We spent the weekend out of town with my in-laws. It was fine, for the most part. I had a horrific headache on the way out to see them [the husband said he noticed that I have a horrific headache anytime we go to see them, but I think it's just coincidence and nothing should be read into this], and I hate being in the car for a long time and I really hate having to use rest stop bathrooms [which I always have to do, because I have to pee ALL THE TIME], but we got there without incident and it was going pretty well. Also, I've developed a nice banter and have appointed myself official photographer, so I can easily escape by saying, "Oh, I'm sorry, I want to make sure I get a photo of So and So before they leave. I'll be back in a few minutes." Nice, right?
The husband, the girl and I were sitting at a table when one of our nieces joined us. She's 8, and has stayed with us for visits before. I like when she and her sister come, because ***SMUG PARENTING ALERT*** I feel like I can give them opportunities and experiences they don't necessarily get with their own parents [Stuff like going to the library instead of going to see the latest Twilight movie. Yeah. At age 7. What the fuck?].
So we were chatting with Niece and she proceeded to tell us about what was going on in her life and she said she had a boyfriend, and also a boy who liked her. And then she said that either boy was o.k., but she was not allowed to go out with a black boy. Or a brown boy.
And then my heart dropped and my head exploded and I couldn't think of a coherent thing to say beyond, "I don't think that's the right way to think about things," to which she replied, "My mom said I cannot date a black or brown boy," and I said, "That's not right," and then shut up because I was going to start saying some really, really nasty shit about this kid's parents.
It makes me sick that she's been told this at all - and why now? She's 8, for fuck's sake. In addition to the horrifying racism, what kind of person discusses dating options with an 8 year old? I cannot get beyond how a person can tell another human being not to be with someone because of the color of their skin. I know it goes on, but I had hoped that it was dying out, that my parents' generation would be the last that espoused this type of garbage.
Which made me want to punch the parents. and, sadly, the girl, even though I know she's just parroting what she's been told.
You know what? Not a smug parent, a better parent, hands down. And I sit here, trying to figure out how to change this child's mind. What can I do when I see her so seldom? How do I counteract this type of hate?
I really don't know.
Oh my, how ridiculous. All you can do is teach by example. Treat all people with respect and acceptance when she is with you. You can't simply tell her that her parents are wrong minded bigots. That won't work.
ReplyDeleteMy husband is part of the old school, almost 70. But, when his daughter tried to get him to tell his high school granddaughter she couldn't like a boy at school because he was black? Hubby dear refused. He told her it's a new world. Granddaughter was quite capable of making choices based on quality of character. Not skin color.
I was proud of him.
I'm against guns...but, this makes a good case for them. I totally hear you. Sing it sister!
ReplyDeleteEvery time we visit my in-laws in Dallas I come home with my tongue bleeding because I've had to almost bite it off to keep from yelling at someone or punching them in the throat. I do however say outrageous things around the Thanksgiving dinner table with them, just to watch them squirm in uncomfortable silence as they try to think of something polite to say. I'm a sadist that way.
Recently at a dinner I said: "I think I'm going to get Pierce [son, 2 1/2] a pair of sequin pants. He likes glitter and I think it's important for him to fully explore his sexuality and his ideas about identity. I don't want to stifle the transvestite that might be trying to get out of there." Crickets...(for the record I was actually being serious)
that makes my heart hurt.
ReplyDeleteAll you can do is leas by words & examples. The good news is at 8 she still has plenty of time to grow out of the hate. And fall in love.
ReplyDeleteThat is so so so upsetting - especially finding that out about your own family members!
ReplyDeleteRenee - I LOVE your husband. That's fantastic.
ReplyDeleteTonya - Good for you. I'll do my bit, too.
Andygirl - Oh, I know. It's horrifying.
Alex - I hope that example is enough. And I hope she'll grow and learn.
Megan - I know. I'm still shaking my head, stunned.
Renee - I LOVE your husband. That's fantastic.
ReplyDeleteTonya - Good for you. I'll do my bit, too.
Andygirl - Oh, I know. It's horrifying.
Alex - I hope that example is enough. And I hope she'll grow and learn.
Megan - I know. I'm still shaking my head, stunned.
That is sad. Really sad, and frustrating. I have this with some people I know and they just seem to blithely come out with a racist remark and look at me as if much to say "Don't you agree?". It's so frustrating. How can people still be so blind?!
ReplyDeleteAnd even worse, it's still being passed on to the next generation. Which means another bunch of blind racists. And this is what's so damaging. Catch kids this young, and they'll end with opinions that are hard wired into them, and they have no idea why they have them.
Give her time though. Once your niece goes to Uni and starts smoking pot and being introduced to crazy, influential people who are also rebelling against their parents, she'll probably get over it.
PS. Please don't kick me in the teeth, but I suspect I'll probably be the kind of parent who takes my kid to the library instead of seeing "Twilight" at the cinema. Okay, maybe not the library. Maybe video game store. Just not "Twilight". Not ever.
i'm glad she has you. one day when she hates her parents for being such narrow-minded suckers, she'll need an open-minded soul to talk to.
ReplyDeleteYou should invite your niece over for movie night at your house, and pick movies starring the hottest non-white men on the planet, and then you can gab about how awesome and talented and beautiful they are and how you'd love for your kids to end up with such awesome partners. And also that her mom is a douche canoe. Maybe leave that last part out. Or just say it in your head.
ReplyDelete