Wednesday, June 29, 2011

This day is already hella-long and not just because I'm stuck in a time warp where hella-long is still used.

I keep realizing, like I'm in Momento or I'm Dory, that it's almost JULY and I've not spent one afternoon outside enjoying this weather.  What the hell?  I mean, I know that the weather's been alternately 60 degrees and rainy or 95 degrees and humid, and I'm not much for nature anyway, and I hate bugs, but I get that weird I'M MISSING OUT feeling when there's a breeze and sunshine and I'm holed up in the house, ironing a 2 foot high pile of clothing because nothing says summertime like freshly pressed cotton.  Or maybe I'm just sad that I'm ironing.  Part of the reason I'm looking forward to having so many people over all weekend is that it will MAKE me be outside, enjoying stuff.  Or at least I won't be ironing.  I hope.

And a hearty thank you to all for your excellent advice for party activities.  I'm simultaneously amazed/not even remotely surprised at the number of people who enjoy squatting over pressurized water.  I'm debating getting disposable enemas and just passing them out as party favors.

[Many, many years ago, when the girl was small, my cousin and I took her to a nearby park that has water sprinklers/sprayers. There was a little boy who would squat over a near-volcano of water and had such a pleasured look on his face that it was like you were invading his privacy when you were looking at him.  He'd squat there, for several minutes, get up and play with his friends for about 30 seconds and head right back over to squat some more.  My cousin and I could not stop with the uncomfortable laughter, because he really, really, REALLY looked like he could have used some alone time.]

I'm heading out this week to get a sprinkler [that Mt. Tikisoki looks demented and awesome, but $50 is not in my budget right now], some sparklers, bubbles and lawn darts.  Really, really pointy ones.  And untangle our badminton set.  And borrow one of those corn hole games.  And then laugh about the idea that we are all going to corn hole.  Because I am classy like that.  And get a giant watermelon to spit seeds.  Because we are also classy like that.  And because if you can't be foolish with your family, who can you be foolish with?  Besides just the general public, but they tend to be kind of judgy when you're in the middle of your third acappella rendition of The Pina Colada Song. [I'm sorry that now that song is stuck in your head.  I hope you feel my pain.]

Last night, I made the most delicious strawberry sour cream ice cream.  That ice cream maker?  I am its whore. 

These tasty treats . . .

. . . made this.
I'm planning on making chocolate and maybe blueberry and another vanilla for the weekend.  It's SO GOOD.  Also, patriotic.  Except the chocolate.  Unless you count it as being the earth upon which this great nation is built.  Wow.  I should run for office or be in advertising or maybe just shut the hell up.

Sorry for the lame.  Better stuff coming, I swear.

PS Just so you know, I would make out with the the non-mustachioed one - Hall.  Mustaches just scream porn to me.  I would also have to be very, very drunk.


  1. Confession: I have cornhole boards. It's a state law in Ohio that you must own at least one set.

  2. Ironing is the worst chore in the world, hands down.

    That ice cream, oh yummy!

    Badminton and spitting watermelon seeds sound fun, maybe you can combine them.

  3. Yay for ice cream! I'll be making Watermelon sorbet this weekend, as well as watermelon martinis for the grownups.

    June 27 was the first real day of summer up in Idaho. I'm finally enjoying the warm weather.

    And when in Rome... I might as well do some corn hole'n myself.

  4. I am only friends with people that do weird, lame, un-classy things at get-togethers. I can only hope that you also have a horseshoe set, that the drunken barbecuing men-folk play while discussing sports statistics.

    Whitney Houston, "Ohhhhh, I wanna dance with somebody!!!" Yeah, payback's a bitch.

  5. Um...not sure what corn hole'n is, but I totally get the drunken barbecuing horseshoe-playing men-folk. Yeah for long weekends!

  6. If you make me Chocolate, I'll come and iron for you.

    I love to iron.

    It is so instant results from your labor.


  7. Today I got stuff to make graham cracker ice cream, except instead of crushed graham crackers I'm using crushed chocolate covered grahams! And your party sounds fun. Hypothetically speaking, how would you react if some random family crashed it?

  8. I suddenly feel so less classy knowing exactly what a corn hole is. And Flannery, I'm going to kill you for putting Whitney in my head.

  9. AMo - Honest to god, what is it with Ohio? I could see Nebraska being a corn hole mandated state, but Ohio?

    Alison - I am totally combining watermelon seed spitting and badminton. Genius. - Ooooh, watermelon sorbet and martinis. You, sir, are the true patriot.

    Flannery - Un. Cool. Seriously. Whitney Houston? That's against the Geneva Conventions.

    Kara - Yeah, I'm not sure why throwing bags through a hole is called cornholing, but there it is. There it is.

    Empress - Ironing is actually o.k., but I tend to put it off until the pile is too high to be safe for my sanity. You can come over anytime for chocolate.

    Alli - Please send me the graham cracker ice cream. And the more the merrier, I always say.

    Lizbeth - Yeah, unfortunately, corn hole and classy do not compute. And Flannery is seven kinds of evil for that.

  10. Sigh. Horseshoes, cornhole, drunken bbq festival. Alas,I know them well. We have a family reunion to attend this weekend. It will have all of the above.

    ps: I only iron if someone makes me. And no one in this house wants beaten that badly.

  11. I don't iron anything. Fuck that. MAYBE I'll iron my capri pants, if I feel like being jazzy mom instead of busy mom...or if I don't feel like looking like a bag lady.

    I love badminton. I wish I were playing it now.

    Sprinklers don't suck if someone's dad DIDN'T JUST cut the lawn, but that's when the sprinkler goes up, I think.

    I can NOT choose between Hall or Oates. That music was terrible. I've tried to bury them in my subconscious, but you just unearthed them.

  12. Yeah, I was going to say - have you ever considered just ... not ironing? So, cornholing is - a beanbag board? I hate being outside in the summer, and yet I always feel like I should be - it's a real pain in the ass.

  13. I don't even really like Ice Cream but those picture make me want to lick a spoon while singing the Pina Colada song...sigh.

    It sounds like you're going to have a great weekend, what time should me and the dynamic duo be over???? Xo

  14. But if mustaches scream "porn" to you, why wouldn't you make out with the muschacio'd one? Because we know you like your porn.

    Your writing over the past couple of days has me thinking that I need to dig out my ice cream maker. It's been sitting in my chest freezer (because of that whole "need to freeze for 24 hours" thing, I put it in the chest freezer, but that's a pain to get to, so it's way out of sight, out of mind). Strawberry/blueberry/banana ice cream sounds good right now. And patriotic. But mostly yummy.

    Enjoy the party :-)

  15. Corn hole is the greatest game on the planet. And once again - Blogger is not letting me post as me. Sarcasm Goddess here - visiting from WTF Wednesday.

  16. That ice cream looks soooooooo good. Recently got a blender and I'm going crazy making fresh fruit smoothies everyday!

  17. Don't forget You need a slip and slide and CHAMPAGNE! Also- I bought the cotton candy maker from World market this week, so if we were neighbors we'd eat your ice cream, my cotton candy. wash it all down with bubbles and use the slip and slide to do the ironing.


Every time you comment, I get a lady boner.