Wednesday, October 19, 2011

TV is a liar

TV, that giver of life, that nurturer of souls, that yawning abyss.  It is at once a succubus and an angel.

It is also a big fat liar.

Here are a few of its more blatant lies:

A group of cool people do not live in the same cul de sac and get drunk and act mean to each other. [You are a liar, Cougartown.]  If they did, then why aren't they in my neighborhood? Even though I don't live in a cul de sac, I still have neighbors, and I would interact with them a lot more if they were bitchy and funny and enjoyed our version of the Algonquin Round Table. 

A group of hilarious people do not work at my doctor's office, healing me and occasionally singing great songs. [I'm looking at you, Scrubs, and Guy Love.]  While I do love my doctor, she is nowhere near as awesome as Elliot and JD and Turk, and none of the nurses are saucy Latinas like Carla.  AND WHERE IS JANITOR?  Nowhere.  Ketchup is for winners, Ted, and not even Ted is in my loserville physician's office, singing with his a cappella group.  It's just paper gowns and blood draws.  LAME.

Community college is not filled with a group of funny, snarky people. [Although this season's episodes of Community? Not even a little bit funny.  So art is imitating life, it would seem.]  I mean, regular college was fun . . . except I think that had more to do with alcohol consumption than people actually saying really funny things.  Although pretty much anything is funny after a certain number of beers.  Well, either funny or incredibly sad, depending on whether you were getting any later that night. 

Am I wrong? Doesn't TV owe me the respect of at the very least making sure my life is half as entertaining as its episodes?

Has TV lied to you? Tell me.  I need to know.


  1. Lies Television Tells:

    My kids will never have a problem that I can't solve within 35 minutes.

    If I take a pill (or drink a shake, or buy a piece of exercise equipment that costs more than my car did) - I will be instantly fit an beautiful and my life will be perfect.

    One job is enough to pay the bills...regardless of what the job is.

    I am a special little snowflake, unique in every possible way.

  2. Well, now you've opened a can of worms.

    A group of late 20 somethings in NYC cannot afford such cool dwellings, work as a waitress, law student or masseurs and spend their days complaining about love and finding 'the One' (ala FRIENDS and How I Met Your Mother)

    Astrophysicists are really funny and sexy and quirky and even the hot wanna be actress/waitress fall in love with them. I have not met one nerd that I found remotely attractive. (Thanks Big Bang Theory)

    I can't even begin to comment on 'Sex and the City'.

    Also, it seems that in every show, there's the main female protagonist whom is always ALWAYS fending off the romantic advances of many many suitors. Some of them are secretly in love with them. Others are more obvious. Regardless there's always conflict, sometimes physical, and the woman has to choose. WHATEVER.

    And those moments in which the male and female lead that originally hate one another have a screaming match that turns into the 'best sex ever'? Yea. I'm still waiting for that to happen to me. The only men screaming at me are the crazy wackadoos that haven't bathed and have been on the same acid trips since 1968.

    I'll stop now...I've totally co-opted your comments.

  3. Saved By The Bell - it is not possible on this planet that anyone as cool as Zack Morris would ever be friends with Screech. Period.

  4. I'll give you the first three episodes of Community this season as not being funny. But holy shit, Remedial Chaos Theory made up for that in spades.

  5. Gilligan's Island is probably the ONLY show that resembles real life.

  6. OHMYGOD I would so move to Cougartown with you.

    I love cul de sacs.

    And Algonquin Round Tables.

  7. Sunny.


    You crack my ass up.

    If you lived here, what fun.

    But, why is that?? Why is it that we don't live near any cool people that are like us?

    WHY IS THAT??????

    You didn't love the lasat community? It didn't crack you up when what's his name had his larynx talker b/c his was torn out during the fire at the apt party???

  8. It's true! I don't know how many times I've gone down to the local police station, explained that I'm a pretty famous internet writer and tried to help them solve crimes and they totally will not let me! What the hell?? If Castle can do it why can't I?

    I love you! Hilarious!!

  9. My street hasn't had multiple murders and cover ups (Desperate housewives). No one dead talks to me (Gifted Man).

    Yep - TV = LIARS!

  10. Oh, the love I feel for you. In all my years toiling in an office, not once has anyone even beginning to resemble Jim Halpert has worked with me. Although I've had a few Dwights, so my TV is only fibbing. (Plus, in my mind, I have Gloria's rack and I can fake a Serbian accent, so I'm 1/6th Modern Family. In my mind.)

  11. I just watched Galaxy Quest for the bazillionth time, and I now have the looks in the alien faces when they talk of Gilligan's Island etched in my mind.

  12. oh sweetie, TV isn't real, it lies!!

    ...and that's why I'd have sex with it if I could. I "Love the way it lies" while I am channeling Rhianna ;)

    you are awesome, and so it TV. ;)

  13. HA!

    Yes, there is no man on earth as good looking as Friday Night LIghts' Tim Riggins.

    LIARS. They must give him to me to rectify their ills.

  14. There is no mysterious island that can't be located on any map or radar that has a monster made out of black smoke and can be moved to a different place by turning a wheel, and then you go back in time.


  15. Two words: Brady Bunch. I've been screwed up ever since.

  16. Any show that says I'm going to hang out with my likeminded hot-enough-to-have-sex-with-but-I-wouldn't-because-I-love-my-husband neighbors. I'm pretty sure some of my neighbors have been on America's Most Wanted and the rest are just plain weird- as in lesbian soccerplayer married to Hobbit weird.

    Move to my enighborhood all right? We can swap clothes, drink, take pharmaceuticals and make fun of everyone else.


Every time you comment, I get a lady boner.