Week in Review - It's Raining, It's Pouring [It's Really Not - Unless It's Pouring Hellfire]

Oh, my darlings.

IT IS HOT.

Is that news? Probably not, but HOLY HELL, it's hot.

Also? I've got a temp job starting Monday PLUS I got a few freelance jobs in the past couple of days . . . so . . . I'm going to go down to posting two or three times a week for the next while.  If the spirit or creativity moves me? Then I'll post more, but I know I won't be able to get shit done AND post anything even remotely worthwhile unless I have time to decompress.  And also? I love that you love my writing, which makes me want to do more, which makes me want to FINISH WRITING ONE OF THESE GODDAMN NOVELS/MEMOIRS/COOKBOOKS on my laptop and sell the shit out of it so I can live a life of leisure and enjoy your company in my swimming pool filled with dubloons.

The plan is to start hosting a weekly GUEST POSTER THINGY, where on Tuesdays you can come here and vent or rant or just be awesome.  Maybe do a little dance?  It's all about choice. Because I love. Also, the husband has agreed to post on Thursdays.  Do NOT believe a word he says.

What else is happening?  I'm so glad you asked:

Some douchecanoe Republican representative in Florida [why is it always in Florida?] has sent out a screed against Representative Debbie Wasserman Schultz, who is the DNC Chair.  Now, I get that politics is full of testiness and people disagree on stuff and things are said about each other's positions, but this guy's tantrum bugs me for this reason:

“You have proven repeatedly that you are not a Lady, therefore, shall not be afforded due respect from me!”

The hell? This is particularly one of those times where I believe Amy Poehler had it right when she said, "I don't fucking care if you like it."

Serbian officials [perhaps some of Lori's in-laws?] have arrested the last remaining war crimes fugitive from the clusterfuck that was the dissolution of the former Yugoslavia.  This guy will be transferred to The Hague and put on trial for his actions in the genocide of almost 300 men and the forced deportation of 20,000 people, among other choice acts.  He had lived openly in Serbia until 2004, when he was indicted by the UN.  He then went into hiding near his family home. How did no one check there?

I don't know why this hasn't happened yet. Oh, wait, I do. We are crazy prudes in this country who have no understanding of how having contraception covered by your insurance so that it's free would go a long way to saving money on SO MANY OTHER THINGS, not the least of which is the amount women are shelling out so they don't catch pregnant [because it's like a cold, right? I didn't have sex ed in high school.].  I know this is going to become a huge lightning rod, and that makes me angry and I am someone who DOESN'T EVEN USE CONTRACEPTION.  TMI? Yeah, probably.  But isn't that why you're here?

Evidently Rupert Murdoch is surprised and shocked that his newspapers in England would hack into private phone messages.  Hmmm . . . I'm not sure if I'm buying it. I mean, maybe at ONE paper, you'd think "Rogue Editor or Reporter" but at pretty much all of them?  And now there are facts coming out that his son, who also said he knew nothing about the phone hacking, actually DID know about it.  That doesn't look good.  I mean, if you're going to be a tool and do something illegal and disreputable, at least have the strength of conviction to go all the way and say, "Yes, I did it, suck on that."  I would have more respect.  I think that's why I like the mob.

And speaking of, in Bulgaria, it's PROJECT OCTOPUS! Evidently the mob is pretty much all over the place there, with crime boss Alexi "The Tractor" Petrov having been charged with all sorts of nefarious deeds.

The administration of Bulgaria’s prime minister, Boyko Borisov, a former business partner of Mr. Petrov, has singled out suspected crime lords in a campaign called “Operation Octopus.” In an interview, Mr. Petrov denied the charges against him while twirling a stick with a plastic octopus stuck to its top. He also said he was contemplating running for president.

I want to go to there.

What's new in your hood?

Helpful Household Hints - Or a cry for help, I'm not sure which.

Dear Reader,

Be sure to clean your humidifier after its last use instead of leaving it sitting on the floor of your bedroom, calcifying and growing aggressive fungus. 

Why?

So that you're not up at 1:00am on the 4th of July weekend scrubbing the water well in the bathroom next to where your in-laws are sleeping [because the kitchen sink is full of dishes], trying to get into the tiny crevices with a wash cloth covered in aloe hand soap stuck on the end of a rat-tail comb [why do you own this?], wondering, near tears, why there isn't some sort of long handled scrubby thing you could use to clean this fucking thing before it dawns on you that you actually DO have a long handled scrubby thing in the kitchen [thanks, IKEA!].

