Tuesday, September 28, 2010

The Dumb [And the Not So Dumb - UPDATED!]

These are dumb things I do.  Not just once or twice, but on a regular basis.

Pray for me.

*  Using my wet hands to turn on the light switch.  Not a big deal? Did I mention that this light switch does not have a switch plate and is not grounded, so it's just basically a switch in a hole in a wall.  Which has been painted.  I'm not sure why there's no switch plate when the wall has already been painted.  It's been at least 6 years.
Like this. Except instead of a screwdriver, there's just water dripping off my hand.
* Burning mix CDs onto my iTunes, but there's no info and I don't necessarily know the names and artists, so I sit there, trying to listen intently and get the words and type them into Google and hope I strike a match, wishing there was some way, SOME WAY that I could Google the music itself.  You know what? THERE IS!  SHAZAM! It's on my fucking phone.  Which is sitting right in front of me.

*Related - downloading a song that I ALREADY HAVE on my iTunes.  I want my fucking 99cents back.  I would pay huge money for the app that keeps my from re-purchasing music on iTunes.

* Calling people by the wrong name because: Their name seems like the kid name and the kid's name seems like the grown up name; I knew someone with a similar name; mishearing the name and spending several years thinking their name was something completely different.

* Forgetting to turn on the timer in the kitchen when I'm cooking. Or the timer on my phone. Or any of the several timers I've downloaded onto my computer because I know I'm so shitty at setting the kitchen timer.  So stuff burns and then we have no dinner, like we're Dickens' characters, waiting for porridge and then the evil workhouse matron let it burn.  [I am somehow both the poverty-stricken orphan and the evil matron in this scenario.  Keep up, people.  Keep up.]
Gorgeous, right? I WANT! I would TOTALLY set this timer. Really.  I would.

* Slicing and peeling vegetables with a pretty wickedly sharp paring knife NOT on the cutting board but instead by holding the vegetable in one hand and then using the knife to cut TOWARD me.  And then I wonder why I end up with tiny little slices on my thumbs.

* Going to the bathroom without shutting the door. When there are people over.


Now here's the NOT Dumb thing I do:  Write something hilarious for Secret Society of List Addicts.  It will make you laugh, cry, sing.  Seriously.  It will change your life.  Check it out.


  1. I am guilty of every one of those things. And I also have:
    Left a burner on under an empty pot
    Started the espresso maker without putting water in
    Let the cat hang out on the screened porch then lock up and go to bed without letting her back in
    And so many other brain farts I can't (would rather not) remember.

    And I make Hubby dear eat the burned food. We waste nothing.

  2. My mother used to slice things holding the paring knife in her fingers and slicing toward her thumb. Drove my dad nuts.

  3. Renee - OH! I forgot about leaving the burner on. I've left it on, gone to work, come home and not realized it was on until I started making dinner. Scary.

  4. KathyR - It's like I can't cut any other way anymore. I'm glad I'm not the only one.

  5. I have to remind myself that unlike my one year old, not everyone wants to come to the bathroom with me. On an hourly basis I have to remind myself of this.

  6. KLZ - I think part of the problem is growing up having shared a bathroom with my sister and then in college living with some very freewheeling roommates. It's just habit. Plus, it's more fun to talk to people when you're peeing than just sitting there, peeing. Right?

  7. i have a warning on my itunes when i'm about to buy something i already own. sadly, though, it only works for something i originally bought off itunes; if i bought it from amazon or already had it, i'll duplicate regularly. sigh.

  8. I lived alone for so long that I've really had to get used to shutting the bathroom door so I don't terrify my male roommate. I just don't think he wants to see that.

    isn't iTunes supposed to tell you when you've already downloaded a song?

  9. Magnolia - YES! It's that extra purchase after I've already bought it on Amazon or whatever. It's in the library. I know the people at Apple are smart. They are just trying to steal from us. That's all.

    Andygirl - I swear, it's a hard habit to learn. Also, I find I sometimes start unzipping my pants before I'm actually technically IN the bathroom. Poor people.

  10. Girl-- go and buy a switch cover. They even sell them at walmart and target!!!! Oh and I dont even have an ipod and I have never downloaded any music. For real. I am lame.

  11. Lexlocilori - I'm ashamed to admit that I actually HAVE the switch cover. Seriously. It's embarrassing. PS - Not lame, just old school.

  12. i spend countless hours having angry conversations with people who are not present.

    (great enemy list - btw)

  13. Oh, without a doubt, iTunes steals money!! And they won't give it back. I don't care if it's 99 cents or 99 dollars, I want it back!!

  14. Simone - Oh, yes. But I think having those angry conversations is important. Lets you vent. (Thanks for liking the list!)

    Natalie - I KNOW! It's not like I'm not spending there anyway. Don't be so greedy, Steve Jobs.

  15. This post really made me laugh so hard I hurt. And also, I too hate cooking. You're awesomeness quadrupled!

  16. Tonya - THANKS! I'm glad I made you laugh. It's what I live for.

  17. Ever been to Cutler's in Petoskey? Kitchen gadget HEAVEN, I tell you!

  18. Unmitigated Me - No, I haven't, but it's now on my list!


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