Tuesday, August 24, 2010

Warning: Much bitterness and angst ahead. You may want to move along.

I've not been sleeping well. This makes things really funny and also kind of sad.

I think part of the reason is the stupid bronchitis [6 weeks and going strong!], but also the stupid stress.

I'm not a person who is cavalier about things like joblessness or being broke.  I'm not one of those people who will focus on the positive - because extended joblessness and extended being broke are not positive in any sense.  When you are trying to focus on how to pay your bills, your mind just slips past all the horror of debt and bills being due and the fact that your kid may need some sort of uninsured dental guard.  Because focusing on that, too?  Is too much to bear.

So my mind will slide past that giant mountain while I'm awake, but it's what I think about before I go to bed and what I think about when I get up and then it just sort of pops in during the day when I'm not on my game.  And when I wake up at night, for the 3rd or 4th time, it pops in then, too.  Just for funsies.

I don't even know what I'm saying, except that it sucks and I don't see an end and I realize that I'm getting really obsessive about the need to get a job and make money and how everything, every situation comes down to money and I don't like that about myself, but there it is.  There it fucking is.

So, today I have a headache and errands and some volunteer work ahead of me [because people LOVE me to do shit for them for free, it's like they can't get enough] and I'm still bitter and angry and obsessive.  Want to hang out?


  1. We could totally hang out! I'm online right now searching for a job except that I'm not qualified to do anything even though I've got 3 degrees (they're all in art) so I'm trying to write a book and become the next dan brown but really who am I kidding. So, like you, I'm in front of my laptop freaking out about bills, low self esteem and no paying gig. Ugh. I hear ya sister! I'm also sorry you're still suffering from bronchitis, it's the absolute worst!!!

  2. hi bitter, angry, and obsessive. I'm cranky and insomniac. nice to meet you!

    honey, I know! I am a worrier. and an insomniac by nature because I can't turn my brain off. and then I get headaches. I KNOW!

    what sometimes helps me: Valerian root. I take it like 45 min before bed and then read. it's not 100% but it works most nights.

  3. Tonya, email me your info [thesueniverse AT gmail DOT com] and we WILL hang out. It'll make a nice break from trolling for jobs online and wondering why, like you, I have 3 degrees and am unqualified for ANYTHING.

    Andy, my cranky, insomniac friend. It's always good to know that it's not just me. It's frustrating that it happens to anyone, but damn, misery sure loves company. I remember using valerian root years ago for headaches. I'll have to try that again.

  4. Oy. Sounds ghastly.

    I never sleep. But that's because I am old and possibly a zombie. Question: Do zombies know they are zombies? I mean, I could be undead right now and not know it? I'm tired enough.

    Six weeks of bronchitis is like 5.5 weeks too many, no?

  5. KathyR, yes it IS 5.5 too many. But the weather has cooled off a bit and is less humid, and the meds are helping, so hopefully it'll be over soon.

    Also, I don't think zombies know they are zombies. I think they just feel tired and start craving sweetmeats. So while you may be tired enough, I'd pay a bit more attention to your diet. Rare steak & greens? O.k. Offal? Then you are a zombie.


Every time you comment, I get a lady boner.