Monday, June 27, 2011

I did it! Suck on that, Ben & Jerry's!

Who doesn't love ice cream?


Then you are dead to me.

I'm a huge fan of ice cream and frozen yogurt and even sherbet in its proper setting [tiny metal bowls at a sticky luncheon].  I've also become something of a foodie, and, when the latest Costco coupons came in the mail, found myself yearning for an ice cream maker.

***Dooododdoododooddoo*** [Memory music Intro]

When I was a small child, we were at our aunt and uncle's house and their neighbor, a loveable gruff old guy who was missing the tops of a couple of fingers, asked us if we wanted ice cream cones.

Of course we said, "YES!" and went into his house where he said he'd make us home made ice cream cones. Visions of a hand-cranked taste sensation went flying through my head.  I had never seen such a thing, but had read about people making ice cream, and was thrilled I'd join the likes of Nancy Drew or The Bobbsie Twins in having REAL. HOMEMADE. ICE CREAM! 

I told Old Neighbor Guy we usually got ice cream at the store or ice cream stand.  He couldn't believe we'd never had home made ice cream cones, and proceeded to make them for us.

By scooping store bought ice cream onto store bought cones. 

[No, there was no weird perversion here, although now that I re-read this, it kind of seems like a completely viable intro to a Lifetime movie.  "Suniverse's Story: When Ice Cream Won't Wash Away the Shame."]

***Dooododdoododooddoo*** [Memory music Outro]

So anyway, I had ideas about ice cream.  And was pleased to find an ice cream maker on sale at Costco.  With a coupon!  Further sale!  We'd be MAKING money by buying this thing.

So the husband bought me an ice cream maker, and I made ice cream and now I'm sharing that recipe with you.


Vanilla Frozen Yogurt 
[Adapted from David Lebovitz's superlative ice cream recipe book, The Perfect Scoop]

Makes about 1.5 quarts.  I'm not sure how much that is, but that's what the recipe says.

3 cups yogurt [regular / strained / Greek style]
2/3 cup sugar


1.  Decide which type of yogurt you are going to use.  Strained or Greek style yogurt will make a creamier, denser frozen yogurt.  If you are going to strain your plain yogurt, realize this is going to add a day to your recipe, since you're supposed to strain 6 cups of plain yogurt through cheesecloth [which you have to go buy, after deciding that a paper towel probably won't cut it] in a mesh strainer [which you actually have, since the husband bought you a graduated set for Christmas] that is placed over a bowl [you know what a bowl is] and set in the fridge for 6 hours or overnight in order to get 3 cups of yogurt.

2.  After you have strained the yogurt, add the sugar and vanilla and mix thoroughly.  Or have your kid mix it.  I added I don't know how much vanilla, because the girl was doing this part of the recipe.  Let's say 1 tablespoon. 

3.  Open up your ice cream maker box.  Read the directions and realize you have to freeze the cylinder for 24 hours. 

4.  Fuck.

5.  Wash out the parts of your ice cream maker and dry thoroughly.  Place the cylinder in your freezer.  Decide that frozen margaritas are a much better and quicker method of enjoying summer.

6.  The next day, have your kid go get the cylinder from the freezer.

7.  She drops it on her foot.

8.  In a move sure to win you Parent of the Year, yell at your kid for being clumsy and ruining EVERYTHING.  As icing on the cake, don't ask if her foot hurts.

9.  Calm down.  Apologize.  Continue to feel like the shittiest parent in the world, including those who are on reality shows.

10.  Regroup and set up the ice cream maker. 

11.  Press start and pour in the ingredients and . . .  that's it.  Your work is done.

12.  Keep peeking into the ice cream maker, wondering if it's working right.  Keep pushing the ice cream around with your rubber spatula.

You don't actually have to do this.  Except at the end, to get all the ice creamy goodness out.
13.  Step away from the ice cream maker.

