Monday, October 25, 2010

Marriage: Seriously. WTF?

I came to the conclusion the other day that being married is like fighting molasses.  It envelopes you, and you start pushing and punching, but you end up stuck more firmly and wrapped up in more and more of it.  It never lets you go. But it can be kind of sweet.

I never had a good handle on marriage, on what it could be.  On what it should be.  I knew what I didn't want - I'd seen enough bad marriages to make me an expert on that.

But what did I want?  I mean, isn't the opposite of not wanting a bad marriage wanting no marriage at all?

It turns out, it's not.  Wanting the opposite of a bad marriage could actually mean wanting a GOOD marriage.  I know, right?  Earth shattering.

But what's a good marriage?

I know that is an individual decision, an individual desire.  It may help to clarify or discuss what that thing is, but sometimes those determinations are too abstract.  Or too specific.

I mean, I could say that my good marriage would be to Jon Stewart [or Eminem], but where would that get me?  Frustrated?

Or I could say that my good marriage is based on respect and love and admiration, but that sounds too much like what a generic greeting card would say.

Or I could say that my good marriage would be to someone who wants what is best for me, but that sounds like what your nutritionist would say.

So I don't know.  I think it's all of those things and maybe none of those things [i.e., bye-bye Jon and Eminem].  But I also think part of it [for me] is wanting to be married.  Wanting to be with someone. Sure, there are days, weeks, months, years, when that is not the case.  But there has to be a desire to be with that person, to see something through.

Also, Jon Stewart won't return my calls.


  1. Good marriage. Sometimes seems like an oxymoron.
    But in the end it's 2 people going thru a struggle and still finding comfort in arch other.

  2. I've been through three marriages. Despite that, I still believe that the good marriage is possible. But I'm not convinced it's worth the effort.

  3. oh, marriage is a loaded word for me these days. turns out it's one of those things that i thought was a great idea at the time, but really, really just wasn't for me. my new relationship is already so much better than my marriage ever was. i think it's less about the construct and more about the person.

  4. Love love love that metaphor about marriage and molasses -- it's terrific and sure does hold up.

    As for marriage, I love it. I love that I am not alone in a more general sense (because God knows I'm alone a lot), that someone's got my back always, even when the children threaten to revolt.

    But my friends are reaching a time in their lives where their marriages are not great/stale/tired and they're wondering what do to about it/what happens next, and my parents marriage is I can see how a bad marriage can be life-sucking.

  5. Hey now, step off my boyfriend [Eminem}! You can't have him, he's mine...and a few hookers'...but mostly mine.
    They tell you after you have a child you will love your husband more than you did before. This is a lie. You will hate him more than you did before and you will love tv more than before. that the kid is getting older I'm starting to enjoy my spouse again, which is probably why we are talking about having another kid.

  6. a good marriage? hmm. i don't know. i've tried twice now. failed. i'm married to myself now. sometimes even more frustrating.


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