Monday, October 10, 2011

You. Stupid. Little. Twat.

As you may well know, I'm no fan of snot-nosed children.  In point of fact, I fucking hate kids who are impertinent and smartmouthed.

Do not confuse them with children who are precocious or inquisitive or just plain long-winded.  I find some of them charming and will tolerate the rest simply because I know that they are thinking and kind and interested in the world around them and the people they are talking to. Incessantly.

The kids I hate are the ones who are snotty and rude.  The ones who think it's just fine to be justthisside of nasty, like you're too stupid to notice their shit, or you won't call them out for their shitty behavior.

I have a niece who is such a child.

And tonight? I wanted to reach across the telephone and smack her.

This is what happened:

Me, calling my in-laws for the third time this day.  The phone rings, it's answered, but no one says anything.  This is the third time this has happened.  Both times before, the 8 year old niece answered the same way - just picking up the phone and sitting there.

I say, "Hello." I'm just annoyed and need to speak to my mother-in-law and am really fucking tired of dealing with this bullshit.

I get, "WHO IS THIS?" in a really snotty voice in response.

I say, "Who is this?" Because I have no idea which niece has answered.

"Suniverse?"

Now, I'm completely annoyed.  1. No greeting. 2. Snotty question. 3. No answer to a direct question.

"Yes, who is this?"

"It's Niece."

"Well, Niece, I need to speak to Grandma. Could you put her on please?"

"Grandma's not here. Well, she's here, but we're playing a game."

"O.k., well give the phone to Grandma.  And Niece? When you answer the phone, you should say Hello.  It's rude to just answer and not say anything."

"I did say hello."

"No, you didn't.  You said Who is this.  That's not Hello."

By this time, I'm wondering why I think my attempt to correct this child's behavior is going to do anything but drag this situation out even longer.  And then:

"Well, Suniverse [and by the way, this child doesn't call me Aunt Suniverse.  She calls random bullshit strangers Aunt WhateverFuck, but I'm just Suniverse. Which irks me.], here's Grandma, thanks for asking." In the snottiest fucking voice I have ever heard. 

And I didn't even know what to say, because I was so stunned.

I know what I said when I got off the phone with my mother-in-law.  I said many, many choice words about this shitty fucking attitude.

What the fuck? Seriously. What the fuck?  How do I even address this?  Because this shit? WILL NOT STAND.

22 comments:

  1. I can't stand snotty, I'll-mannered kids either. If they're relatives, I try to politely correct them. Would this charmer's parents help you out?

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  2. Don't ask me. There are only three children in the world I can tolerate and one of them is yours and I have never met her but I know she's awesome. Also I once told a lady in her 90s to fuck up and die, so you should never ever listen to my advice ever.

    Sarah xxx

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  3. This is why I do not talk on the phone to my nephews...OR their parents...or actually ANYONE in my hubby's awful family.

    This is also why some neighborhood kids don't want to come over to my house to play anymore. Their parents let them get away with this crap, but I do not take any shit in MY house.

    Cheers.

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  4. The Boy is heading in this direction as well. I correct, prompt, explain, command and even punish for being rude. It doesn't seem to sink-in to become second nature to him.

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  5. Manners are non negotiable here and i will correct anyone else kids too ;)

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  6. Haven't visited you in a while, so sorry...have been working a part time job, full time, and making no money while doing it. am close to q-u-i-t-t-i-n-g...

    This will be difficult for you to address, unless you do it sideways through your mother-in-law, but only if you think she will see your point of view.

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  7. I bitch-slapped telephone etiquette into the short people from BIRTH 'cuz that shit pisses me off big-time. I fucking hate kids too. I mean, I have kids, and 99% of the time I think mine are rad as shit, but other people's kids annoy the ever-lovin' crap out of me. Play dates? Birthday parties at Chuck E. Cheese? Chaperoning field trips? Oh, HELL to the motherfucking NO!

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  8. I hate kids like that! Those are the kids that grow up to be such assholes because they never got bitch slapped for their dickish behavior as a child.

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  9. I cannot stand it when someone answers their phone with a monotone "yeah." That someone is a 35-year-old unemployed comic book purveyor who is so important that he can barely set down the video game control, dust off the Cheetos crumbs, and get off his mother's couch in the basement bedroom to answer the phone at 1:30 p.m. on a Tuesday. That someone began as a snot-mouth kid.

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  10. First of all, you had me at Stupid. Little. Twat.
    Second? I also have a niece like this.
    Well, more like a twat in training. She's only 5 but whatabitch!

    I keep telling my brother to PUULLLEEAASSSEE just send her to stay with me for a week. That's all I need. ONE week. She will return to him a little lady.
    Fucking mark my words.

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  11. just think, she's gonna grow up and be someone's boss one day...

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  12. What a little bitch. I like kids, just not bratty little jerks like your niece. It amazes me what some parents let their kids get away with. Where is the discipline?

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  13. I hate rude kids. It's so difficult for me not to correct other people's children when I see them behaving like that. I have to hold my tongue though because I don't want to get into a fight with the parents.

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  14. Kids are rude because their parents are rude.

    I'm just sayin'

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  15. ooh, i have NO problem taking bratty children to school. ESPECIALLY if they're in my own bloodline.

    the best one i ever had to pull, though, was my cousin's hayseed ex-boyfriend. they were 17; i was 25. that boy DARED to make some joke that involved a racial slur as the punchline.

    me: um, no. we do not say that word.
    cousin: what do you mean? he's not bein' racist.
    hayseed: yeah. it's just the joke.
    me: son, my family does not countenance that talk. i don't care HOW you used that word. you will not speak that word on my family's property again.
    hayseed: but---
    me: son. do. not. test. this.

    that was fun.

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  16. you have to catch her parents' attention and say, like you're ALL in on the joke:

    "what's with the way NIECE answers the phone? Ohmygod, what's up with that??? If I'd answered the phone like that as a kid, I'd have gotten slapped! ha ha ha, right?"

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  17. I have a nephew who was like this.

    I told him so many times about please and thank you.

    He is now 17, still doesn't use them.

    Somewhere, he has learned, it doesn't matter.

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  18. I like Karensomethingorother's technique - do the bitch slap in front of everyone. And videotape it so you can vlog it.

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  19. Simply, EEEEEEEEEEK!

    Yeah, the kid needs an attitude adjustment. Or, by the time she's an adult, someone is going to tattoo "twatwaffle" on her forehead when she's asleep.

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  20. And that is why I simply text everyone now.

    Because I will not have this shit.

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  21. Obviously the child needs to be reprimanded...with a shock collar. I hate kids like that because really they just turn into really shitty adults that I want to run over with my car.

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  22. So, I'm guess crane kick to the face is out of the question? I have to ask: Under what circumstances would crane kick to the face be back on the table?

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Every time you comment, I get a lady boner.