I was raised to excel. To be the best. Things were never good enough - they always had to be perfect.
I'm not blaming my parents; well, maybe. But most importantly: It's also how I am. I WANT to be the best. I NEED to be superlative in all that I do. Even stuff I don't WANT to do.
For example: I am not a fan of housework. I love a clean house, and thanks to years of training, I have almost a sickness about finding dirt and noticing where things are NOT CLEAN. Like, I'll wake up thinking that I should wash the walls and the ceiling [again] because it's been about a year. And while I'm doing that, I should take apart the curtain rods and clean those [and obviously the curtains] and wash my pillows, pillow covers [not pillow cases, the these are like slips for pillows] and the mattress pad and also turn and vacuum the mattress and wouldn't it BE AWESOME to get that shark steamer to steam clean my mattress and box spring? And be sure to once again clean each and every. single. slat on my head- and foot-board, which looks like this:
Except my bed is somehow more slatt-y and has WAY cooler linens.
And also clean the linens.
And so on through the rest of the bedroom. And house.
And I don't even LIKE TO CLEAN. I mean, I love a clean house, but it's quite obvious that I'm not obsessing about it by actually doing it. Instead, I obsess about wanting my house to be perfect, but not doing much about it.
Which puts me in an awkward position, psychically & emotionally, because I feel like I should have a SPARKLING CLEAN HOUSE. My house should be the best, in the clean sweepstakes, and I should be the BEST housekeeper, even though that's not something I want to excel at.
I want, desperately and poignantly, to be o.k. with being a mediocre housekeeper. I want mediocre to be o.k. I want to accept being mediocre and not have it be a judgment on my soul. I want to look at my mediocre housekeeping skills and say, "You know what? Good enough is fine." Mediocre shouldn't be a bad thing when you don't actually want to be the best.
I want not to WANT to win.
I want to be mediocre and I want to be o.k. with that.
I hope I get there soon, because the curtains in my office are looking like they need to be cleaned again. It's been a year.