Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Wouldn't Life Be So Much Easier? YES!

If I seem standoffish or uninterested it's not that I'm stuck up or a bitch.  I mean, I probably am, but not right at this moment.  Instead, if I seem like I don't care about you or what you're saying, it's because:

1.  My ears hurt [I have horrible, nearly ongoing ear infections].
2.  I'm starving.
3.  I have to poop.

I would love to INSERT ACTIVITY HERE or I would love to discuss INSERT TOPIC HERE, but it's just not possible at this time because I have to:

1.  Put drops in my ears and lay down.
2.  Eat something.
3.  Go poop.

My God, how much easier would my life be if I could just SAY those things to you, instead of half-listening to whatever you're spouting because all I can think is:

1.  My ears feel like bamboo skewers are being plunged into them.
2.  I think my stomach is eating itself.  Is that bile I'm tasting?
3.  I'm going to poop my pants.

I think honesty in discourse is a good thing.  I do not, however, think that the world is ready to hear what I'm going to say.

But how awesome would it be if that were true?

What are you thinking?


  1. I feel like if you're feeling all three of those emotions at the same time, it's ok if you're not listening to me. I'll give you a pass. A hall pass that is. So you can go to the bathroom.

  2. Holy hell! Your ear is still bugging you? That bastard had better start acting right before you go Van Gogh on its ass. Also, maybe the poop and hunger thing are related?

  3. I had some crazy itchy ouchy bastard ear thing for MONTHS until I saw a new and improved doctor (who wasn't a motherfucker) and gave me the magic drops that fixed everything in three days. Then bluebirds landed on my shouders and sang me songs of rainbows and soft easy poop and eight hour sleeps and all was right in the world.

    One of the best days of my life.

    Ear drama SUCKS. Get better. Do a poop. East something delicious.

    Sarah xxx

  4. Wow.

    Usually I am not speechless.

    I hope you get better...

  5. sorry your ears hurt! i do like your rant style though. if you weren't in pain this would be freakin awesome.

  6. So funny. So true. Loved this. xx


  7. Have you had your tonsils out? I used to have wicked constant earaches before I had my tonsils out. Isn't it great when people who don't know thing one about you diagnose you improperly over the internet? I'd totally rather you say any of those things than just not listen to me because I'm needy and oversensitive and I'd assume you weren't listening because you were thinking about how ugly my hair was.

  8. My ears are fine and I eat at regular intervals and poop every morning. I just really hate people.

  9. Maybe there's a bug in your ear.

  10. Interesting enough.. I have to poop now after reading this. Thanks.

  11. At some times, you just need to speak the truth...or you might find yourself with a nasty mess to clean up.

  12. What I'm thinking...
    combine 2 & 3 i.e. cut out the middle man and chuck your food straight down the loo….that just leaves 1 to deal with….sorry try as I might I could not combine all three without it all getting seriously disgusting and messy and as a first time visitor felt I should at least wipe my feet before I get banned….
    P.S. I can highly recommend not shitting yourself…. The shitty drive

  13. I LOVE being honest.

    It makes people make fun of me. After a tweet of mine, one blogger said, "I've never heard so much discussion on bowel status in my life."

    Well, hey, I just said: a prune a day does it for me.

    Do you do the prune?

  14. You get earaches, too? I totally feel your pain. Literally. I can't tell if it's my tonsils acting up (because sometimes I have throat pain as well) or my teeth aching (because sometimes my lower teeth on one side are more sensitive than usual). Either way, ouch. I can relate.

  15. The older I get, the less interested I am in other people's talk. I tune out.

    Which probably means that all of my aging friends and relations aren't listening to me, either.

    Oh, well.

  16. pooping in your pants sucks. trust me.


Every time you comment, I get a lady boner.