Thursday, June 30, 2011

My heart will go on. Just don't phunk with it. Because it's a heart shaped box.

Several weeks ago, I was working out and reading and texting and I got a bit dizzy.

So I slowed down and did some deep breathing and then just ignored the whole thing and continued to work out for the next couple of weeks.

And then it happened AGAIN, and I thought, huh, maybe this isn't normal, and maybe those disclaimers that are on the exercise machines telling you to stop exercising and see your physician if you get dizzy actually want you to do that.

So I continued to exercise, at a slower pace, but did ask the husband if he ever got dizzy when he worked out.

The look of what the fuck on his face told me he did not.  His words telling me he did not and that I should probably at least call the doctor made me think I should probably at least call my doctor.

So I emailed her.

And I got a call from her office asking me to come in.

I went in and we talked about what had happened and she was a bit concerned, and I was becoming more concerned, because nobody likes it when their doctor is concerned.  Nobody.  Not even hypochondriacs.  We want the doctor to say, "Psshaw, it's nothing."

We figured it was, in all probability and likelihood, due to my near constant inner ear fucked upedness.  But to be sure, she wanted to run some tests. 

The nice nurse wired me up like a ham radio and ran a test, which the doctor said was fine.  I was supposed to go get a complete echo something or other, though, just to make sure.

On my way out, I asked the nurse if it was o.k. to continue exercising.

She said she'd check with the doctor and meet me at the front desk. 

While I was paying for my visit [where is my OBAMACARE??], my doctor came over and said, "You can keep exercising, just work out at a lighter pace."  I said, "O.k., great."  She nodded and turned away, and then came back. 

Doctor:  I'm sure you'll be fine, but just go slow, because you know how all those athletes have heart problems and their hearts explode when they work out.  We don't want that to happen to you.

Me: . . . .

Doctor: [turns and walks away] [turns back around quickly and walks back] Not that that'll happen to you.  I'm sure it won't.  Just go easy.

Me: Uh. O.k.

So I really slowed down the workouts and went for the next round of testing, which entailed me laying on table in a front-opening gown with wired sticky tabs on me while a surprisingly nice guy gelled my top half up and poked and prodded me with an ultrasound thingy.  He made some small talk and we both eavesdropped on the old woman who was having some weird testing done in the next cubby area over.  She was really, really warm.  Really warm. I'm not sure where, but I simultaneously need and don't want to know.

Nice Guy said I was done, helped me up and said he'd wait outside the curtained area while I cleaned up and he'd walk me out.  It was like all of my one-night-stands had morphed into this moment of me, standing topless and wiping goop off my chest.  Ah, memories.

Anyway, I ended up tossing my bra in my purse, putting my shirt on and hitting the bathroom where I Silkwood Sponge Bathed my torso for about 10 minutes, trying to scrub all the shame goop off.  Which also brought back some memories.

My doctor got the results and my heart is nice and normal, and we figured the dizziness is probably part of the vertigo/inner ear craziness.  So that was good.

I wonder if Nice Guy will call me.


  1. Phew thank goodness you're ok! Can the vertigo/ inner ear craziness be sorted out?

  2. Dude - you're married - get the nice guy to call ME. He won't regret it.

    I went to the doc once and told her I was pretty sure I had vagina cancer. She gave me some cortisone cream. It was not vagina cancer. And another time I went to the doc (smae doc) and told her I was pretty sure I have liver cancer. She told me I needed to do a poo.

    I swear to dog I don't make this shit up.

    And also, so glad to hear you're not dead.

    Your number one fan, Sarah xxx

  3. Only you could take a story like this and throw a Silkwood bathing reference in there. Did you cry and say "I'm cleeeeean"?

    I'm so glad everything's okay with your heart!! And way to go, Doc, referencing exploding hearts. Talk about bedside manner.

  4. Oh, did this make me chuckle.

    Inner ear issues will phuck you up, balance-wise . . . dizziness when working out can be a really, really bad thing - but if you have inner ear issues, it's easily explained, and therefore not scary.

