Life is full of mistakes. I don't care for that.

My goal - my life goal, I guess, if you want to get all touchy feely - is to be o.k. with myself.  To let myself relax and make mistakes and be o.k. with the mistakes. To not worry that I have done something wrong or could have done something better.  To stop second guessing.

It's hard work.  It's nearly impossible some days - I am a dweller, a rue-er of the highest order.  I can nitpick the smallest mistakes I've made from 20 or even 30 years ago, and the pain of it is still ridiculously fresh. 

Here is a mortifying moment from elementary school - and I am not joking when I tell you that I still cringe when I think about it.  It pains me:

My mom gave me a week's worth of lunch money at once.  I was supposed to keep it and not lose it.  This was fine when I wore something with pockets, but the fashion gods are bastards and most girls' clothing did not come with pockets.  So I kept the money wrapped in a napkin.

Well, at the end of lunch, we were supposed to line up at the door and wait to be dismissed for recess.  On this particular day, I was first in line.  And then I saw something that made my heart stop, that paralyzed me:

The lunch lady was going through the trays and there, on that red tray, was my folded napkin full of money.  Which she tossed in the trash.  I watched it fall in slow motion, I am not kidding you.

I didn't know what to do.  My mind was racing, I felt myself flush.  Should I leave the prime spot of being first in line and dig through the trash to get my money?  Did I want people to see me go through the trash? What should I do?

I did nothing.  I went outside and played and tried to forget about it.

Except.

Except I never told my parents that I lost the money.  Instead, the next day and for some time thereafter I told the lunch lady that I got free lunch. 

So I scammed the school for about a week or so, until they caught on and then I had to go to the principal's office and my MOM was there and I was ready to fucking die.

I still feel sick to my stomach when I think about it.  Seriously.  I'm embarrassed that I'm writing this and while I know it can be seen as funny, all I can think of is that I WAS A THIEF and I GOT IN TROUBLE and I MADE A HUGE MISTAKE.  And I don't know which of those three things is worse in my book.

So, I got a talking to by the principal, and my mom repaid the lunch money.  I can still see the principal's giant tie and white belt [because there was no way I was looking him in the eye] and I still feel like hell when I think about it.

I'm hoping that writing about it will make me feel better about it - sort of expiating my sins.  Let's hope it works.  I can't keep this up.