Wednesday, November 2, 2011

And that's why baby monitors are for the devil

The husband and I love watching movies.  As I said, we generally have a difficult time trying to find a movie we both want to watch, but we've gotten pretty good at adapting and enjoying spending time together.  Because when you are old and tired, the best date nights are the ones that happen in your comfortable chair [with your back saving heating pad - which, by the way, I have somehow crumpled into something that should not probably be used anymore.  Where do people buy heating pads? Heating Pads R Us?] without the masses, with yummy popcorn and the ability to halt the movie when the need to pee strikes.  Why would I leave the house?

Halloween weekend we were recovering from getting flu shots [meaning I was attempting not to panic and failing miserably until I was completely distracted by the passage of time and carry out dinner and the distraction of running errands], so we decided to just spend the weekend watching movies.  Well, we both also worked, but we made a conscious decision to hunker down in our free time.  Besides doing laundry, etc.  Gah.  Evidently the days of truly doing nothing have passed me by.

We picked up Horrible Bosses at Best Buy [where we went after getting flu shots and hitting Costco - I may have been a bit flittery and panicky during those stops.  I will not lie.] and watched that Friday night.  It was pretty good, and had a lot of my favorites in it [I am still unable to resist Collin Farrel, despite all the warning signs] [although the combover was pushing my limits].

Saturday I went to the library and decided to pick up some movies.  I got Cloverfield and Nightmare on Elm Street.

Cloverfield was terrible.  It was actually worse than just sitting staring into space because of the bullshit handheld camera jitteriness.  That doesn't make the movie seem more real.  It just makes it seem like you are stupid and don't know how to use a camera.  Lots of postapocalyptic movies are shot with regular normal cameras and I don't feel like it's the camera work that makes it seem less viable that Will Smith is the only one alive in New York after zombie rabies hits.

Nightmare on Elm Street was worse.  I accidentally picked up the new version and it was so bad that not only did I not care about any of the kids died, I was actively rooting on Freddy Kreuger.  We stopped watching after about 30 minutes.

Then the husband checked Netflix streaming and we watched The Baby's Room.

And I ended up having nightmares.

The movie is a Spanish horror/suspense movie, so you can watch it and feel very erudite for watching a movie with subtitles, despite the fact that terror is a universal language.  If you like scary movies, I highly suggest you watch this.  It's unbelievably creepy, and all I can say is that I am thankful that the girl is grown and we have no use for baby monitors, particularly the video kind because oh my god, what the fuck would you want to have one of those for? That's just ASKING for trouble.

I went to bed kind of scared, but figured that a few minutes reading Nancy Drew's latest adventure [she's going skiing! And people are buying fake stock in a fake fur company!].  I actually kind of wanted the husband to join me, but not enough to really push the issue, because I probably would have hated him a little bit.  A lot.  I would have hated him a lot.

I woke up from a nightmare at about 1:30am, needing to pee.  The bedroom was dark, and while I knew, intellectually, that I wasn't trapped in one of those creepy asylum bed wards, I wasn't quite ready to actually leave the bed and make sure no one was chasing me.

I finally got up, because we don't have a waterproof mattress pad, and went to the bathroom.  Neither of the cats tried to join me, which made me wonder if they: 1. Knew that something fucked up was going to happen to me, or 2: They had already gone over to the dark side.

I hurried back to bed, leaving the hall light on because darkness is when the monsters get you. I also realized when I got back into my bedroom that the window was slightly open, which made me worry that some creepy mist-type creature had slithered in through the screen. 

I shut it, got back into bed, and thought that maybe the husband and I should watch musicals instead.


  1. I have checked under the bed every night since I've moved here, you know, for the serial killer. He will have red eyes and a sharp knife and yellow teeth and his hand will dart out and grab me by the ankle and nobody will hear me scream.


    Sarah xxx

  2. The Mister won't even let me watch scary movies anymore because he can't stand me keeping him awake with my terror.

  3. Aha, I've been looking for the perfect 'new parents night in' present to give to my pregnant sister along with the Tomy baby-monitor - I think I've just found it! Incidentally, I also just watched Cloverfield. I thought it was a shame the best character in it died after a rabid alien spider bite, but that was all.

    "Wait, YOU know superman? Are you aware of Garfield?"

  4. I'm such a weiner. I can NOT watch horror movies. And I WILL NOT either. The last scary movie I saw was "The Ring" and I nearly shit my pants when that hurdy gurdy girl clambered out of the tv set.


    Hilarious about the Nancy Drew, p.s.

  5. i couldn't sleep for a month after seeing nightmare on elm street - back in the 80s. i also couldn't get out of my car without scream-running after seeing the blair bitch project. i'm a certified pussy. no scary movies for me!

  6. This pretty much ensures that I will avoid all movies with Baby in the title so I don't accidentally watch this. I'm not good with scary ... at all.

    Horrible Bosses was actually pretty good. I love the scenes when all three of them are together. If you still lust after Colin in that role, you're really in lust.

