Tuesday, July 5, 2011

Helpful Household Hints - Or a cry for help, I'm not sure which.

Dear Reader,

Be sure to clean your humidifier after its last use instead of leaving it sitting on the floor of your bedroom, calcifying and growing aggressive fungus. 


So that you're not up at 1:00am on the 4th of July weekend scrubbing the water well in the bathroom next to where your in-laws are sleeping [because the kitchen sink is full of dishes], trying to get into the tiny crevices with a wash cloth covered in aloe hand soap stuck on the end of a rat-tail comb [why do you own this?], wondering, near tears, why there isn't some sort of long handled scrubby thing you could use to clean this fucking thing before it dawns on you that you actually DO have a long handled scrubby thing in the kitchen [thanks, IKEA!].

You get most of the crusties off before you realize you hear your father-in-law up and shuffling around, wanting to use the bathroom, and you decide, fuck this, I'm done, and you fill up the tank and head back to the bedroom, hoping for the best, and then nearly flooding the bedroom because you didn't tighten the seal on the bottom cap correctly.  You become so frustrated trying to carefully move the base and not spill a metric ass ton of water that you accidentally unplug the surge protector and have to move the bookshelf and watch as the tv sways and you wonder if it will crash, because sure, why not, but you catch a break and it doesn't.

So you dump out the water, go back to your room, set up the partially clean humidifier [at this point, so long as some moisture gets sucked into your sinuses and throat, you don't care how many microbes come with it], go to climb into bed an hour after you left it and then you realize that your nightgown [shut up, people wear nightgowns] is soaked. 

You may or may not shed a tired tear as you change.

And then you lay down on your sweet, sweet bed, with the monotonous hum of the humidifier lulling you to sleep, before you realize you're now awake, so you start documenting this delightful moment in time and hope that you aren't actually smelling aloe soap or mold spores or calcified particulants spewing from the humidifier until you realize you are finally too tired to care and you fall into a broken sleep, dreaming of being thirsty on an airplane tarmac.

Hope you enjoyed your holiday at least that much!




  1. How about having 2 extra people stay 3 nights and 4 days in your 1,200 square foot one bathroom house and not one of the other 3 adults changed a diaper the ENTIRE TIME. Pretty sure I broke speed records getting them back to the airport...

  2. When I get sinus infections, I want to marry my humidifer.

    I had a totally tight-arse friend who wouldn't fork out for a humidifier, but used his electric frying pan instead. I highly recommend an electric frying pan full of simmering water on the floor next to your bed. NOT DANGEROUS AT ALL.

    That same friend sticky taped empty envelopes to his ceiling to stop the light glaring in his eyes, instead of getting light shades. I kid you not. Totally serious. Made me look completely fucking sane.

    I need more bonkers friends, actually.

    Sarah xxx

  3. Metric ass ton? Is that more or less than a "shitload?"
    I played golf and drank beer this weekend.
    Beer was cheaper and much less frustrating.
    Especially since I lost a metric ass ton of golf balls.

  4. Wait....you're supposed to CLEAN them? Fuck.
    Hope you are feeling better, Suniverse.

  5. Breann - ugh, that is the worst. What is wrong with people?

    Sarah - Bonkers friends tread a very fine line. Yes, they make you look sane, but you have to put up with their crazy. Find that balance. XOXOXOXO

    Al - I think a metric ass ton is more than a shitload since it uses the word metric, which is one of those science-y words. Sorry about the golf-ball loss.

    Chicken's Consigliere - I've MISSED YOU. Thanks for the well-wishes. PS CLEAN CLEAN CLEAN.

  6. That. Is. Painful. Sometimes, when faced with a cleaning chore that could potentially be worse than a slow, painful death, I just ditch the thing and buy a new one. It's expensive, but it saves my sanity... Until the end of the month when I weep at my bank balance.

  7. See this is the exact kind of thing that would happen to me when my in-laws came to town. Yet another reason to not have them come visit.

  8. That sounds like how I enjoy a holiday! HOWEVER, what is this extravagent device called a HUMIDIFIER? There are no such luxurious items in this house. Here it's a towel and a large bowl, and I'd have to boil the f*cking water myself.

    Great. Now I'm angry at my family and I'm not even sick.
    Hope you're feeling better!

  9. Thanks a lot! I thought I had an exciting 4th, but my weekend pales in comparison to the awesomeness of yours. - Sarcasm Goddess (I don't know why blogger won't let me sign in as myself! Argh.)

  10. Sick in the summer sucks. More drugs!

  11. When you described your FIL wandering around, why did I suddenly hear the theme from Jaws in my head?

  12. oh my friend, I hate a summer cold, ugh.

    I will tell yoiu that we lost the Central AC in our house Monday into Tuesday evening due to a power issue and HOLY CRAP I literally thought I was going to die, how did we ever do it before central Air?????

    sending you FEEL better hugs! xo

  13. "Being thirsty on an airplane tarmac" may be my new definition of a nightmare.

    I hope you're feeling better soon . . . and I'm realizing that I need to do something about the wintertime humidifier in the kids' room...

  14. Usually when I move my bookshelves to reach the surge protector and the TV sways, Teva leaps into the scene, ensuring disaster.


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