Thursday, April 14, 2011

A Stick Makes Stone Soup

Oh, Gwyneth.


I promised myself I would ignore you.

I told myself not to be sucked in.

I reminded myself that you aren't worth the effort.

And yet here I am, sucked in again.  Drawn into the morass that is your "cookbook".

"Hahaha! What am I doing with this spoon? What's this goop on it? It's not GOOP. I want no part of it."

Just fucking stop.

Seriously, Gwyneth.  Just. Stop.

You're trying too hard.

Now, if you wanted to write a book about pretentious, over-privileged hack "actors", I could see why you'd be the perfect choice. 

Hmm . . . this smells like my elbow cream.  What am I supposed to be pretending again? Oh, that's right. I'm a cook.
But this?  A book about food? From you?  Have you seen you?  You are not someone who looks like they enjoy food.  You look like someone who has heard of food, but wants no part of it.

Water is delicious AND satisfying.  Full of watery goodness!
And I would have thought that you'd not be such a douche about name dropping.  But you are.  You're the Summer's Eve of name dropping.  Well done.

People are trying to maneuver you as the Next Martha Stewart.  It's not going to happen.  You know why?  Because as autocratic and snobby as Martha is, she OWNS it.  She's not trying to be "relatable", she's not pretending that her lifestyle is the same as every other busy working mom's. 

Also? She'll cut a bitch.
She is GODDAMN MOTHERFUCKING MARTHA STEWART, bitches.  She is not to be trifled with.
Oh no, no, no.  I don't think so. 
You?  You're . . . sad.  You're the cheerleader who decided she was "artsy" and started trying to hang out with the kids who don't give a fuck and all that happens is you end up wrong-footing it every. step. of. the. way.  You don't bring Veuve Clicquot to a beer bash, sweetie.  But if you do, don't pretend that it's the same as Natural Light.

Not budget beer. Not by a long shot.
You're trying to be "real" and you're just making everyone uncomfortable.  We don't want to hate you, Gwyneth. I mean, I DO hate you, and sometimes I kind of enjoy it, but it's just too much effort.  We don't really want to think about you.  Stop inserting yourself so desperately where you don't belong.

Now, go back to your country music "career" and eat your macrobiotic diet and enjoy hunting humans on your estate.  We wish you - well, not the best.  We just wish you somewhere else.




  1. Oh man, I wanted to choke her out when I saw her on Glee the first time (watched glee due to wife's obsession, not mine). Then the second time! then on the Grammy's! I thought I was having delusions of gwyn-dor. But no, I wasn't. Turns out she's just annoyingly EVERYwhere. It's like she's chasing an EGOT or something.

  2. She's like Human Papiloma Virus: SO common and potentially carcinogenic. True story - Gwyneth causes cancer. You heard it here first people.

    Also I had no frickin idea what Summer's Eve was so I googled it and HAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!! I thought vaginal douche was a 1950s urban myth!

    Suniverse, I'm pretty sure I want to cyber-blog-date you in the back of your Dad's car.

    Sarah xxx

  3. I just threw up a little looking at those fake photos.
    How did you get inside my brain? I too, am a hater.

  4. This is EXACTLY how I feel. She's a hack.

  5. I had no idea. I wish I still didn't. I don't mind her. But whatever happened to actors just staying well actors? Leave the real life to us celebrities, we live lives shitty enough to know how to not be pretentious about, well, everything.

  6. My favorite line is "We wish you - well, not the best. We just wish you somewhere else." I puked a little in my mouth when I saw this at Barnes and Noble.

  7. I am so glad you hate her boring ass.

    I canNOT stand her.

    She is an idiot, not attractive, boring to look at, and thinks she is the first one to ever conceive.


  8. I have NEVER liked Gweneth Paltrow. Though I admit, it MAY have something to do with my irrational anger toward anyone whose name ends with a -th. I apologize to any of your readers named Judith or Kenneth... it's not you, it's me.

    I changed my mind. It's TOTALLY you.


  9. "You're the cheerleader who decided she was "artsy"" - LOVE this.

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  11. Perfect post is perfect! Calling her the Summer's Eve of name dropping was the most amazing sentence I've ever read. I'm not even gonna try to add anything snarky. It would look anorexic next to this heaping helping of GOOPy goodness.

