Thursday, June 23, 2011

He just needs to stop. Seriously.

Scenes from a marriage:


The husband: I'm gonna light the grill.  Is the chicken ready?

Me:  Almost.  Hey, I haven't been able to light the grill the last couple of times I've tried.  Is that ignition thingy broken already?  What the fuck?

The husband:  I dunno.  It worked last night.  I'll check it out.

[A minute or so passes.  I rinse and season chicken.  The husband is out on the deck, making fire, like a real man. He comes back into the kitchen.]

Me:  Did it work?

The husband:  Yes.  It works fine.

Me:  Well, what the fuck?

The husband: . . .  Did you turn the propane on?

Me: . . . .

The husband: . . . .

Me:  . . . No.

The husband:  Well, see, you have to turn the propane on -

Me: Shut. The fuck. Up.




[We don't have cable, so we usually end up watching Hulu or Netflix or DVDs. Every once in a while, we'll watch something on one of the regular channels that come through the air.

The other night, it was The Hardy Boys.]

Me: Oh, my god, they're driving a Rape Van.

The husband:  This acting is terrible.  Is that Valerie Bertinelli?

Me:  Yes.  Parker Stevenson looks as good as I remember.

The husband:  You know what we should do?

Me:  What?

The husband:  We could totally make this into porn.

Me: . . . .

The husband:  Just hear me out.  You can leave the show as it is - wooden acting, terrible plotlines, cheesy dialog.  They've already got the porno music; you just add in sex scenes.

Me: . . . .

The husband:  Seriously.  I mean, listen to that dialog.  And Valerie Bertinelli as some multiple personality chick, where one of the personalities is a crazy biker?  This writes itself.

Me:  Are you kidding me?

The husband:  No.  See?  Right there, where they go off to "take care of it," even the Hardy Boys could get some guy on guy action. Wouldn't you like to see that?

Me:  ARE YOU KIDDING ME?  NO!  I mean, Parker Stevenson, sure, but not Shawn Cassidy.

The husband:  It's a gold mine.

Me:  I seriously doubt that.  The acting is terrible.



The husband:  I need new pillows.

Me:  I just bought new pillows a few months ago.

The husband:  These pillows suck.  They're too flat.

Me:  I purposefully asked and checked on pillows to get you pillows that would be comfortable because you sleep on your face.  Those are the pillows.

The husband:  I don't like them.  I need new ones.

Me:  Well, go get them.

The husband:  I can't go get new pillows.  I don't know what kind to get.


The husband:  You're better at picking out pillows.  You're the pillow expert. 

Me:  So even though you hate the pillows I just got you, you want me to pick out new pillows for you.

The husband:  Yes.  That's the rule.  You're in charge of pillows.

Me:  You deserve bad pillows.


  1. Have you been spying on me and Mrs. Penwasser?
    Oh, by the way, I like "light the grill" as a marital euphemism. I might get to use it sometime this year.
    When the kids are out.
    And Mrs. Penwasser is asleep.

  2. I could see Shawn Cassidy in a porn.

    And don't feel bad about the propane thing. My sister and her baby daddy, have been down to one car for the last 3 months saving up money to get the second, broke down car fixed. My dad, the genius, said "what if the gas gauge broke and it's just out of gas?", it did, it was, runs great now.

    And I have the same problem with pillows and husbands. We have 7 brand new, not good enough pillows, on our spare bedroom bed.

  3. Shit. My husband and I have had that exact same pillow argument. Kind of scary to see it on your blog. It's like you are spying on us.....

  4. I don't even now how to lift the grill top, (is it called a top?), so you're like, a grill queen in my eyes.

    Grilling and fire are man jobs. Sorry Gloria Steinem, but you can fuck off on that one. I don't like to get dirty or sweaty.

    And my husband with the pillows, as Blogger is my witness, one of these days, I'm going to smother him with those pillows. He always thinks we don't have enough pillows. I'm all, "Dude, we have 1100 pillows on this bed." But he can never have enough. He's like Charlie Sheen and drugs, but his drugs are pillows. Really makes him sound manly. I'm glad he's not a blog reader.

  5. My husband makes me buy his pillows too, though he always complains about my choices. What the hell?

  6. What is it with men and pillows? You have probably been eavesdropping on our conversations. I told him THIS WEEK to get his butt over to BB&B and choose new pillows because I will smother him with "the bad pillows" if he doesn't. (And still, he tells me I have to do it because I know what to buy.)

    Honestly. I'm glad to know it's just not my own personal hell. It is shared.

  7. That's hysterical! this could seriously be my wife and me. (the last one, i mean - we're not too big on hardy boys porn)

    you know that game where the last to say "not it" has to do whatever it is?

    My wife and I play a similar game called, "Well, you're the expert in 'x'!" I have recently be dubbed the expert in such random things as how long pasta has to boil and the organization of bins in our closets.

  8. "I have recently be dubbed" s/b "I have recently BEEN dubbed." apologies.

  9. "You're the pillow expert."

    I don't remember writing this, and yet surely I did?

    Also, the propane thing? It's funny 'cause it's true.

  10. Al - I am now going to use "light the grill" as a marital euphemism. That's genius, is what that is.

    Marisa - Now I don't feel so bad. Your dad is a genius. Also, I just gave my dad 2 other new not good enough pillows. I don't get it.

    Nikki - I am NOT spying, but you could use a new roll of paper towels in the kitchen. I mean, I AM NOT SPYING.

