I am sitting here trying to figure out where it all went wrong and what I should do about it. But thinking about where it all went wrong just spirals into memories of every bad choice I have ever made about everything, which doesn't help because A) I cannot psychically or emotionally handle any more bad thoughts about the misery that is my life; and B) I'm trying to focus solely on my shitty work life here.
So I wonder what the fuck is the problem with the world, and why it is shitting on me and what I'm supposed to think about it.
How about fuck you?
How about I am so sick and tired of being poor - not just I can't have that purse I want right now, but creditors calling my house and which bill don't we pay this month poor - that I cannot stand to be around people? I really can't. My misery and bitterness are eating me alive.
Fuck people who say that money can't buy happiness. I'm here to tell you that it can. Or a near enough approximation.
Because poverty? Poverty and debt that you took out because in the long term a (MASSIVE) student loan payment would be a way to get ahead for you and your family? POVERTY WILL KILL YOUR VERY SOUL.
I have made so many, many mistakes in my life. They are legion. But without fail, without a doubt, my inability to earn a living has been the biggest. It's not for lack of trying. It's not for lack of ability. I don't know what I'm lacking but it's lacking so fucking much that I'm pretty sure we're going to lose our house and cars.
I have never had a job that paid me a decent wage. I have 3 degrees - B.A., M.A., J.D. I cannot find a job in any field. It's like I'm repellent. I don't know why. But I am. And I cannot handle a single second more.
I have honestly hit the point where I would gladly sell my eggs, except my eggs don't fucking work anymore. Great. Thanks, fucked up body. Thanks, PCOS. Thanks, fucking universe that has decided to shit all over me and make getting out of bed every day a major hurdle.
I have to go to a bridal shower today. I spent the past week fretting and hemming and hawing over what to get this person - this person who is my friend, this person who asked me to be in her wedding, this person who I actually like very much. Because my budget is $30, and that $30 is coming out of our food/household supplies budget, which is currently at $45 for the week. With $0 in our checking account. And no more credit cards to rely on. No more nothing. Just all bullshit.
Anyway, I have to go to a bridal shower and I finally got the gift (a picture frame) but I still don't want to go. Because the shower is 45 minutes away and I have to pay for gas.
When you are poor? EVERY SINGLE THING you do is broken down into money.
We've been in bad circumstances before. My husband got laid off and couldn't find a job for almost a year. I had no job and couldn't find a job for over a year - and when I did? I, with my B.A. and M.A. and winning personality? At 35 years old, I ended up with 2 part-time jobs - one of which paid me $7/hour, the other of which consisted of my typing up reports and correspondence all day, neither of which even remotely something I wanted to do. But I did them. I did them and I liked the feeling that we were paying down our debt and we finally were able to pay bills when they came due and then I realized, hey, if I get a JD, I could be a lawyer, and they make money, and why don't I try that? I've always wanted to be a lawyer.
So I did. And the market crashed and this fucking city and state are the shithole unemployment stars of the universe. And I sit here, wondering how I'm going to smile and pretend I don't hate every.single.person who is gainfully employed. I don't know if I can. I really don't. But I don't want to be that hateful, sad, bitter person, either. It hurts too much to be her.
Fucking world.
My dad used to say "money may not be everything, but it sure as hell is ahead of whatever is second".
ReplyDeleteSending positive thoughts your way for some big wonderful things!
I'm really, really sorry to hear about your financial circumstances. It sucks to be poor. Truly.
ReplyDeleteI'm so angry that I have student debt hanging over me, and a job that I could have got without ever going to University, to get the debt in the first place. I feel like I've been tricked somehow. I'm sure you feel that way too. And for every person who is suffering in this damnable economy, I'm angry at the fatcats of the banking system that caused it, that paid themselves those whopping bonuses, that didn't meet a single consequence for their actions. And I'm angry at who bailed them out. And who did bail them out? Who was that, again? THE TAX PAYERS?!
I'd seek some help with your debt. I think, or at least I would hope, that there is help out there for people like us, who are working hard and are getting nowhere.
I hope you're okay. Email me if you ever need a long rant.
Oy. I'm sorry the world is being a jerk.
ReplyDeleteDarcie, Thanks so much. I really appreciate it. I like your dad's motto.
ReplyDeleteJo - Thanks. It's good to know you are not alone.
KathyR- Thanks, you are awesome.
Oh, Suniverse. If I could sell my eggs and give you the money, I would. But the thought of mini-alonewithcatses milling around sort of terrifies me. Also, I don't think anyone would want the eggs of a woman who masquerades on the internet as alonewithcats. But if none of what I just said were true, I'd be writing you a big check right now. I'm sorry I can't be of more help.
ReplyDeleteAlone, you are a the sweetest. Really. You warm my bitter, bitter heart.
ReplyDeleteMy husband is a farmer and about 10 years ago, our farm was doing awful. He worked for six months and was paying the bills on this giant farm and sold two flocks of turkeys and was sent a bill for medication costs instead of a check. The check that was to keep our utilities on.
ReplyDeleteI had a baby less than a year old. We were down to one swimmy diaper,(in the winter) the power was off and my tires were bald. I had to call and borrow money from my dad. I hated doing that. I thought things would never get better.
I was embarassed and upset and just felt terrible.
I'm not the world's most religious person, but I was doing this diet with my best friends mom's church. And you had to memorize a bible verse to get weighed in. Kind of corny, but I did it.The verse was this one, Jeremiah 29:11 (New International Version)
11 For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
Things got better from there. Still a struggle, but it was something.
I hope things get better for you soon. The only thing worse than money problems are health problems! Hoping the green stuff and gainful employment are yours soon!
Lulalola, Thank you so much for sharing that story. I'm sorry things were so bad for you, but glad to hear that they got better. I am not a religious person at all, but do like the idea of taking a step back and seeing what's in store for me. I know it has to be better. I really hope it is.
ReplyDelete