Thursday, October 6, 2011

You're Wrong. I'm Right. Just Stop Talking.


The husband argues that we have two standards in our household.  I actually agree. There are things as they pertain to me, and then there is everyone else who can go fuck themselves.  [Right now, that everyone else is the husband and the cats.  Those asshole cats who cause endless problems.  One of whom, by the way, spent last night with a PIECE OF ACTUAL SHIT stuck to her butt that she tried to wipe off BY DRAGGING HER STUPID CAT ASS ACROSS THE BACK OF THE COUCH AND THEN ON TO THE END TABLE AND THEN INTO THE OFFICE AND THEN ON TO MY DESK.  There are not enough disinfecting wipes in the world to make me feel whole again.  Seriously.  I'm puking just thinking about it.  Whatever fucking cockbag said that having a pet makes you feel more relaxed and helps you live longer is either a douchey liar or someone who enjoys fecal matter.  In either case, no one I want to know.  Fucking asshole cat.  OH.  And to top it off, this cat is 12 years old and, like all crazy old people, has developed a ridiculous habit, so instead of just dealing with THE PIECE OF SHIT HANGING OFF HER ASS, where I had to wrap her in a towel to keep her from scratching and clawing at us while the husband got the pleasure of WIPING THIS CAT'S ASS, the husband also noticed, as she was hissing at him, that the stupid cat had a piece of tissue paper stuck to her tooth.  Because of course she eats tissue paper. I need to go lie down now.]

So, yes, we have two standards - actually, maybe three standards: One for me, one for the husband, one for the paper eating, shit hoarding cats.  These standards may make it seem like we'd be having all kinds of drama [besides the catshit related kind] but in fact, the husband and I tend to not disagree on much.

I mean, don't get me wrong, there have been many days where we've gone out separate ways in the morning, each cursing the other for being a complete fucking self-involved asshole moron.  And there are times when one or the other of us has to say, "Really? That's how you want this to end? You want us to get a divorce because I didn't fill up the ice cube tray?" But the hours pass, and emails are sent discussing the advisability of purchasing a deep fryer [Inadvisable, but so delicious. Maybe for Christmas.] and we move past the ugliness.

Also, we have very little in common, hobby-wise.  We both like to read, but not the same kind of stuff.  We both like to watch movies, but different genres.  He has no interest in discussing the idiocy of various friends and family and I have no interest in discussing the idiocy of trying to use a hurry-up offense when men are on first and third and the zamboni is clearing the ice. Or whatever.

There is, however, a bone of contention that gets tossed into the mix every so often.

It is this:  Making the bed.

I feel, very strongly, that the bed should be made every day.  The husband does not see the point, as it will just get messed up each night.  I find comfort in being able to walk into my bedroom and see a nice, clean bed, with the pillows fluffed and the blankets pulled taut.  He is blind to this joy.  If he does make the bed, he will sometimes make it about 15 minutes before I go to sleep, which, to me, misses the point.  It also allows spiders to crawl into my sheets.  I submit that the bed should be made no later than 30 minutes after you've gotten up [this is ample time for ablutions].  When I walk into the bedroom and the husband hasn't made the bed, I die a little inside [PS it's the husband's job, as I am generally on my way to work by the time he gets out of the bed. I am tempted, sometimes, to make it while he's still in it.].

So we fight about this.  Who is right? Me? Or Mr. Wrong?

Answer carefully.  The fate of the universe depends on it.


  1. You are ALWAYS right, babe. Always.

  2. I used to make my bed every day. Now I mostly lay in it all day. I used to make my bed every day when I was well. A point in your husband's favor is that I have read that not making the bed let the sheets air out and making it actually keeps the germs in.

    So, aesthetics or infection, the choice is yours.

  3. Too many references to fucking asshole cats may sway votes to your favor on this....just sayin. LOVE the cat commentary myself - shit hoarders. Ha! Anyways, I personally do not expend any energy to make my bed. I see no point. A rumpled bed seems pretty inviting to me. However, I read something recently that gave me pause. If you believe in foo foo energy stuff (technical term), then feng shiu (spelling??) types say that you should make your bed because a lot of energy is released from our bodies while we sleep and we need to shush it out and make it orderly and cover it up and make the bed or something in order to dispel any possible negative energy. Ok, now I sound like a total quack. Before I had heard that, I liked what my mom had to say about purposefully opening the covers up more when getting out of bed so that they could air out during the day. Don't think too much about the "airing out" or that too could gross you out.

  4. Not only do I not make my bed, but I let the cat wipe her ass on my exposed pillowcase.

    Just kidding. I don't even have a cat.

    Because I like to sit on my couch and eat off my tables.

    What I do have are dogs who would NEVER run around in the backyard and track their own shit back into the house on their shit-covered paws.


    And now I feel like I need a shower along the lines of Cher in Silkwood.


  5. The ice cube tray-divorce just made me laugh until my aching head went all shaky and now it hurts even more - SO FUCKING TRUE. I get up last, and I have to make the bed even before I pee, even if I have to pee really really badly. So yeah - as if there was any doubt.

  6. ok, this is somewhat creepy. My hubby refuses to fill the ice cube tray OR make the bed and I also have an obssesiion with it being made. Like you, he also gets up after I leave. I do a silent little happy dance when I come home from work when it's made, but that happens like once a week... IF I'M LUCKY

    so um, you're right... CLEARLY

  7. I don't make the bed. I used to sleep on top of the covers so that I wouldn't get in trouble for not making the bed. My mom & nana thought I was lazy. My papa thought I was a genius.

  8. you should make him sleep with the asshole cats.