You get most of the crusties off before you realize you hear your father-in-law up and shuffling around, wanting to use the bathroom, and you decide, fuck this, I'm done, and you fill up the tank and head back to the bedroom, hoping for the best, and then nearly flooding the bedroom because you didn't tighten the seal on the bottom cap correctly.  You become so frustrated trying to carefully move the base and not spill a metric ass ton of water that you accidentally unplug the surge protector and have to move the bookshelf and watch as the tv sways and you wonder if it will crash, because sure, why not, but you catch a break and it doesn't.

So you dump out the water, go back to your room, set up the partially clean humidifier [at this point, so long as some moisture gets sucked into your sinuses and throat, you don't care how many microbes come with it], go to climb into bed an hour after you left it and then you realize that your nightgown [shut up, people wear nightgowns] is soaked. 

You may or may not shed a tired tear as you change.

And then you lay down on your sweet, sweet bed, with the monotonous hum of the humidifier lulling you to sleep, before you realize you're now awake, so you start documenting this delightful moment in time and hope that you aren't actually smelling aloe soap or mold spores or calcified particulants spewing from the humidifier until you realize you are finally too tired to care and you fall into a broken sleep, dreaming of being thirsty on an airplane tarmac.

Hope you enjoyed your holiday at least that much!

XO,

S

Week in Review - Still questioning what is wrong with people. Answer? EVERYTHING.

Oh, my lovelies, how ARE you?  I'm delightful, what with my fun-filled week and the upcoming weekend of FAMILY TIME ALL THE TIME.  Please come over.  The week has been an interesting one, so let's check it out, shall we?

Evidently Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez has been in Cuba for the past few weeks seeking some of that excellent Communist medical care [seriously WHERE IS MY OBAMACARE?].  His supporters are praying for him to get better.  I confess, I'm a fan of Chavez's outrageous antics, just like I am of Fidel's, so to have the two of them together?  AWESOME.  Also, you know how Fidel has his brother Raul stepping up to take over?  Hugo has a brother who's got his back, too! Isn't that cool?  Hugo's brother, Adan, has stepped up and is doing PR re: Hugo's health.  I love my South American political firebrands.

France is kicking things up a notch by arming the rebels in Libya.  I'm kind of o.k. with this. I'm not a fan of fighting or war or despotism, but I'm pretty good with leveling the playing field.

In what I can only hope is going to bring some much needed levity to the upcoming election [which is STILL over a year away.  Take it down a notch, news people.], Stephen Colbert has set up a Super PAC so that he can create political ads to run on his show.  I am more than a little excited about this.


This isn't really news, but it's been bugging me:  How come it's all right when Glenn Beck and John Boehner cry like fucking babies, but when Hillary Clinton teared up while discussing her bid for the presidential nomination and her struggles as a woman, she was a pussy? An even bigger pussy than just being a woman makes her?  That still pisses me off.

In news of the Of Course He Did variety, that guy who hosts To Catch a Predator was caught on tape having an extra-marital affair.  Well, duh.  I've never actually watched the show, but for an excellent recap of the show, the douche and his diddling, check out Hate You, Probably's latest post.

These two people, Will & Kate, are visiting Canada this week. Um, Canadian blogger friends, hook a girl up with some dirt, o.k.?  Or an invitation to hang out.  Hell, why don't you snag them and come over for our 4th of July celebration?  I promise not to rub their nose in our FREEDOM! [Aside: I found some excellent decorations at the dollar store {which I loathe, because ugh, but I went to anyway, because poor} that included a screaming eagle like Stephen Colbert has on his intro.  I waffled & didn't get it, but my sister stopped in and picked it up and IT IS AWESOME so be ready for photos of how patriotic and AWESOME our party will be.  If you're too busy or cool to stop by.  Whatever.]

In more personal news, I already loved Tina Fey, but I am listening to her read her Bossypants book as an audiobook and people? I LOVE HER MORE NOW.  If you haven't read this, get it.  I'm going to get a book copy AND an audiobook because that way I can not only read it whenever I want, I can also listen to her read and pretend we're friends and are hanging out.  Shut up.  It's not that sad.

And in other news, I'm over at The Scoop on Poop, where I'm The Best Scoop of the Week today [of ice cream, not poop, don't be gross], and where I'll be guest posting on Monday.  Go on over now and see who I would be if I could be anyone for a day.  Go on.  You'll never guess who.

What are your plans for the weekend?  Anything interesting happen that I should know about?  Do you know Tina Fey and can you maybe give her my contact info?

If it's Tuesday, it must be my day to unleash the randomness of my mind. Enjoy.

Let's just get to it, shall we?

