Tuesday, September 13, 2011

GUEST POST: An Open Letter to Almost Everybody at my Gym

As I've noted, Tuesdays are the day when my wonderful blogging friends use this space to let loose.  There are no rules, not even that one rule about not talking about Fight Club.
Do you know Jo and the Novelist? Why not? She makes everything better.  And makes the world go round.  And is so delightfully English.  And wants to come with me to Target. 
She writes about writing, and about explaining your book to people who are so polite as to ask.  She also discusses that NEED TO SMASH and the evils of TV and also has a whole section on her blog devoted to the Best of the Best Comments [which includes, ahem, me].  She makes me so happy all the live long day.
You also need to follow her on Twitter.  Because she's awesome.
But first, read this:
Firstly, I would like to thank Suniverse for allowing me to post my generally incoherent rants on her blog. Thanks, Suniverse. Secondly, I would like to thank all the assholes at my gym for providing me with the material for this blog post. Thanks, assholes.
So – there are many annoying people that I encounter regularly at my gym, each with their own self-absorbed, hugely irritating (and frankly bizarre) idiosyncrasies. I have taken the time to address each one of them personally.
Dear Naked Woman on the phone in the Ladies Changing room,
I am writing to you with regards to your nakedness and simultaneous use of your Blackberry mobile phone in the changing rooms at the gym. While you must understand, that I do not consider myself to be a prude – I am struggling to deal with your general nakedness on such a frequent basis.
What bothers me is that during your prolonged nakedness, you endeavour to use your Blackberry for an extensive period of time, whilst resting one foot on the changing room bench for the duration of the conversation.
All I ask is that you put some underwear on. And I request this only because so many times, I have been removing my flip-flops (which I always wear in public showering facilities to prevent from getting a verruca or similar) only to find myself face to face with the dark cavern of your lady parts.
Finally, if you could refrain from calling your friend to update them that you swam a whopping two lengths of the swimming pool until after you got your clothes on then I think that would be better for everyone. But predominantly, it would be better for me.
Ordinarily, I wouldn't complain so officially, but you seem to be at the gym swimming your two lengths of the swimming pool whenever I'm in the gym. I've tried going at different times of the day - sometimes I wait until late in the evening. But you are still there. Naked. And on the phone.
Kind regards,


Dear Man who is Clearly Unable to Swim Front Crawl but Insists on Doing it Anyway,
I am writing to you with regards to your distinct inability to swim in a manner that does not resemble a boxer trying to beat the contents of the swimming pool unconscious.
I'm no Olympic swimmer myself - but I'm pretty sure the front crawl is supposed to be a relatively smooth and speedy way to swim. Yet your interpretation seems to predominantly involve punching the water, kicking a lot and generally failing to get to the other side of the pool in a smooth or efficient manner.
As I said, I'm not some sort of professional swimmer (honestly I can only really do the breast-stroke. And the doggy paddle. But I’m not sure that last one counts) and you may have failed to notice me swim past you while we're in the pool together as you flail around with your angry limbs vigorously hitting out at the water all around you,  with no semblance of coordination - but your endless splashing is distracting and irritating.
Also, it fills me with an overwhelming desire to drown you.
Please invest in your own private pool. Or swimming lessons. One of those.

Kind regards,


Dear Guy with Excessively Small and Tight Swimming Trunks
I am writing with regards to your very small swimming trunks, which appear to be shrinking every time I see you.
Seriously, did you paint them on?
Please purchase some larger trunks.
Kind regards,


Dear Man on treadmill who gasps excessively
I am writing to you with regards to your disturbing yelps, gasps, victorious gestures and other weird stuff you do while you're running.
I am still unclear on your reasons for behaving in this largely strange and bizarre manner. Sometimes I panic and think you're yelling at me. Sometimes I worry that you're having a stroke and dying. Most of the time I think you are a mental and worry that at some unsuspecting moment during my work out, you will lunge forth onto my treadmill and attack me.

After some further consideration, I wonder if maybe you are celebrating some sort of achievement. In which case, allow me to point out that it's not a competition, buddy. There is no race to win here - you're on a fucking treadmill. You're a hamster in a wheel.
If you feel that you've done especially well in the gym today, then that's great. Good for you. But please keep it to your GOD DAMN SELF.
If you've achieved your target, that's great. But instead of punching the air like a madman, how's about you congratulate yourself inwardly, silently, and without any physical action?
Alternatively, if you're finding what you're doing too difficult, and that's why you're yelping like a wounded stray dog all the time, then how about LOWERING THE INTENSITY to something you’re more comfortable with and would prevent you from continuously whooping through a shower of your own perspiration.
Kind regards,


Dear Girl Who Has Clearly Exercised Way Too Much
Eat a sandwich.
Kind regards,



  1. Dear Suniverse,

    Why is Jo not CEO at our commune of funny? She is heeeelarious!!! As in, I-spit-cheerios-on-the-keyboard-from-her-funny kind of funny. You, Suniverse, will obvs be in charge of recruitment, because you know allll the funny dames.

