spent the past week fretting and hemming and hawing over what to get this person - this person who is my friend, this person who asked me to be in her wedding, this person who I actually like very much. Because my budget is $30, and that $30 is coming out of our food/household supplies budget, which is currently at $45 for the week. With $0 in our checking account. And no more credit cards to rely on. No more nothing. Just all bullshit.
Anyway, I have to go to a bridal shower and I finally got the gift (a picture frame) but I still don't want to go. Because the shower is 45 minutes away and I have to pay for gas.
When you are poor? EVERY SINGLE THING you do is broken down into money.
We've been in bad circumstances before. My husband got laid off and couldn't find a job for almost a year. I had no job and couldn't find a job for over a year - and when I did? I, with my B.A. and M.A. and winning personality? At 35 years old, I ended up with 2 part-time jobs - one of which paid me $7/hour, the other of which consisted of my typing up reports and correspondence all day, neither of which even remotely something I wanted to do. But I did them. I did them and I liked the feeling that we were paying down our debt and we finally were able to pay bills when they came due and then I realized, hey, if I get a JD, I could be a lawyer, and they make money, and why don't I try that? I've always wanted to be a lawyer.
So I did. And the market crashed and this fucking city and state are the shithole unemployment stars of the universe. And I sit here, wondering how I'm going to smile and pretend I don't hate every.single.person who is gainfully employed. I don't know if I can. I really don't. But I don't want to be that hateful, sad, bitter person, either. It hurts too much to be her.