  9. Bed-making. I don't usually do it. My husband can't stand this about me, and I can't stand that he doesn't put his dirty dishes into the dishwasher instead of leaving them on the counter.

    Your cat and my cat need to get together and discuss their poop issues.

  10. We shave our cat's ass.
    Because he's a freaking hair dog, and if we don't his but gets all shitty, and he drags it across the white carpet the moronic landlords installed.

    My husband and I agree to divorce an average of once a week.
    ... that was a lie ... more like, every other day.

    He makes the bed because I could care less. It's probably the one thing we don't disagree on.
    He also does the dishes, because I've come to the conclusion that should I ever touch another dirty dish again I'll likely catch a fatal case of turrets and everyone will have to die.

  11. HYSTERICAL! Couldn't stop laughing! You are obviously right!

  12. I want the bed made. I really do. I appreciate it looking pretty with the fancy pillows on TOP of it and not on the floor. And yet, I keep climbing into it for naps. Stupid lack of drive.

    Your take on your cat was so funny it made my whole week. My cats are f*cking idiots too, but I can't voice these feelings, because my cousin gets the horrors and feels compelled to remind me that the cats didn't CHOOSE me, I CHOSE THEM, and if I don't LOVE THEM, I should give them to SOMEONE WHO DOES.

    If only it were that easy.

    I like the cats, but they just need to stop pissing on clean laundry because that shit makes me homicidal.

  13. Darn you, Emily Cullen!! You had to bring up the germs! THAT is my husband's argument for not making the bed. We actually BOTH like it made but there's that 30 minute breather that's supposed to be so awesome and after 30 minutes we are both on to other things and the bed is a distant memory. Until bedtime. Which is when I usually 'arrange the sheets' since I am first to bed.

  14. Ha ha ha, this is too funny. Why don't you just put a piece of cat shit in it when it's unmade, and then tell your hunsband "this is why you need to make the bed". Make sure this is on his side of the bed, maybe on his pillow for added effect? Good Luck

  15. i adore the way the bed looks when it's made. it's so orderly and pretty.


    i am a nest-sleeper. i wad up all the blankets and dig myself a little burrow right down into the middle of it. i end up untucking everything and raining chaos all over the bed. so i have given up on my dream of a regularly made bed. it's too much work.

    the man? i don't think he notices either way.

  16. I just laughed like an ass in line at the grocery store because of you and your funny ways...

    Hubs is wrong and here's why: I used to be a non-bed-maker for the exact same reason. The the Serb started making it and I could feel the difference - it's like getting into a hotel bed. Which feels naughty. Tell him that and see how fast he's fluffing those pillows...

  17. First, the rant on the cats? The most "right" thing I've read, ever. Except we have more issues with dogs having shit that needs wiping. Our cat just pees in inappropriate places.

    As far as who is right or wrong . . . I've always sided with the one who has the bigger tits. In everything.

  18. I was not brought up w/a good sense of what is expected household-wise. It's why I struggle now w/day to day keepupage. Neither husband nor I make the bed. I'd like to, but. Eh. I'm just gonna get right back in it. Yes, I have been irritated by the amount of shit on the bed -- toys, books, other people's actual fucking SHOES THAT HAVE BEEN OUTFUCKINGSIDE -- and I've made it up. Only to pull back the covers and get in minutes later.

    I have absolutely no business submitting a choice for the winner of the bed making battle. Because I'm lazy. And barely pick my clothes up off the floor but don't understand why my kids think it's ok to throw their clothes on the floor.

    @John -- I have -32AAAA cups BUT they're still bigger than his. I WIN!

  19. My husband insists on eating cheap-ass fruit-flavored candy (like Laffy Taffy and Sour Baby gumballs) in bed. He stores them on the nightstand. Where my 1 year old retrieves them every morning during my shower, mumbling "candy, candy." I tell him a visitor would look at our room and think I am bedding a 12-year old boy. Make the bed? NEVER. It's like I'm his mother. Kill me.

    The shit-covered cat? Kill me again. You have my sympathies.

  20. Oh you are soooo right!! Very very right! It can air out for maybe 10 minutes but then it must be made. One solution is to sleep in different beds!! It might help your marriage too!

    I think we have very similar marriages. There are days when I think "This guy is such a pain in my ass and I think I might actually hate him." But then it passes.

    And I'm puking a little thinking about your cats. Ick.

  21. Wow, you sound a lot like me, except I'm male, live alone, and am not married and can choose NOT to have pets, which is a choice I happily make each day. But I once had a cat that I loved very much and when he got old I didn't mind picking the poop kernels from his butt. As far as the bed thing, I don't see the point in making it for myself. But if it's important to you I think he should do it.

  22. I totally divorced my husband over the ice cube trays! Or was it his internet girlfriend... Or his tendency to drag his shitty arse across the carpet... ok, I can't actually remember why but I can tell you that I am so much happier without him. I make my bed WHILE I AM GETTING OUT OF IT every morning.

    Amen and out

    Sarah xxx

  23. My first husband was persnickety about everything. He constantly rearranged everything --contents of cupboards, furniture, picture placement -- in the house because I didn't do it "right." Now I find myself in the persnickety role with my second husband and I can see how it's one stop short of Crazytown. I do love a nicely made bed, though.

  24. My bed is made every single day. I like the look of it too.

    I got rid of my cat. She was tracking crap all over the house. I agree. $---hoarders for sure. Can't say that I miss her all that much anymore.

  25. An ex and I used to have this fight. She wanted the bed made every day. But I was the one who woke up later, and went to bed later, and therefore never reaped the benefits of my efforts. We made a deal: If she stopped leaving her clothes on the bathroom floor, I'd make the bed.

    We eventually broke up. Now I make the bed often. To spite her, mostly.


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