    Now, I don't have a whole lot of experience, but the more the goo on your nude chest, the more a workout you just got, right?

  5. "It was like all of my one-night-stands had morphed into this moment of me, standing topless and wiping goop off my chest. Ah, memories." Hahahaha! Thanks for taking me on a walk down memory lane. Good times, college was.
    And because blogger is a douch canoe, I once again can't comment as me, Sarcasm Goddess.

  6. I am so glad that everything is ok with your heart. I have so had a ton of tests done for my heart. Laying there with all of your boobiness exposed is the worst. One time while I was having one of these tests done with my boobs exposed a whole heard of interns walked in. Mortification ensued. Best part, I was only 13.

  7. hahahaha ah the memories.

    Glad everything is fine with you.

  8. This comment has been removed by the author.

  9. i hate vertigo...i hate that our bodies are just waiting to betray us. UGH

    i've had tests like that...they want you to run on a treadmill sans bra? um...sure.

    i'm glad you're ok. selfishly it's because i so enjoy reading your posts. (yes, it's all about me)

  10. utterly brilliant - the whole goop part. sorry about your dizziness. sounds like you might have an allergy to working out. you should eliminate it from your life...

  11. If your heart explodes, can I have your camera?

  12. I got dizzy when I was exercising a few months back. Turns out I had mono. Then my doctor advised me not to do anything strenuous for a while. I took that to mean that I should stop all physical activity and eat only ice cream. Best. sickness. ever.

    (Glad you're OK.)

  13. What a whole lotta to-do and then it really is what you thought it was in the first place. Thank goodness! Yay, you're not going to be a exploding-heart-athlete on the elliptical anytime soon.

  14. OH!

    I didn't enjoy this story at all. I was totally all mom-ish worried. Thank goodness it didn't have some horrid ending to the story, because you are soooooooooo, soooo right: the doctor really IS there to poo poo our fears.

  15. I'm pretty sure the heart is more important than the ear so that's good I think.

  16. Only you could take a echo exam and make it sexy/shameful!!! When you talked about your one night stands I almost screamed in laughter, we are kin..or soulmates or somethin.

    I am so glad you are ok. I have fibromyalgia and I get horribly dizzy when I work out or walk too fast lately. Like I said..thank goodness u are alright, I don't know what I'd do without U!!!!!!
    Hoping Nice Guy calls ;)

  17. Oh, where to begin? Emailing your doctor? The sex flashbacks? The doctor who talks like Dr. Spaceman on 30 Rock? I'm glad you aren't dead, because I would've felt bad laughing so hard at this...

  18. Wow - hope you're feeling better. I get dizzy too sometimes, but I always convince myself that it's because i have low blood sugar and that I need to eat a snickers.

    Then I eat a snickers. It doesn't solve the dizziness, but hey, I got to eat candy.

  19. NO shit - I've been getting dizzy, too.

    Like standing in the kitchen, cross-eyed, have to shake my head a bit and hold the counter dizzy.

    (sometimes even when I haven't been drinking.)

    And I always "take it slow" when it comes to work outs.

    Perhaps I should see a doctor.

    Or maybe I'll just come over and sit on the couch listening to Bossypants with you. Or watch Silkwood.

    Either way, I'd better not risk any more exercise.

    That's just smart.

    (p.s. I swear I'm not a stalker. I just think you're funny. And I like homemade ice cream.)

  20. Let's think of this positively- any chance your in such great shape that your blood pressure is unusually low and that caused the dizziness? That used to happen to me in my 20's. ah the memories. Now I need ice cream.

  21. SO relieved all turned out okay, sorry you had to go through all of that, though!

  22. Oh my god. Hypochondriac here too. I once went to my doctor convinced I had a brain tumor that turned out to be a sinus infection.

    What your doc said? Jeez, what was that... some kind of weird heart test? Because I'm pretty sure the stress of being told your heart is going to explode might be enough to make it explode.

    Stopping by from TRDC.


Every time you comment, I get a lady boner.