Tuesday, June 28, 2011

If it's Tuesday, it must be my day to unleash the randomness of my mind. Enjoy.

Let's just get to it, shall we?

I have a UFO tweeter following me! JEALOUS? YES, YOU ARE!  When the mother ship lands, I'll put in a good word for you.  Provided I'm not cowering under the bed.  [Historical aside:  When I was much younger and freer, I was in Santa Fe, which is a weird place, and some friends and I were talking one evening about what we would do if a UFO did, in fact, show up.  Trust me when I tell you that when you are in Santa Fe, at night, this kind of thing seems more likely to happen than not.  Anyway, we pretty much all agreed that shitting our pants would be Job One if an alien showed up at the side of the bed.  What do you think?]

We are having an ass-ton of family over on July 4th.  Which is great, I love having parties.  It's just that it's dawning on me that we don't have a pool, nor do we live on lake, and I'm pretty sure we don't even have a sprinkler.  I need fun warm weather activities for age ranges 8 - 70.  STAT.

I have a tendency to be uber-competitive about somethings - especially things that have nothing to do with me. Also, I do not take kindly to perceived slights [and a slight can be perceived as being pretty much anything some days].  Yesterday I was speaking to the Academic Dean at the girl's new school, and we were going over the girl's course schedule [they want you to fill out a tentative 4 year plan at high schools now, did you know this?  Weird, right?] and we got to the math portion.

Math, this year, has been sticky.  The girl is fucking brilliant at math, but had a complete crisis of confidence and felt she was the dumbest kid in the history of kids who ever added or subtracted, which obviously affected her ability to deal with math and ultimately her final grade.

The Dean and I discussed this, and she suggested that rather than taking the more rigorous, advanced class in the fall, the girl take the regular, more sedately paced math class so that she could get her bearings back.

Great, right?

WRONG.  I had to stifle - seriously, clam down like a motherfucker - this urge to make sure that the girl was in the advanced class, because goddamnit, she's smart.  She doesn't need the slower paced class.  That's bullshit.

Which is completely wrong.  I know that.  It's not as if the Dean said she'd have to go to remedial math or repeat a class, which in any case would have been fine if she needed it.  Except I'm a fucking lunatic, and would have seen it as MY inability to have the girl function well in math class.

Which is even more wrong.  And crazy.   And what's worse is that I was getting bent about the girl not taking Algebra II & Trig and instead taking Algebra II.  Which is a class that is still 2 fucking years ahead of her grade level. 

What the fuck is wrong with me?

Am I the only crazy like this?  Please tell me I'm not.

Over at Circle of Moms, I've given my advice to new or soon-to-be moms, and evidently you can read my answer and vote for me [or just vote for me - trust me, I'm chock full of excellent advice on parenting, just reference above to my excellent parenting ability re: my daughter and math] so that I can be elected . . . Most Awesome in the Universe?  I'm not sure. Anyway, vote here. [I have no idea why the formatting sucks.  Sorry about that.]

O.k., so not only was this post full of randomness, but evidently full of questions I need you to answer.  So here's one more:

If you had to make out with either Hall or Oates, which one would it be?  Be honest.


  1. A UFO Tweeter follows you? How cool is that!? Maybe he (or she) can put a good word in for you so you don't get any rectal probes if the mothership lands (unless you're into that kinda thing. I won't judge).

  2. Hahaha - yuck! But since I usually favor the blonds, I go with Hall - he's the blond one, right?

    And UFO tweeter? yes, so very jealous.

  3. one word: volleyball net.

    shit, that's two words.

    that + a volleyball + badmiton raquets + birds = a few hours of entertainment.

    i agree with lady estrogen: yuck...couldn't do it.

  4. how many is an ass-ton? is it less than a shit-ton?

    i'm uber-competitive about random things as well.

    and is it hall and oates in the 80s? sorry, no can do with the 'staches. if it's present day and the 'staches are gone then maybe the brunette (i do NOT prefer blondes)

  5. Tie-dye.

    And get a $10 sprinkler to attach to your hose.