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I have a UFO tweeter following me! JEALOUS? YES, YOU ARE!  When the mother ship lands, I'll put in a good word for you.  Provided I'm not cowering under the bed.  [Historical aside:  When I was much younger and freer, I was in Santa Fe, which is a weird place, and some friends and I were talking one evening about what we would do if a UFO did, in fact, show up.  Trust me when I tell you that when you are in Santa Fe, at night, this kind of thing seems more likely to happen than not.  Anyway, we pretty much all agreed that shitting our pants would be Job One if an alien showed up at the side of the bed.  What do you think?]

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We are having an ass-ton of family over on July 4th.  Which is great, I love having parties.  It's just that it's dawning on me that we don't have a pool, nor do we live on lake, and I'm pretty sure we don't even have a sprinkler.  I need fun warm weather activities for age ranges 8 - 70.  STAT.

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I have a tendency to be uber-competitive about somethings - especially things that have nothing to do with me. Also, I do not take kindly to perceived slights [and a slight can be perceived as being pretty much anything some days].  Yesterday I was speaking to the Academic Dean at the girl's new school, and we were going over the girl's course schedule [they want you to fill out a tentative 4 year plan at high schools now, did you know this?  Weird, right?] and we got to the math portion.

Math, this year, has been sticky.  The girl is fucking brilliant at math, but had a complete crisis of confidence and felt she was the dumbest kid in the history of kids who ever added or subtracted, which obviously affected her ability to deal with math and ultimately her final grade.

The Dean and I discussed this, and she suggested that rather than taking the more rigorous, advanced class in the fall, the girl take the regular, more sedately paced math class so that she could get her bearings back.

Great, right?

WRONG.  I had to stifle - seriously, clam down like a motherfucker - this urge to make sure that the girl was in the advanced class, because goddamnit, she's smart.  She doesn't need the slower paced class.  That's bullshit.

Which is completely wrong.  I know that.  It's not as if the Dean said she'd have to go to remedial math or repeat a class, which in any case would have been fine if she needed it.  Except I'm a fucking lunatic, and would have seen it as MY inability to have the girl function well in math class.

Which is even more wrong.  And crazy.   And what's worse is that I was getting bent about the girl not taking Algebra II & Trig and instead taking Algebra II.  Which is a class that is still 2 fucking years ahead of her grade level. 

What the fuck is wrong with me?

Am I the only crazy like this?  Please tell me I'm not.

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Over at Circle of Moms, I've given my advice to new or soon-to-be moms, and evidently you can read my answer and vote for me [or just vote for me - trust me, I'm chock full of excellent advice on parenting, just reference above to my excellent parenting ability re: my daughter and math] so that I can be elected . . . Most Awesome in the Universe?  I'm not sure. Anyway, vote here. [I have no idea why the formatting sucks.  Sorry about that.]

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O.k., so not only was this post full of randomness, but evidently full of questions I need you to answer.  So here's one more:

If you had to make out with either Hall or Oates, which one would it be?  Be honest.

Freedom may be just another word, or it may actually be a parallelogram.

Freedom.  What does it mean? [I know, don't I sound JUST LIKE a 10th grade Social Studies paper?]

To my idiot neighbor, it means he's allowed to yell, "DAVE. . . . . . . DAVE . . . . . . . DAVE!" at the top of his lungs at 9:00pm on a coolish evening when everyone else's windows are open.

To my daughter, it means she's got 1.5 days left of school and she can almost taste that sweet, sweet nectar of not having to put up with the rules and regulations of the public school system for 12 WHOLE WEEKS.

For me, it means not having to screw my psyche into being someone I'm not. It means being me. 

To many others, to this country, it means a lot more. Juneteenth is coming up fast, and I love the whole story in a sad, amazing way.

And not only is that celebration of freedom coming up, so is another amazing one:

Do you know Unmitigated Me?

Why not?

She's awesome, and I'm not just saying that because I have actually met her in the real world outside my computer and maybe think she has pretty shiny hair.  She's also got a great job and is inviting the WORLD to see the ACTUAL, FOR REAL, NO LIE, Emancipation Proclamation.

The real one.

Perhaps you've heard of it?

Here's her post.  The Emancipation Proclamation is going to be at The Henry Ford Museum, which will be open around the clock from Monday, June 20, 2011, at 6:00pm until Wednesday, June 22, 2011 at 6:00am.  I'm totally going to go and check it out AND make the girl wake up at the butt crack of dawn DURING SUMMER VACATION to go see something educational.

Because how awesome would that be to see?  Not just the Emancipation Proclamation, but that look of OHMYGODWHYAMIAWAKE? on a teenager's face.

But mostly the Emancipation Proclamation.

Now, class, what does freedom mean to you?  A prize for the best answer [and by prize, I may or may not mean a random something or other lolling around in my house].  [But I probably do mean that.] [FREEDOM!]

I missed you so much it's like an ache in my heart. Or tooth. Or ear.

I missed you!

