Watching old videos is so very bitterwseet.
I miss that time. I miss even just being there, really, because I spent so much of that time anxious and unhappy.
And I realize that I'm like that now, too, still. I thought, once I took this barrage of medication for the neverending bronchitis, that I'd be better. Less anxious. Because a major part of my anxiety, a huge trigger, was taking medication of any kind. I thought that having taken so many different kinds, all at once, for a week, I'd be cured.
I'm still anxious. I'm still apt to find myself short of breath and panicky. Wondering if it's the illness or the crazy and what is to be done about this? What?
I hate that anxiety is such an ongoing disease. It's so fucking draining.
I'm glad I'm doing it. Slowly but surely and reminding myself that it's ok to be panicky about my health and if I'm REALLY REALLY concerned, I should maybe talk to a doctor. That it's o.k. to do that. Even if it is just anxiety. Better safe than sorry.
I just wish I could wiggle my nose like Samantha
Or cross my arms and blink like Jeannie
And I'd be cured.
And my house would be fucking SPOTLESS.