I had a pretty nice birthday weekend.
I did end up in urgent care on Friday morning, but I look at that as a positive, since an EKG ruled out any problems and I didn't need yet another breathing treatment, AND my husband brought me lunch and a new decongestant! Presents! Presents all around!
I spent Friday and Saturday sleeping and taking more medication. The weather was wretched - so bad I had to bail on my friend's wedding, because every breath out in the humidity was like breathing soup. I still feel awful about that, but I'm trying to feel o.k. about taking care of myself and not worrying so much about how it affects everyone else.
Sunday was nice, too. I slept and dozed and my friend came over and brought me a homemade chocolate birthday cake. And my family came over in the evening and we had dinner and watched old movies from when the girl was little - over a decade ago. How can that be a period of time that I use to reckon the age of my child? It's too bizarre.
My aunt & cousins got me a funny card, inside of which was a photo of me and the husband from when they first met him, when we were impossibly young. It's weird to look at that picture - we look half-formed. Like amoebas! How did we make any decisions about our lives? Beyond who was picking up what 6 pack and where we were going drinking later and do you have an extra pack of smokes?
I feel, sometimes, envy for myself at that time and for other young people at any time. The world is open, it's amazing and unlimited. There are so many choices to make. I feel, at this ripe old age of 42, like all my choices have been made and there's only waiting left.
I know that's not true. I know that there are things I can choose to do and things I HAVE chosen and WILL choose. But the big things? They're done. Aren't they? Are they? I know that life is not static, but sometimes it feels like it's moving alternately too fast and too slow.
I think I need another nap.