I've not been sleeping well. This makes things really funny and also kind of sad.
I think part of the reason is the stupid bronchitis [6 weeks and going strong!], but also the stupid stress.
I'm not a person who is cavalier about things like joblessness or being broke. I'm not one of those people who will focus on the positive - because extended joblessness and extended being broke are not positive in any sense. When you are trying to focus on how to pay your bills, your mind just slips past all the horror of debt and bills being due and the fact that your kid may need some sort of uninsured dental guard. Because focusing on that, too? Is too much to bear.
So my mind will slide past that giant mountain while I'm awake, but it's what I think about before I go to bed and what I think about when I get up and then it just sort of pops in during the day when I'm not on my game. And when I wake up at night, for the 3rd or 4th time, it pops in then, too. Just for funsies.
I don't even know what I'm saying, except that it sucks and I don't see an end and I realize that I'm getting really obsessive about the need to get a job and make money and how everything, every situation comes down to money and I don't like that about myself, but there it is. There it fucking is.
So, today I have a headache and errands and some volunteer work ahead of me [because people LOVE me to do shit for them for free, it's like they can't get enough] and I'm still bitter and angry and obsessive. Want to hang out?