    Kind regards,

  2. Oh my god oh my god oh my god.

    I LOVE her!


    The delicious kind of words I long to hear being whispered into my ear in a crowd.

    She is snarkalicious lovely.

    What a find, Sunny.

  3. Oh, good letters Jo!!! I want to say the one to the jabbering nudist is my favorite, but I also rolled around laughing about angry swimming man punching the pool contents unconscious. And tight pants man and excessive exerciser letters are short, sweet and lethal. Letter to noisy self-congratulatory buffoon reminds me of a lady in my yoga class years ago who made disturbingly animal-like sounds while we were doing the breathing part of the class. I wanted to throw my yoga mat at her.

  4. Very funny. And precisely why I never exercise.

  5. Wonderful! I think I know some of these people.

  6. Gym assholes are so entertaining! I love the full make-up gals. Full make-up and sweat. Nice.

  7. This is freakin' hilarious! The naked woman is also at my gym. She talks on the phone while WEIGHING herself (naked!) at the end of every work out. THEN she bow dries her hair NAKED... and barefoot in the public locker room. UGH! I cringe every time I see her. It's just awful!

    And THIS made me laugh! Brilliant!

  8. Hello Jo, you're hilarious!!! I loved this more than shoes and Law & Order and IF you knew me, you'd know that I just paid you a HUGE compliment. ;)

    naked women in the gym...UGH.

    great find Sunny...I miss you. Lots.

  9. I like Jo alot because she uses the word mental.

  10. Brilliant!!!

    My gym is overrun with tiny shorts men. I do beg your pardon sir...I don't mean to stare, but I can actually see a detailed outline of the sperm your junk is manufacturing.

  11. Do we go to the same gym? This is a case of it's funny because it's true -- and you are a very good writer!

  12. I love how she uses the word 'verruca' - terribly English. I hope her next post includes the words 'flannel', 'lorry', 'fortnight' or 'bollocks'. I go to a women-only gym, and generally I find people complaining about other people's nakedness in the changing room silly (it's a CHANGING ROOM, people, nakedness WILL OCCUR), I agree the talking on the phone while displaying her wares is excessive. And one woman at our gym sings along to the music in her headphones on the treadmill. Give me strength.

  13. Don't get me started with "Men in Shorts" from the 80's. Shouldn't that be a song?

    And, P.S. Lady, your lululemon tote makes you look like an idiot. You can get one for $20 bucks almost anywhere.

  14. Hee!

    That's really all I have: Hee!


  15. this was hilarious :) I absolutely loved it!!

  16. Isn't Jo brilliant?

    I LOVE HER!!

    I'm so glad you all love her, too!

  17. Of course I know and love Jo! And Jo and I have a love of breast-stroking in common. Although we *may* be talking about different things.

  18. My first thoughts for naked woman with her Blackberry - Do they have a vibrate setting?

    As for the poor man swimming front crawl, it puts me in mind of How to swim the perfect length

  19. Oh my GOD. When I got to the part about the guy gasping on the treadmill, I was gasping with laughter.


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  21. Did I delete my comment because it looked as though a 6-year old with no grammar skills had written it? why, yes i did!

    What I was *trying* to write is that Jo is one of my favorite writers on this here internet thingy.

    The letters are brilliant and I might use them at my gym facilities. Only, I need to add one to the lady who thinks everyone in the building needs to smell her nasty ass perfume.

  22. I wonder if the naked lady is at the gym, naked all the time. Maybe she never works out, she just likes being naked & having people see her.

    I live in a low rent neighborhood & we have tatooed scary dudes at the gym that look at you like a starving man looks at food. The gym has heavy metal blasting.

  23. No matter what gym, it's always the same, isn't it? As a fellow gym-goer (is that a word?) I'd like to add a post script message about the dude who constantly, ahem, adjusts himself while running on the treadmill. Tell him to invest in some more supportive underwear. And for god's sake, please remind him to wipe down the equipment afterward.
    Thank you.


Every time you comment, I get a lady boner.