The Medical Report

It's been at least a couple of weeks since I've had a medical induced freak out. 

Ready for this one?

Last week, I had my yearly exam with the girly bits doctor.  [I will keep this as PG as possible, girly parts-wise.  Language is X-Rated, as always.]  Anyway, pre-exam, the doctor and I are chatting and she asks if there have been any changes, yadda yadda.  And so I explain a concern I've been having, and she said, hmmm . . . we probably should do an endometrial biopsy.

And I start to freak a little bit, but calmly ask what that is.  She explains that she'll snip a little piece of my uterine lining - kind of like my insulation or wallpaper that's changed monthly - and send that off to the lab.  There's some discomfort, some cramping, a bit of spotting, but you can take 2 Motrin & you'll be all better.

"Do I schedule this?" I ask.

"You can," she replies, "or we can do this right now.  It's very, very quick.  And I know how hard it is to schedule appointments, what with work."

So.

So. 

So. I sit there, at 8:30am, and the following is going through my head:

* PANIC PANIC PANIC BIOPSY CANCER PANIC

*I'm here, I need to be stronger, I can do this.

* Remember you flu & DTaP shots?  You panicked for no reason.  You were fine.  And this time, you're not even getting any medication - it's like giving blood.  Menstrual blood.

*PANIC PANIC PANIC CUTTING PANIC PAIN PANIC

* This isn't a big deal.  It's not like I even need to go to another room.  She'll already be pretty far up in my business.  What's a few centimeters more?

* I can't afford to take more time off of work.  I'm only work a 1/2 day today because I had to vote and do PTA stuff and right after this, I have my & the girl's dentist appointments. You can knock all of this out in one morning.  Boom! DONE!  YOU WIN!

* Just do it.  Honestly.  It's not a big deal.  Think of how good you'll feel once you've done it.

"O.k., let's just do it."

"O.k., let me get the biopsy set and I'll be right back."

So we do the regularly girly-doctor stuff and then we progress onto the endometrial biopsy.

Which was un-fun on so many, many levels.  Really not fun.  Cramping is a mild term for the gouging and poking that was going on.  It was . . . well, it was exactly how shitty you'd imagine something like this being.

Afterward, the doctor patted me on the arm and said to lay down and relax for a few minutes.  So I did.  And then I thought, I need to get going, I have to be at the dentist in 30 minutes.  I got up, got dressed and then . . .

And then I almost puked and passed out.  Because guess what?  Shaking and nausea?  Common reactions to this type of biopsy - according to the nurse who came and sat with me for almost an hour as I lay down on the stupid paper covered table and shook and tried not to puke and cried.  And called my sister to take the girl to the dentist and called the dentist to reschedule my appointment and explain that I wouldn't be there and then lay down some more.

Finally, I thought I felt a bit better, and the nurse said, "Well, are you sure?  We don't want you to get up too fast.  This happens at least once a week [thanks for the heads up, doc!].  In fact, last week, we had a woman who got up too soon and she fell and hit her head on the desk," she said, pointing to the lethally sharp looking edge.

Great.  "I'll sit for a few," I said.  And sank my ass down into the chair.

A while later, I thought I felt better, and decided I should go to the bathroom as a precursor to heading into the outside world. 

"Are  you sure?  Because we don't want you falling in there.  Although there is a cord, I can show you where it is and how to pull it in case you feel the slightest bit dizzy."

And then I'll be passed out bare-assed on a public bathroom floor.  I honestly don't know if I was more horrified by the idea of passing out bottomless, wet with urine, or passing out on a public floor.

"I'll sit here for a few more minutes."

Finally, I felt better still, and the nurse and the nice nurse's aide [who brought me a slice of American cheese and couple of water crackers to help settle my stomach] said my color was better, so I decided to brave the bathroom.  Where the nurse showed me the cord and told me not to lock the door in case she needed to come in, and she'd be waiting right by the door, so don't worry.

Fastest pee ever.

Finally, I felt well enough to leave, and I stopped in the pharmacy on the first floor, bought myself an apple juice, a blueberry Nutrigrain bar, and called my friend to come pick me up and take me home.

Where I spent the next several hours quietly watching Gavin and Stacy, waiting for my uterus to heal.