So.
This past week has not been good.
As I have noted before, probably, I have serious anxiety/phobia about taking medication. I've muddled through this for the past 12 years, avoiding medication when I think I can get away with it, fearfully taking it when I cannot, but only under the most dire circumstances.
Well, circumstances got pretty fucking dire for me this week.
I went to bed Sunday night near midnight and woke up 2 hours later, wheezing like an old man who has smoked for 50 years. It was like breathing through molasses, like a wet cloth was in my lungs. I took a hit off my inhaler and was o.k. for almost an hour, and then the horrible feeling came back.
This went on all night - me waiting out the time until I could take another hit of albuterol, crying, wondering what the fuck I was supposed to do. By the time the husband woke up at 6:30 to go to work, I was an exhausted fucking mess. He told me to calm down, call the dr., and see what she said.
I called the dr. a couple of hours later and they told me to come in. I called my sister to drive me, because I was in no shape.
Well, 2 1/2 hours later, I had had a breathing treatment, an xray [nothing bad, thankfully], an admonition to TAKE MY MEDICINE and a prescription for several scary meds as well as a stern warning that if this ever happens again GO TO THE ER. Don't fuck around. And TAKE THE MEDS.
I went home and took them all. All 4 prescriptions with the space of 15 minutes. I made my sister stay with me to make sure I didn't die.
I didn't die. From the meds. I did make a bad situation worse by not taking the meds I was originally prescribed.
I'm feeling better. I'm still anxious about taking the meds. And anxious about how I feel - is this heaviness bad news or anxiety? Am I stressed or jittery as a side effect of the meds? But I'm taking the meds and working my way through the rest of it.
It's still so fucking scary, but I'm kind of proud of myself for taking this step. A step that is not a big deal for most people, I know. Most people can take meds when they need to. For me, though, this was huge. Really, really fucking huge. I hate that I had to get to the point where I was so sick I couldn't breathe before I could get over the phobia.
But I did it.
oh honey! I am so sorry. that is scary!!
ReplyDeleteOh, nightmare... I hope you're okay now.
ReplyDeleteThere's nothing worse than taking an endless amount medication day in day out, and feeling like some sort of prescription junkie. It's enough to put anyone on edge. But if it's working and making you feel better, then that's the main thing. I'm glad you got over the phobia, but remember, breathing is important too.
Although, to be fair - it's pretty difficult to remember how that works mid panic attack.
YAY! I'm so proud of you - getting over phobias is so hard, and so impressive!
ReplyDeleteAndygirl, it was scary. I'm better now.
ReplyDeleteJo, I'm really scared that I sat around for 10 hours with soup in my lungs rather than go to the ER because I couldn't figure out that it was more than just a panicked reaction to what was going on.
Megan, Thanks! I'm enjoying this feeling. And reminding myself I can do this.
You ARE SO BRAVE!!!! I'm terrified of meds (not all but most) because: 1) I'm convinced I'm going to die like Heath Ledger (even if I'm only taking tylenol and valium - it's still mixing meds so who knows, right?) and 2) If there's some crazy ass side effect - like all your hair falls out or you grow a 6th toe - that only effects like .05% of people I will totally be that .05%! Happens every freaking time!
ReplyDeleteSo, good for you!!!!
Tonya, Thanks so much!
ReplyDeleteUgh. Do NOT want to think about Heath Ledger. That'll make me paranoid.
I hate that stupid long ass list of bizarre side effects. I keep waiting for them to pop up!