Evidently not enough to get online, but I did.

This was a pretty good weekend, even if I did have more than my share of moments where I sat in the car by myself going, "I really, really, REALLY fucking hate everyone."  I'm not exactly sure why, and I can't even blame PMS, but there it is.  Maybe this UNRELENTING STUPID HEAT.  Maybe.  From 60 to 90 in 3 days is not right.  Is there a complaint box? Because I have some stuff to say about this ridiculousness.  This is NOT how you run things.  It's just not.

We saw a family and friends and had fun and also lots of tasty food and snacks PLUS I got a ridiculous sunburn on one side of my neck and half my chest.  I look like a before and after ad for sunblock.

We also went to Greenfield Village, thanks to the good auspices of Unmitigated Me, and saw the Civil War Remembrance activities.

I'm sweating just remembering them.

At which point I realized that I have become an old lady because:

1.  I immediately had to go the bathroom.
2.  I wanted my sun hat.
3.  I struck up conversations with EVERYONE. The ladies in the Temperance camp, the woman sitting next to me at the fashion show [fancy! but HOT!], the young men at the Civil War pavilion.
4.  I made the husband wear a badge identifying him as a veteran.
5.  I routed our day so that we were near bathrooms AND buildings where we could go in and cool off.
6.  I made the husband go and get the car.

It was a lot of fun.  I highly recommend going.  And taking the husband, because he will get the car AND turn on the AC full blast.

We also took part in our annual Family Water Balloon Fight on Memorial Day.  My cousin filled over 600 water balloons and we went nuts.  Well, mostly everyone else went nuts while I took pictures with my sister's camera and tried to stay out of the line of fire, like a good war correspondent.

The younger kids are now old enough where they are wily and plan out their attacks.  The husband was bombed mercilessly.  I was hit by friendly fire RIGHT IN THE STOMACH while I was trying to take pictures.  That hurt A LOT.

Next year, I'm bringing a supersoaker.  Or a hose.

Week in Review - Sometimes You Feel Like a Nut

I've been very America-centric in this weekly round-up thus far, which I loathe in the news in general, so taking a cue from my foreign readers, I'm going global:

Stephen Harper and his Conservative Party won handily in Monday's election in Canada.  Evidently, the Liberal party imploded, leaving the New Democrat Party to surge into the opposition position for the first time.  And the Quebecoise just fell apart.  Duh.  Be separatist and hateful on your own time, buddies.  In more positive news, Elizabeth May was elected Canada's first ever Green Party MP.  Awesome!

Pope Uncle Fester beatified Pope John Paul II.  Fine and dandy, whatever, fastest path to sainthood.  My thing is, how is Mother Theresa not a saint yet? SHE CLEANED LEPERS.  Hands down, most saintly thing ever.

Investigators finally found both black boxes from Air France Flight 447 that crashed into the ocean en route from Rio de Janeiro to Paris two years ago.  The flight's systems evidently failed before it fell, in one piece, into the ocean.  Finding the boxes will help investigators figure out what, exactly, happened.  Horrible, but hopefully this will offer some closure.

In  Complete Opposite Land from the US, both geographically and in intent, Australia's budget is taking $200 million and creating a windfall for education and teachers, specifically for children with disabilities. Unlike America, where we are STILL CUTTING school budgets,

"This is an important new investment; $200 million is a lot of money,'' said the Prime Minister.
"And we are investing it in a tight Budget because we recognise that there is nothing more important for the nation's future than what happens in schools today.  And we want to make sure that every child in every school gets a great education.''

 Huh.  Wouldn't that be nice?

In Pakistan, Osama Bin Laden was killed by a US attack. I was surprised when the husband told me, mostly because I was asleep and he woke me up, and for the first few minutes I thought he was telling me that Saddam Hussein was dead [because like Dick Cheney & George Bush, I think they're the same], which duh, I knew, and then for some reason I was thinking about Arrested Development, and then I finally put it together.  And then I turned on the tv and was . . . weirded out to see all the college kids cheering in the streets. Did they think we won a National Championship? I found it unseemly.  Celebrate, but not like you're at Mardi Gras.

Remember Libya? And how stuff is going on there? Bloody, violent stuff?  Even Qaddafi's erstwhile regional compatriot the Prime Minister of Turkey has said that he needs to step down. Dude, JUST GO. This is not going to end well for you.  

And finally, evidently Obama kicked ass at the White House Correspondents Dinner [You Tube Link]. I didn't actually watch, but did follow along on Twitter, which is where I get most of my information.  Shut up, so do you.  Anyway, he took aim at Fox, Birthers, Trump, all manners of idiocy.  Refreshing.  Particularly the Kenyan Muslin birth video. 


What did I miss?