Thursday, June 16, 2011

How to make PMS your bitch. Or be a bitch while PMSing. I'm not sure how this is going to go.

I wish I wasn't one of those women who had to deal with PMS. Or, really, anything except maybe making out with Johnny Depp on a regular basis [how pissed am I that I didn't it make it my mission back when I was young and hot to go after him? I could've kicked Vanessa Paradis's ass].

Anyway, I try and stay on top of my PMS by doing all sorts of calming bullshit, like doing yoga every morning [yes, while watching the news], and eating right and getting enough rest and not immediately telling my husband that I hate every single thing about him and my fervent hope is that he start RIGHT NOW to either change who he is or make enough money so we can divorce and I can break up Johnny Depp's non-marriage to the mother of his children.

Some days it goes better than others.

Yesterday? Was not one of those days.

It began thusly:

Wake up at 5:30am because the alarm went off, even though you haven't gotten up at 5:30am in . . . are we closing in on a year now? Maybe.  Fuck.

Roll over.  Try and fall asleep.  Realize it's not working.  Hate the husband because he's able to sleep.  Hate the wind for blowing a cool breeze into your bedroom.  Hate the fact that your pillows are just a 1/4" out of place.

Give up and get up.

Go get your paper in your nightgown and fuzzy slippers and Helena Bonham Carter hair.  Wave at the passing car.  Who cares? You're married and going to stay that way forever because nothing good ever happens to you.

Do yoga while watching the news and hating Matt Lauer more than anyone on earth right that minute.

Realize you hate Al Roker even more.  Debate going back to George Stephanopoulous, but know that you'll punch the t.v. if you do and you can't afford a new t.v.

Wonder if you'd miss the t.v. if you punched Matt Lauer.

Turn off the t.v.

Eat oatmeal and a banana while going through your email.  End up with oatmeal specks on your keyboard and screen because you can't believe the garbage coming through your email.

Sigh and get down to work.  Hate having to work.  Hate not having enough freelance work to make a dent in your enormous pile of debt.

Wonder if you can have an IPO or a garage sale.  Decide which would be easier.  Probably an IPO, even though you technically don't have anything to offer.

Eat a healthy, balanced lunch of chicken & veggies & undressed salad with only brown rice as your carb.  Put your dish in the kitchen sink.  Return to your desk and begin to do your work [read blogs].  Open two links from your reader.  Get up, go back into the kitchen and get 2 of the homemade chocolate chip cookies the girl made earlier in the week.  Eat them pretty much en route to your desk, which is MAYBE 15 feet away.  Sit down.  Open up a new link, but don't wait for it to finish loading before you jump up from your seat to go back to the cookie jar and snag another cookie.  Start to replace the lid before a hand that looks like yours but couldn't possibly be grabs another cookie.  Manage to get back to the desk before you finish eating them.  Feel sick to your stomach from all the sugar and flour.

Ignore every phone call you get because you cannot handle speaking to one more person today.  They all suck.  Completely.  Wonder why does everyone WANT something from you? WHY???

Eat another cookie.  Feel sicker.  Sigh and put your head down.

Hope that you get your period soon because this is ridiculous.


PS Freedom winner announced on Friday. GET READY TO RUMBLE, BITCHES.

PPS I'm not even sure what the hell is happening here.


  1. I cannot have cookies in my house - I am helpless under their powers.
    PS. Who's George Stephanopoulous? We have a George Stroumboulopoulos but I'm guessing they're not the same guy - just awesome last names.

  2. Gah, sounds like a hell of a day. Damn cookies.

    Er, feel better soon? I feel weird wishing your period on you.....

  3. Cookies sabotage even the best of intentions. I'm about ready to cuss my dear Mom out because she brought me a bag of my favs. Now empty. I'm +3 lbs. Curses. And I'd better NOT be pms'ing yet...

  4. woman, I can not even BAKE any longer. So I don't. And then I get a tablespoon of PMS (less in actual days, still a good healthy dose of pure, unadulterated loathing when I do get it), and I'm CLIMBING THE WALLS for some sort of nut/chocolate/potato chip/melted cheese combo that doesn't exist.

    Don't forget about whisky. All of those idiot books that say to avoid alcohol? They'll never love and understand you.

    I really related to this.

  5. While I'd like to comment on my empathy for the PMS'ing, I'm too in awe over the fact that while PMS'ing you:
    ~ get up at 5:30 (a time I only see if I'm getting up to pee before climbing back into bed)
    ~ generally eat better than I do even while on a diet,
    ~ don't have to regularly replace your tv after having punched news anchors that grind on your last nerves
    ~ Eat only 5 cookies
    ~ Can still resemble a relatively normal, high-functioning individual while supressing the hulk-like urges that stir within

    My husband can never find out about you or my "I'm PMS'ing" excuse may be gone for good.

  6. You describe PMS so succinctly! Thank you.

    Al Roker is a douche and sucks way more than Matt Lauer. Underneath all that fake cheeriness lurks a serial killer...I'd put money on it.

  7. Ha, another couple months we should be on the same cycle. I was just here a week or so ago. March on fellow psychopath.

    Heart you!

  8. "Who cares? You're married and going to stay that way forever because nothing good ever happens to you."

    What is wrong with me that sentences like that make me pee my pants.

    I am so sick.

  9. I'm pmsing this week. I went and got my hair did. and i feel like a new bitch. still a bitch, but a more attractive one...

  10. I don't PMS, but this sounds suspciously how I feel when I'm depressed. Also? I still have my alarm set and it goes off at 6 AM every morning even though I haven't gotten out of bed before noon in at least four months. We might be soulmates.

  11. This made me laugh! I'm so with you on the cookies bit. I can put some DENTS in the cookie plate. The oatmeal bowl? Not so much.

  12. I relate so hard I just want to shout it.

    I worked out the other day that I have PMS for about two weeks before my period. Then I sulk through my period, and have post-period grumples for about three days afterwards.

    That leaves me with, what FOUR DAYS in each month of feeling "normal" whatever the hell that is.

    PS. Fucking Yoga.

  13. I just think it's a shame that you ruined the awesomeness of the cookies with that nasty oatmeal. How do you live with yourself?

  14. Really, the last PPS is pure awesome.

    To be honest, I'm in love with the whole post. Because this is me on a daily basis. Without PMS.

  15. IPOs are definitely easier. Definitely easier. Serious, I have done one IPO, and three garage sales. I am an expert in these matters.

    PS the secret to the IPO is to have nothing to offer.

    Chin Up Chicka, next week you'll be a Honey Badger and not give a Faulk about this stuff. Except the IPO. Tuck that one away.

  16. Sorry.

    I'll stop sneaking into your house and f'ing with your pillows.

    I didn't know.

  17. You know how you prefer to remain anonymous?
    Well, if my husband ever finds this post he is going to be 100% certain that I am writing your blog.

    I died over the part where you are married and always will be because nothing good ever happens to you!


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