14.  After 20 minutes, turn off the ice cream maker, scoop out the delicious goodness and try some.  Wonder why you've been paying out to ice cream makers like a sucker for all these years.
It's so sweet and tasty.  Actually, it tastes almost sour cream/cream cheese-y.  So GOOD.
Store any leftover ice cream [HAHAHAHAHA] in a freezer-safe container.


  1. I freaking LOVE ice cream. Gelato, sherbets, ice cream, all of them.

    I've always wanted to make my own ice cream, so I can experiment with flavors.

    Now, I want to eat ice cream.

  2. Hell ya, I'd be scoopin' it out with a spatula! YUMMMM.

  3. Yum. I want to learn how to make gelato. But I don't have the time. Or money. Or patience. Or freezer space. Going to buy some B & G now. Damn.

  4. I don't even know how many times I laughed out loud while reading this. I'm going to kidnap you and chain you up in my house so you can amuse me all the time. Or shrink you somehow and carry you in my purse so your powers of amusement won't be wasted while I'm not at home. I hope you're okay with this.

    In other news, I need an ice cream maker.

  5. I love the part where your daughter allegedly "ruined everything". Only because it sounds like something I would say and then feel like a giant asshole for doing. We should become friends and support each other through our bad parenting in the pursuit of all things ice-y and cream-y.

  6. My brother got an ice cream maker a couple of summers ago and spent a shit ton of money on whipping cream, I imagine, because he was OBSESSED with making homemade ice cream for months.

  7. Alison - I am having a huge dilemma about what kind of ice cream to make next. SO MANY CHOICES.

    Lady Estrogen - It's definitely time for a LARGE SPOON.

    Vinobaby - Sorry about that, but enjoy the ice cream.

    MrsJenB - I am completely available.

    Angela - Yes, please, let's be friends because I could totally use someone to support my during my crappy parenting episodes. Plus, I can make the ice cream.

  8. YUM! That looks amazing! Alas I'm lactose intolerant but I'd totally risk it for some of that. Then, maybe, I could use your restroom for...oh.....8-9 hours? It would be totally worth it!

  9. I'm unsure if #4 is an interjection or an imperative. Regardless, looks like it is necessary to make delicious desserts!

  10. This is - by far - the most interesting set of directions I've ever come across for a recipe. Right down to dropping it on a foot. :)

  11. Number 4 happened to me the first time I made ice cream too.

    Other the hand, you've inspired me to dust off my maker, drop it on my foot, and try this homemade ice cream process again!!

  12. Yeah, I'm adding ice cream ingredients to my grocery list right now. I wrap my ice cream maker's cylinder in plastic wrap and keep it in the freezer 24/7 so it is always ready to do my ice cream bidding. Favorite homemade flavor: Cinnamon. mm mm mmmmm mmm mm mmmm

  13. We *need* to write a cookbook together. I'm using the term "cook" loosely.

  14. Make it soy, and I'm moving in.


  15. It's one of the few things that Mrs B has put on a banned from the house list - So no Icecream maker for me....She has two objections

    1) It will never be used -Fat chance

    2) It will be over used -Fat me....

  16. Ok, I only eat ice cream from Memorial Day to Labor Day and ummmmm, well cookies and birthday cake still trump ice cream even then..BUT! I have always wanted to try to make ice cream , in one of those ball things , I mean I do love a soft serve twist in a sugar cone..once in a while. ;) it tasted good didn't it????? Xo

  17. So, we're having ice cream when I show up for dinner? Awesome :-)

    Looks great.

  18. Step 4 is the story of my life. I love how much you love ice cream. We are frozen soul mates. I covet a DQ blizzard machine from Toys R Us. We will have to bring these gizmos when we ditch our families and move into the Funny Chicks Who Make Us Laugh Compound.

  19. GOOD JOB!!!!! No lie- I worked my way through college with two jobs: Baker/Ice cream maker at a confectionery in East Lansing MI, and Aerobic Instructor. Suck it Osteoporosis.

    best flavor we ever carried? Coffee Oreo. For shizznet- that stuff will cause involuntary Oreogasms.

  20. How much could a frozen cylinder have hurt her foot, anyway?


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