Fuck you, I said I was sorry

It may surprise you, but I am not the most genial person when it comes to apologizing.

Well, that's not quite true.  I will apologize when I am in the wrong, and I will mean it, but this is something I have had to work on for years.

But apologizing is something that still galls me from time to time.  Particularly when I feel like I'm being forced into an apology for something that maybe wasn't quite right but for fuck's sake, LET IT GO already. 

I don't particularly like this aspect of my personality.  I wish I was more forgiving, both of myself and others, but I am pretty much like a Mafia Don when it comes to slights.  I will always remember and it's always personal.

This may not be the best way to deal with people.  Particularly those in your family.  And I wish that I would actually apologize without it becoming an ordeal.

Example:

The girl is mad at me for something I did.

This something was not directed at her - you know what? Here's the actual story:

I was coming off a super long week - lots of work, lots of tiredness, lots of stuff still to do.  The husband was working long hours, too, and I was shuttling her to her lesson.  We were running a few minutes late, which was my fault as I was thinking, "I can just finish folding these towels that have been sitting here for 4 days and then we'll go." So we were late.

And I pull into the parking lot and some dumbfuck family and their dumbfuck 8 or 9 year old kids are meandering all over the driving area of the parking lot, like sheep who have lost their sheepdog to keep them in line, and I say, "Get out of the way, you little cuntface."

Which pissed the girl off.

I mean, sure, not the nicest thing for me to say.  But in my defense, the little kid didn't hear me and she was in my way.

Whatever, you can judge me.

So the girl is pissed at me for being mean to a kid WHO DIDN'T EVEN HEAR IT and I'm pissed at her for: 1. Not folding the fucking towels and 2. Being pissed at me for something that pretty much didn't even happen [If a crazy lady calls a kid a cuntface in a parking lot, did the tree actually fall in the forest?] and 3. JUDGING ME AND FINDING ME LACKING.

I wasn't thrilled with our detente, so I apologized to the girl.

Except it wasn't really an apology, because I felt I like I was apologizing for not being perfect.  Which, contrary to popular opinion, I am not.  So it was one of those non-apology apologies that have become all the rage lately, where people don't actually apologize for what they've done, or maybe they do apologize but then turn it into a blame session where the person they are apologizing to becomes the bad guy [I am excellent at this.  Ask the husband.]. So then I had to apologize AGAIN, which I did after leaving the room and stewing for a while and realizing I was being a big fucking baby and sometimes it's just better to get along than to be right.  But not very often.  [I'm not certain how calling a kid a cuntface is being right, but there it is.]

I think I should start giving parenting and relationship advice.  Any questions?