Yesterday, things were going really well. I finally felt not-sick for the first time in months [Seriously. Since July.] and I wasn't stressed because I'd spent the previous few days really working toward life and career goals. I cleaned my house - I even did the windows! They are so shiny! I made a nice, homemade chicken pot pie for dinner. The girl had her friends over and they were studying and giggling.
It was going well.
And then, we got really crushing financial news. Just so fucked up it's beyond telling.
And, I somehow knew it. Back in the deep, dark recesses of my soul, I knew that it would happen. Not this specific thing, but that something horrible was in the offing.
I have this theory that when I remark about something negative in someone's life, it's going to happen to me. It's a theory I came up with years ago when I felt like my life was falling apart [and it
Me: I can't believe that person's skin turned blue! What the fuck? That's crazy! How could that happen?
Cut to - a year or four or ten years later, and I have blue skin, and no idea how it's there and there's nothing to do to fix it.
That kind of thing.
It's enough, really, to make me believe in god, except I don't think god takes kindly to people who just show up when the shit has completely hit the fan and there's nothing else around. I know A LOT of people find god in prison, but I'm thinking that maybe at that point, god isn't paying that much attention. Like, god's sitting there and saying, "Huh. So you killed a bunch of people and NOW you're sorry and want help? Back of the line, buddy." And god may or may not get to you, but the odds are not good.
I'm not sure why I think god is like the DMV on a Saturday, but there it is.
So I'm trying to see this as a crisitunity, or at least a teaching moment - that stressing is not going to help either the situation or my well-being. I'm going to buckle down and do my best to fix this one thing, because that's really all I can do.
But it doesn't stop me from wondering why bad shit keeps happening. Why things are so fucking awful. Why nothing I do to help actually helps and instead makes things worse. And when it's going to change.