Wednesday, August 3, 2011

So delicious, you'll keep it for yourself.

First, I want to thank LAJuice for her delightful guest post.  I love when my friends get together.

Second, I want to remind everyone that I've started my new job today and so spent last night in a minor frenzy of anxiety.  GAH.

Third, if it's Wednesday, it must be RECIPE TIME.  [I totally made that up.] [But it's still Recipe Time.]

Anyway . . . I was thinking about parties, because we're going to be having a couple for the girl and also my birthday is coming up [AUGUST 13th I LOVE PRESENTS] and I was also thinking about food, because of course, and then I thought about guacamole.

Mmmm . . . guacamole.  So tasty.  So delightful.  So fucking easy to make.

This has become the dish I bring whenever I am invited somewhere.  You'd think I'd get sick of making it or people would get sick of eating it, but it is one of those things where I'll be invited to a party and before I can even finish asking, "What can I bring?" I hear, "BRING THE GUACAMOLE."

So I bring the guacamole.

You can make as much or as little of this as you'd like.  For just us, I use one or two avocados [Maybe three.  Seriously, it's really good]; for parties, I'll use 8 or 9.

And the best thing is? IT IS SO EASY TO MAKE.  I mean, sure, people will be happy you've brought it and whatever, but a winning party recipe that takes about 15 minutes at the very outside to create?  YOU'RE WELCOME.
Don't you just love it when you get an avocado that actually looks this good? It's like you don't even want to waste it on a bunch of lamers who wouldn't recognize your goodness if it bit them in the ass.  And it might.
The Suniverse's Kick Ass Guacamole [That You Can Tell People Is Your Own Secret Recipe.  I'm O.k. With That.]

As noted, this recipe is highly adaptable - it can hang out at the poshest soiree or enjoy a hoedown in Hickville.  Wait.  What the hell?  It's highly adaptable because you can make as much or as little as you'd like.  I'd err on the side of making a ton.  You'll eat it.  Anyway, I tell you this because I'm not going to put measurements in the recipe.  You'll be fine, trust me. 

Avocados, nice and ripe [I usually get them at least 2 days before I'm going to make this recipe.  Did I tell you about that time I was going to make this for a party but forgot to actually purchase the avocados beforehand and then went to THREE DIFFERENT STORES a couple of hours before the party trying to find ripe ones? Yeah.  That was awesome.]
Red onion
Tomatoes [I use the tiny little grape ones because I find them the least acidic, but you use whatever you like.  I give my permission.]
Kosher salt


1.  Chop your onion.  I'd go about 1/8 - 1/4 of a medium red onion per avocado. 

2.  Mince your garlic.  A clove is plenty.  I know that there are people who just smoosh their garlic with the flat side of a large knife, but that is lazy and frankly looks like boogers.
Foreground: Correctly minced garlic.  Background: Diced red onion.  To the right: A SUPER SHARP KNIFE.  LOOK OUT.
3.  Cut your lemon in half and seed it.  Make those little "shitshitshitshitshit" noises when you realize you have a thousand little paper cuts all over your hands.

4.  Dice your tomatoes.  I sprinkle a little kosher salt on them, because that makes them taste good.  I use about 1/4 to 1/2 cup of diced tomatoes per avocado.  But be advised that I am making that amount up completely.  I'm not even sure what those sizes look like.  I also may have made up the amount of red onion to be used in the recipe.  Just go with it.

5.  Get your nice, ripe avocados and cut them in half.  Scoop out the delicious greeness with the edge of a spoon and yank out the pit.  I know you're supposed to be able to whack the pit with a knife and easily twist it out, but I advise against it for the following reasons:  1. I'm afraid I will get a little carried away with the whacking and end up knifing myself.  Or, more probably, the husband, because he can make me a little testy sometimes.  2.  It's just as easy to scoop it out with a spoon, or your fingers, plus, if you use your fingers, you get to lick the avocado off them.  I do not recommend licking the knife.