  12. I would love to leave a comment but I can't. I have an appointment for cupping...

  13. I've never cared for Gwyneth, especially when she adopted the fake British accent (way before she married Chris Martin).

    Like a lot of celebs she's become increasingly self righteous.

    Gross. She just needs to stop.

    Dlisted calls her fishsticks and goopy. I love it.

  14. Oh I dislike the Goop, and always will. But more importantly- What is this about getting published? Was that your tweet, or were you replying to someone else? Dish!

  15. i think that's why i like martha stewart so much: she does not give a FUCK what you think of her. she's not your friend; she is your domestic-goddess overlord. bow to her.

  16. You know, I was thinking about you and your anti-lurv for Gwyneth today. Does everyone have that one special person stuck in their head whether they like it or not? For me, it's Katy Perry. Don't know why, but then, life is randomly lovely like that. You so funny, it fills my cockles with warmth.

  17. I love you so much. If I didn't love you already (which, rest assured, I did), I love you now for certain. The Summer's Eve line stole my heart. As did the mention of watery goodness.

  18. I actually did like GP once--which is to say I haven't always hated her with the fire of a thousand suns. Years ago, when she did Sliding Doors, she didn't ruin it for me just by being herself. It was around the time she and Brad Pitt got matching haircuts that I realized she was a total idiot. It's been downhill from there. Stupid GP.

  19. I would totally bring Veuve Clicquot to a beer bash.

    But I would share. Or trade.

    Worst hangover I ever had - EVER - involved an all day champagne/beer brawl.

    And, yes, that Summer's Eve line killed!

  20. Oh gawd. Gwyneth Paltrow needs a published cookbook like we all need a hole in the head (or another kid). I gave you an award at my site! Will be up in a few minutes...

  21. She has managed to inspire a hatred that seems unparalleled in celebrity land!

  22. What recipes could she possibly be sharing? Water? Lettuce? Celery? On second thought, celery is probably too high in calories.

  23. I was not a fan of hers, all that nicer than nice stuff, makes me feel a bit nauseous to be honest

    For example the reason behind why she named the first fruits of her loin* , Apple

    “It sounded so sweet and it conjured such a lovely picture for me – you know, apples are so sweet and they're wholesome** and it's biblical – and I just thought it sounded so lovely and … clean! And I just thought, Perfect.”

    – I am so sorry, I appear to have left vomit stains in the corner of your blog…..

    That was until I realised how much hate and vitriol she inspires….

    It kind of makes me see her in a whole new light…..moving her away from her Sandra Dee persona….I guess there is a good chance John Travolta may have corrupted her, she has afterall worked her way through a fair bit of Hollywood real estate …Brad Pitt, Ben Affleck, Bruce Paltrow (oops, sorry my bad that was her dad…)

    So to get back to the point, anyone who can inspire this much wrath can’t be all bad in my book…..

    * If I was her agent I would have told her to say

    “since Apple is often considered the first fruit (it did get one of the lead roles in the garden of Eden) it was only appropriate that the first fruit of my lion should be so named….Martin and I are starting a campaign to make sure every first born child is called Apple …

    ** She has clearly not read “Rotten to the core…” the sad demise of the Beatles Apple corp….You just know that when the kid grows up and does something bad, “Rotten to the core” will be the stock headline in the Newspapers…..

  24. OH HOLY HELL this is the best thing I've read all week.

    I, too, wish people would do one of the following:

    Stick to the ONE THING. Be an actress. Or a singer. Or an author. Or a chef. And let someone else get a finger the pie.


    if you are THAT talented and simply have to stick your fingers into every pie (now I'm hungry, by the way) KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT about it.

    Let the rest of us lead our lives of quiet desperation without making us want to kill ourselves.


  25. In the pie. I meant IN the damn pie.
    Clearly, I'm not supposed to be an editor.

    But I still love this post. Especially because I know Gwyneth didn't write it.

  26. i hate her so much that i quit watching glee. lost respect for the entire show. i think i hate her because you do. and excellent point, how does someone who starves out know anything about food? one word - retiiirrrre.

  27. This just made my day. Hell, it made my week. If hating someone is wrong, I don't wanna be right.


Every time you comment, I get a lady boner.