Monday, October 31, 2011

When it won't stop whirring, sometimes you need to take out the battery.

This past weekend, as you may have deduced from my Twitter stream [are you following me on Twitter? Why the fuck not? Also, tell your friends. Especially that friend you're kind of pissed at because she put you in charge of the cotton candy at the kids' school Halloween party. Following my profanity-laden and uber-narcissistic tweets can be considered a war crime under the Geneva Convention. It's that good a punishment.], I got a flu shot and spent an inordinate amount of time [well, inordinate if you're not a ball of anxiety and hypochondria] fretting over myself. I made the husband go with me to get a shot this year, and I think he's wondering if he can get out of this marriage by claiming he was drunk when he asked me. I don't believe intoxication is a defense to marriage proposals, but I'll have to check. Also, I was drunk when I said yes, so it all evens out, right?

Anyway, after the shots, and my fretful deep breathing, we got into the car and the husband said, "Hey, let's go to Costco and Best Buy."


He was less than impressed by my logic, so we went to Costco, me with my window open on a 45 degree day, trying to get some fresh air in order to counteract the possible toxins seeping into my system, him shaking his head.  I debated sticking my head out the window like a dog in order to truly benefit from the fresh air, but I don't like dogs.

As we neared Costco, I quaveringly said to the husband, "Please take care of me if I pass out in Costco."

 At which point he said to me, "What the fuck do you think I'd do if you passed out in Costco? Walk away? Is that the kind of man you think I am?"

I half-laughed, and said, "No. You're right. Sorry."

And he replied, "Besides, they'd track me down and call me, saying, 'Mr. Husband, do you realize that you left your wife passed out near the Halloween candy displays?' and I'd say, "No, I don't know what you're talking about,' and they'd say, 'Sir, we have you on our store video cameras sauntering away as your wife slides down a mountain of mini-candy bars. Can you come back here, please?' and then I'd have to come back and take care of you anyway."

This is what I'm married to.


Also, are there any good design blogs that aren't shabby chic or [shudder] mid-century modern [Gah, the only thing that came out the 1950s was Fidel Castro. Wait. Dead or alive? Alive, right?  . . . Back from checking. He's alive AND according to Wikipedia, WE SHARE THE SAME BIRTHDAY. How did I not know this? Next year, Fidel and I are having a fucking crazy party. You're all invited. It's going to be sick.  We're registered at Pottery Barn.] or, worse yet, that super-minimalist modern look. Does anyone want to come over and help me finish start decorating my house?

This post has become even more ridiculous than my usual ones. I would apologize, but I think it works to give you a feeling of superiority.

As I have mentioned, I'm going to be doing NaNoWriMo this year. Because why not? I'm a glutton for punishment, you know? Why do you think I still try to buy shoes online when I KNOW that they won't work and then the box sits there, unopened, taunting me, letting me know that my dream of red Mary Janes is just. not. happening.  Thank god for free shipping, is all I have to say.

What now?

Anyway, since I'm doing NaNo, I'm dropping down to posting twice a week.  My anal retentive OCD mind wants it to be Tuesdays and Thursdays, because that would be spaced out nicely, but here it is MONDAY, which means I could either do Monday-Tuesday-Thursday this week, which is LOPSIDED AND WRONG, or I could do Monday-Wednesday this week and then go to Tuesday-Thursday next week, which is asymmetrical and has me reaching for my inhaler.  I'm not sure which will happen.  Let's have it be a surprise.


I can't do that either.

It's Monday-Wednesday this week, and then we move to Tuesday-Thursday.  Unless it's a leap year.  Then we're all fucked.


  1. Oh man. Mrs. Penwasser married the same dude.

  2. I'm excited already - your and Fidel's party is going to rock.

  3. Next year is leap year.

    Your husband is all kinds of crazy! Costco AND Best Buy? I hope you have some money left.

  4. Fidel Castro came OUT in the 1950's? Holy havana, I had no idea he was even gay. The SHIT YOU LEARN on the INTERWEBS!

  5. It's kismet that you post today mentions Costco a lot, because today I have put out several lame tweets about Sam's Club, which I now totally hate due to the fact they sold me moldy ass produce and I had to go back twice to return it (because I realized it on two separate days). They weren't nearly as apologetic as I felt they should have been, thus I am joining the closest Costco. Screw them.