  6. I can so relate to the math thing. Reminds me of when my girl was tested for giftedness in 4th grade. Her score was two points lower than the minimum score to be labeled gifted. And, she'd come down with a stomach bug right after taking the test. Clearly she needed to be retested, right? Even though our school district doesn't have a gifted and talented program and the label wouldn't mean anything or change anything and she did not care in the least... Anyway, we didn't have her tested again. :) I don't care, she'll always be gifted to me. Sorry for ranting on your blog.

  7. 1. shitting your pants is an appropriate response to UFOs
    2. get a slip and slide
    3. you lost me at "math"
    4. you lost me at "mom"

    can't wait to hear about the party!

  8. Watermelon seed spitting contest!
    (our family did this at parties for years because we're classy. trust me. it's awesome.)

    Also, running through sprinklers!
    (see: classy.) My parents have home movies of me squatting for what seems like hours over a particularly hearty spray when I was five.
    (Apparently, this type of proclivity starts young.)

    And yes, you can pee while running through sprinklers! (as opposed to the pool/lake/ocean options which got people all skeeved.)

    I know running through sprinklers may seem a little tough on the 70-crowd, but they'll be busy with the watermelon seed spitting.
    (or they can always find a good spray over which to squat.)

    Good luck.

  9. The tall, blonde, lanky one.

    Off to vote,b/c I love crazy ass mothering advice.


    Call in the troops. IT wont' let me vote over there. I logged in and everything.

    And it won't let me vote. Stays stuck at 5 votes.


  11. we thought we were having a big 4th of july party ourselves: 16 people between the members of the household...

    until we forgot to count the one guy, who has invited 16 people all to himself. yeah. he's gonna double the party. this is gonna be a show.

  12. Two words: Mount Tikisoki. It's a volcano sprinkler. The young kids love sitting on it and having it shoot up their ass. Ditto the dads. The seniors get jolted awake when it unexpectedly shoots its wad. You'll love it because it will keep them all occupied. Also, whichever dude doesn't have the 'stache (Oates?)

  13. ps http://www.shopping.com/Hasbro-Super-Soaker-Mt-Tikisoki-Water-Volcano/info

  14. Math scares the everliving shit out of me. I was good at math in school - like, really good (until I got to college, when I was still pretty good, provided that I wasn't still drunk from the night before by the time I got to a test). I've had more calculus than most people can fathom.

    But, it was explained to me, and I "got it." If my kids (who aren't even old enough to speak yet, so school is still a long ways out) have trouble with math, I'm fully screwed.

    As for the party (I, too, enjoy having a shit-ton of people over), I always set up as many yard games as I can (horseshoes, lawn golf, cornhole), and I keep at the grill for as long as possible. As soon as the younger & older generations leave, I get more serious about my drinking as a poker tournament starts.

  15. My answer for all questions above is: close range water balloon launcher fights.

    Also, point taken about the font. Your comment pushed me over the edge to get a professional to get up in my biz and design me a layout.

  16. 1. A UFO would be an acceptable way for me to deal with chronic constipation from pain meds.
    2. Water balloons!
    3. Chat with the Dean, and be sure she can accelerate later once she has her feet back under her (confidence-wise.
    4. Can I just opt out of the whole Hall/Oates thing? If not, Hall. John Oates' mustache skeeves me out, and I usually LOVE facial hair!

  17. HALL!!!! all the way, I love Hall and Oates, have been BEGGING My husband to take me to see them on Tour this summer. In his defense , he wants to but they are playing in such god forsaken places on such god forsaken days that we can't do it, the DYNAMIC DUO is ruining my summer (LOL)

    so yes HALL, yummmy, anyone who can write a song like he can....I'm HOT for. (I didn't just type that, did I? )


Every time you comment, I get a lady boner.