6.  Dice your avocado.

7.  Put your ingredients in a bowl.  I am lazy and also am not so thrilled with the mixing bowls I own [isn't that a weird thing to have an opinion about?], so I just use the bowl I'm going to serve the guacamole in.  If you're in a hurry, you don't even have to cut up your avocado.  Just put it in the bowl and smash it up.  Really get your aggression out.  It's fine!  You may be resentful that you actually have to make something to serve at a party YOU ARE NOT EVEN HAVING or that you have to share something so delicious with people you can only tolerate at best, and this is an amazing way to feel better about it.
Your cast of characters ingredients. Seriously, how ridiculously perfect is that avocado?
8.  Mix everything together.  I like a chunkier guacamole, but the husband and the girl like it more dip-style.  Depending on how benevolent I'm feeling, we'll see who wins.  Because it is a contest.

I was feeling quite generous toward the husband and the girl that day, so the guacamole is relatively smooth.
9.  Squeeze the lemon over the guacamole and season with salt and pepper and mix it up some more.  I like adding a little extra lemon juice because it gives the dip a really nice tang.  Not TANG, because I think only NASA still gets that.  A kind of tasty zing.  I'd start with 1/2 a lemon and work up from there.

Eat this with tortilla chips or on grilled chicken or just from the bowl.  It's really, really good.  Would I lie?

WARNING:  Make this once for a party and you will be making this FOREVER any time you have an event. 


  1. I like to put a little tomato in mine, too, but I always use lime instead of lemon. This is making me hungry for guac at 5:58 am.

  2. Can I just have you make it for me & stick it in the mail? Cool, thanks!

    Ok... fine. I'll make it. Jeez.

    About that birthday thing... I know what I'm going to send you! It's not guacamole. It might be a recipe, though.

  3. Can eat that with a spoon? Yum. Loved the Tang reference. Forgot about that shit.

  4. We use the exact same ingredients, except that I have no idea what kosher salt is. Is it really that different from goy salt?

    Also, I am a total garlic-booger-smoosher because I believe in the garlic press/alien arse probe conspiracy - don't you?

    And so, we must have been separated at birth: except that you are Jewish and I am a vegetarian, we are frickin identical.


    Sarah xxx

  5. My guacamole recipe is almost identical to your guacamole recipe, except I use lime.

  6. OMG I was just thinking of making guacamole!! Thank you for this!

  7. Yae!I hope your day is going wonderfully- and most importantly (for moi) on a first day of a Job, I obsess about what to wear- so dish! at least tell us what shoes you wore.

    And thanks again for letting me play in the Suniverse - your readers are really wonderful!

  8. I don't think I've ever chuckled so much throughout a recipe. Perfect guac.

  9. good god, that looks amazing. if the man ever gets back from wherever the hell he is with the car, i am going immediately to the grocery store and getting the ingredients. then i am eating the whole bowl by myself.

    don't judge me.

  10. I'm a Leo, too. My birthday is on the 10th.

  11. "Make those little "shitshitshitshitshit" noises when you realize you have a thousand little paper cuts all over your hands." - I have mentioned how much I love your recipes, right?

  12. Ah love it. I've never made guacamole, but I do love it. Sometimes I buy the pre-made stuff but it kind of just tastes like pretend food. And also a bit powdery. Does this recipe work if you shove all the ingredients in a blender? No, I'm not lazy, because then I have to *wash* the blender (and that's a pain in the arse).

  13. I'm gonna go buy avocados just so I can smoosh the crap outta them - yummy! Good luck with the new gig....

  14. Okay so this is going to sound weird but this post made me think about BOTH of my grandmothers.

    I know.

    Why? you may ask. Or not. But I'm telling you anyway.

    My Nana (born and raised in Mexico until she was in her forties) made THE MOST KICKASS guacamole (pronounced in her house like walk - a - MOE - lay) and this is as close to her secret recipe as I've ever seen...So. Very. Awesome.

    And then.

    My other grandmother has high blood pressure and can't drink coffee so when I was a kid she drank....(wait for it)

    Hot TANG.

    Yep. Orange powder mixed with water and heated in the microwave.

    You're so jealous, right?

    Guacamole and hot TANG.
    Good times with Grandma.

    Thanks. I'm smiling now. Big.

  15. A friend in college taught me that you can just add avocados to a jar of salsa, and like magic, it becomes amazing guacamole. She's one of the only people I keep in touch with from that time in my life ... for obvious reasons.


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