    As for NaNoMoWriWhatever, I still haven't gotten the cool email that you forwarded me and am feeling highly suspect. Plus I am not sure what it is that I am EXACTLY supposed to be doing, since playing around on their website has NOT made things clearer for me. So tomorrow I will be officially starting more character sketches and beginning the initial stages of plot outlining, since I think if I started to randomly start writing my novel, I would accomplish nothing (because I am anal and need to plot out things I do, except things like lining the kitchen cabinets, that I just do and then my husband comes in and redoes, because I can't seem to measure straight). So I hope this counts for you, because I think we are supposed to be harassing each other the month of November. Oh, I wasn't actually going to put anything online at NaNoWriMowhaterver, because what if some asshole tries to steal my novel idea (and novel as in book, not as in new).

    Did I tell you that Jen Lancaster shops at the Costco I will be joining?? (check out my blog today sister...)

  6. Here's what we could bond over: neither of us can remember if Fidel is dead or alive. I thought it was just me. Glad you survived the flu shot.

  7. I totally thought you were black.

  8. i'm thinking i'm going to do nanowrimo again. i just did it in july. but why not do another version of torture? we can cry together. :)

  9. First of all there are worse places to die than sliding down a mountain of candy at Costco. The bakery dept would be better but still.

    Secondly, holy shitballs, you're going to give NaNo a try? If I didn't love you before I do now. I can't do anything more than string together lame ass comments so I'm wildly impressed.

    I guess this means Tuscany is off....

  10. I never get flu shots because my mom always tell me to get one, and I like to not listen to her whenever the opportunity arises. Also, because of the government conspiracies.

  11. You're white?????? No way! ;)

    I went lots of places The day I got my flu shot, I felt superior just by getting out and spreading the toxins around!!!

    Oh wait , what the F am I doing here, I need to be writing today.....and why aren't you my writing buddy yet? Jesus! Xoxox

  12. There are at least four of us married to the same man. HOW IS HE MANAGING THIS?

    I'm doing NaNo this year as well. What do you mean why am I commenting here? I clearly have not yet come up with the days of the week on which I will comment on blogs, let alone post on my own.

  13. hypochondria is exhausting, isn't it?
    Apparently my house is made of rock. Actually, it's just a big slab of rock with a bit of a hole under it, and that's where I've been living because I'm the only one in blog land who doesn't know what the f*ck NaNoWriMo or whatever it is means. The PMS in me finds this highly annoying. Now I must google...

  14. We are twins separated at birth. I know I say that to you a lot. But it's true.

    Before kid I never ever in a million fucking years would get a flu shot but now after kid (aka petri dish of never ending bacteria and viruses) I get one every year. And...every year I am pretty convinced I will die. And...every year I get sick from the damn shot! And... every year my husband tries to tell me to "Think how sick I would have been without the shot" And...every year I punch him the face. I think it's a tradition now.

  15. You had better invite me to your killer Castro birthday next year so I can bring you some mid century shite that you love so much.

    Sarah xxx

  16. I feel like Fidel is more of a Crate and Barrel kind of guy...

    But that's just me.

    I also think he'd ditch you in Costco, for some sweet Kirkland crap.

    So next time, take me shopping with you.

    Or we can stay home and discuss how Leap Year fucks everything up.

  17. Your post made me laugh-esp. at the end when your OCD self is trying to decide what days to post. I know exactly how you feel. Except that I've had to let a bit of that go and just be thankful that I post when I can.
    New follower via Alyssaland...

  18. I think I had a very similar conversation with my husband after I got a tetanus shot. AND IT WAS HIS FAULT I HAD TO GET ONE IN THE FIRST PLACE. Hello, who just leaves rusty nails lying around on the kitchen floor?! (One could say, "Renovators, Taylor. And you are renovating a house, so you should probably not walk around the kitchen barefoot." But those people would be wrong, because it's MY HOUSE and I'm allowed to walk around naked...I mean shoeless...if I want to.) And then after the shot I had to go back to work, but I was like, "I just had to go to the doctor, I should probably not work and go home and rest." and he was like, "Uh, no Taylor. They will not understand that." and I was like, "Working is evil."

    The end.

    Oh, also you are my favorite.


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