  7. Of course a movie called "The Baby's Room" is terrifying. It's about having children, right? *shudder*

  8. Musicals are always a safe bet. I cannot watch scary movies ever.

  9. I love scary movies. I was immensely disappointed in Cloverfield also, and I didn't even know they'd remade Nightmare on Elm Street - why do they continually insist on fucking with the classics? I do have the unintelligent habit of watching scary movies when my husband is out of the country, because he doesn't really like them, and then realizing I have to hope like hell that one of the kids wants to sleep with me.

  10. When the first Blair Witch came out, I went to see it with a group of friends. What I didn't think about was getting home to our isolated house and walking from my car to my front door. That was approximately 75 terrorizing feet, that she could have slayed my in. When I got home, I saw that my husband was awesome enough to turn OFF the porch light, and there was no fucking way I was walking to the door in the damn dark. NO FUCKING WAY! So I did what any rational person would do in this situation. I left my headlights on, so that I would have enough light to see my murderer, before they murdered me, and on they stayed until my battery drained. I think I ended up having to buy a battery for my car within a week of this.
    Oh well, it was a small price to pay, to keep me from being attacked by a figment of my imagination.

    That shit happens ya know!

  11. The jittery camera work DOES just make you feel like you're watching a movie shot by a stupid person.

    And at least you got Nightmare on Elm Street at the library. I paid like $2 to rent that POS and I'm still resentful about it.

  12. I do NOT do scary movies...ever. Not ever. I believe them ALL. When I am afraid on an airplane (everytime I'm on one) I look at the flight attendants. If they are calm, I relax a little. If I am scared shitless, and I see husband over there sleeping? I do not calm down; I want to kick him in the shin til he wakes up and protects me from the closet monsters.

  13. Scariest one I've seen in a while: Wolf Creek. It's an Australian indie horror flick. Check it out!

    If you haven't seen Paranormal Activity, save yourself some nausea and skip it. Jerky camera the whole time and really disappointing anyway.

  14. I saw the Blair Witch Project at a friend's house one night, a few days after Christmas. You know. Because nothing says "yuletide" like a close-up of a snot-nosed girl crying in the woods.

    When we got home, the LIFE-SIZED doll that my aunt had gotten my daughter was propped up in the corner. In the dark.

    Forget having to pee. I'm pretty sure I shit my pants.

    Happy birthday, Jesus.

  15. And that right there is why I don't watch scary movies anymore. I'm a scardy cat. I would have had the house lit up like a bottle rocket if I had to go pee in the middle of the night after watching scary stuff.

  16. i hate horror movies. in fact i'm pretty sure i hate dramas too. and i definitely hate musicals, because really, who the hell truly breaks into song spontaneously?

    that leaves comedies, which i love. and i think i have decided that i might love jason bateman a little too, because i think he is kinda cute and would be oodles of fun to hang around with.

  17. Speaking of Spanish horror films have you seen the orphanage? very cool movie. I want to say more but I won't. email me if you ever watch it and we can discuss.

    also I really think we should make a list of movies that are worse than just staring off into space. (That made me laugh so hard)

  18. I love that you were so creeped out. It's been a heck of a long time since I was scared after a movie. Mainly because I don't watch scary movies. I literally can't handle them anymore. I'm such a wimp. I need light, laughter, and Hollywood cheese. Good god, what have I become.

  19. you know what I hate, Suniverse? When you wake up from a dream, only another bad dream ensues because you are really not awake but you think you are, so then you are telling yourself, wait, I'm awake now, why is this happening? But I love the flying dreams. So what I think is, more Bed Knobs and Broom Sticks (which sort of sounds like getting a flu shot, if you think about it) and less Exorcist. yeah.

  20. I love your blog and am giving you a Kreativ Blogger award....

  21. I am such a wimp. I have not been able to watch scary movies since I watched one (as an adult) about 8 years ago or so. I was at my best friend's house visiting and I freaked, literally had a panic attack, in her guest room in the basement and went and crawled into bed with her in the middle of the night! By morning, the bed held her, her husband, her two children, the dogs, and me.

  22. I can't watch horror movies. Honestly, I can't even watch Animal Planet because it makes me cry. I'm a wimp.
    Horrible Bosses = HILARIOUS!
    If you figure out why heating pads do that, let me know. I have 3 and that's happened to all of them!

  23. Not that great with horror movies either.
    But more so? The video monitors - I agree - what the fuck is that all about?! Over the top.

  24. I really want to watch that movie now. I LOVE movies that are supposed to be scary (I say supposed to be because I am rarely ever scared by them), which is weird because I was a total pussy about them when I was younger. Something happened to my brain after I had children. I guess it figured labor and delivery was liable to be the scariest things I would ever experience, so movie makers could bring it.

  25. I used to be meh about Colin Farrell, then I saw In Bruges, and OH MY GOD I LOVE HIM FOREVER.

  26. THIS: "Neither of the cats tried to join me, which made me wonder if they: 1. Knew that something fucked up was going to happen to me, or 2: They had already gone over to the dark side." Made me almost pee myself laughing! Fucking asshole cats.



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