    Joann - Pillows as drug addiction? I could actually get behind that. Also, I embrace feminism as giving me the power to say, "You know what? I am NOT doing that." That being whatever disgusting job I have no interest in doing. It's Win/Win!

    Alison - If you're going to complain, you need to buy your own. That's my motto from now on. Maybe.

    Alyson - I'm surprised that the pillow issue is so universal. I thought it was our insane fight. I guess that's just the Hardy Boys porn.

    Bill - Your expertise is impressive. I'd start adding those things to your resume.

    Jillsmo - Oh, yeah, sorry, I swooped into your brain and stole that.

  11. I can't believe he wanted to defile the Hardy Boys with that filth! (rocking back and forth with fingers in ears)

    You should go out and buy the exact same pillows and see if he likes them better. Because if he does...then he's just busting your balls for no good reason, and that's a green light for payback.

  12. Scene 2 about "The Hardy Boys" - I immediately thought of bad 70s porn when I stumbled onto the episodes a few weeks ago.

  13. This just made me guffaw like a lunatic. If he sleeps on his face, get him one of those massage table things with a hole cut out for his face to go into. Or just cut holes in the pillows you got. One of those.

  14. My husband sleeps with his head on one pillow and clutches the other one to his chest like a lover, which doesn't really affect me at all but when I'm reading him and I see how he uses pillows, it makes me want to smother him with one. And I light the barbecue, but I'm always pleasantly surprised when I don't blow myself up. (I just thought the comment stream needed one more Allison).

  15. YOU SLEEP ON YOUR FACE HA HA HA HA HA HA...oh that made me happy. Why do they DO THAT?!?

  16. I think my grill uses those stubborn little charcoal briquettes. I can NEVER get them to light.

  17. I feel SO much better knowing that when we move away to the commune of Chicks Who Make Me Laugh, my husband will be okay because he can hang with his twin (i.e. your husband). Of course, they will have very sore necks from their shitty pillows.

    Also? I had a Shaun Cassidy t-shirt that I used to kiss every night before bed. #truestory

  18. This is how it would go at our house:

    ME: Alright, chicken's seasoned and ready to go on the grill. I turned the propane on and grill is lit. I've set the table and poured the juices. Call me when the timer goes off for the chicken because I'll be finishing the laundry and cleaning the bathrooms."

    The Husband: Did you buy my new pillows?

  19. Mine is more like "Did you pay bills?" 2 minutes later "Did you pay bills?" 3 minutes later "so are you going to pay bills?"

    Then I throw the laptop at him.

  20. Oh dear, these are exactly the sorts of conversations I used to have with my husband as well! You know, if you replace 'light the grill' with 'have affairs' and 'you're the pillow expert' with 'have sex with other women'!

    Can you see where this is going? That's right... this is a proposal... what do you say Suniverse, you and me? Sarah xxx

  21. shawn cassidy was my first concert and my first crush.

  22. I think your husband is on to something with the whole porn angle. You could make yourself a nice little pile of cash off of that, you know!

  23. Oh Empress, you do way too much!!!! Wow!

    My husband doesn't complain about pillows and of course I let him do all things "grill", I'm too girly for it for sure. Hey I know my limitations, I got Married for a reason goddammit!!!!!

    Also I don't know about Hardy Boys porn....I'll mull it over.

    But we were in the car this morning and I was looking at the Victoria Secret catalog , on the "mightie" page was a piece of lingerie that was "peek a boo"ish and I showed it to John, "who the F**k would wear this???"

    W/o missing a beat "well hoping you would".

    Game over buddy!LOL

  24. Have you seen the movie Orgasmo, by the guys who created South Park? It's about a Mormon missionary / theater major who stumbles across a porn shoot. Things happen & he's cast (but, being Mormon, doesn't actually participate in any of the actual sex scenes), and the porno becomes the greatest movie of all time. I think your husband may have something.

    But, you're right, he deserves bad pillows. That last story strikes me as my approach to doing the dishes growing up . . . if I did a crappy enough of a job, I wouldn't be asked to do it any more. Only, my mom would make me do the dishes again & again & again until they were good, taking significantly more time than if I had just "done them the right way" the first way. It starts to differ, though, when you realize that you were simply trying to do something nice (hence him deserving bad pillows). I can't imagine "pillow buying" being a specialty. Methinks your husband doesn't even know where to go about looking for / pricing pillows.

  25. 1. I love you. 2. I once saw Parker Lewis' vacation home in Maine, which is nothing like seeing him in person and I'm not even sure why I'm mentioning it, but it's the first thing that came to my mind. I should probably have that checked...

  26. Ha. In my house it is the opposite. I married a CPA who is the opposite of an idiot savant when it comes to technology. I guess that would make him a techno-idiot. And he's in charge of pillows. I'm in charge of food and tv. I had the biggest crush on Parker Stevenson. Whatever happened to him, anyway? I would be disappointed to find out he went into porn.

  27. First, propane sucks and I will never BBQ. I know. It's totally sexist of me to leave that to my husband but whatever.

    There are things I do he never will so there's that.

    Also, Shaun Cassidy's kid(s) went the high school where I taught. When the mother showed up for a parent/teacher conference with me, she was wearing a torso-baring shirt with a conspicuous belly ring.

    And tight, torn jeans.

    To a parent/teacher conference.

    So I'm pretty sure he'd be into porn.

    (oh yeah.)

  28. Your husband needs special pillows for sleeping on his face? THAT'S SO STRANGE. I buy mine based on what my cats prefer.


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