It's time to play everyone's favorite game - ANSWER MY QUESTIONS, GODDAMMIT.
Here we go:
1. If you had to choose between eating a pound of fat or drinking a pound of fat, what would you do?
2. Paper or plastic?
3. Is it a lie to color your hair? What about wearing a push-up padded bra? What if you are a man?
4. Is coleslaw supposed to be sweet or tangy? Show your work.
5. Is it wrong to not order your kid's school pictures, because what the fuck are you supposed to do with 18 minis anyway?
6. Is a haiku or a sonnet the most pure form of poetry? [Bonus points if you answer in a limerick.]
7. How many times is too many times to listen to Michael Buble's Christmas CD?
And finally,
8. What present did you get for me?
XO,
Suniverse
************
PS I'm over at Funny not Slutty today, baking cookies like I'm Hillary Clinton. Or Oprah. [Not that Oprah.]
1. Is the fat bacon-flavored? If so, I'd eat it. If not, I'd drink it. I mean, assuming that I HAD to do either. Personally, I'd pass.
ReplyDelete2. Plastic, PLEASE. I have cats. They use a litterbox. I NEED those plastic bags.
3. Not a lie, unless and until someone flat-out asks you and you lie about it. Then again, if someone flat-out asks you if you dye your hair, you may want to question why you're hanging out with them.
4. Coleslaw = tangy.
5. Only order the pics if you plan on using them for blackmail at a later date.
6. Sorry, I got nothin', poetry-wise.
7. One. Unless you're visiting your grandma, in which case you have no choice in the matter.
8. Want some cats?
1. guess I'd have to drink it. Gag. Good thing I've no gallbladder.
ReplyDelete2. PAPER. Recycle, yo. I'm thinking plates.
3. colouring hair is an embellishment. Padded is a LIE.
4. That's easy: blue cheese slaw all the way!
5. order 1 5x7. The end.
6. I have written some clever haiku
They have seemed somewhat lacking, tis true
But sonnets are always so wordy,
And in making a point--quite nerdy
So, 'seven-five-seven' will do!
7. I've only heard it at Zellers so far (y'all don't have zellers, do you?)
8. Presence of mind
1. Can it be in the form of real food, like cheese?
ReplyDelete2. Paper!
3. I always thought so until I looked at the back of my head in the mirror last night. Coloring is in my near future.
4. Sweet or tangy, it's gross.
5. Yes wrong. Do it for the kid.
6. I am the furthest possible from a poet.
7. Who is Michael Buble?
8. I could send you some of my son's minis.
1. If it's straight up lard, I'll eat that shit.
ReplyDelete2. My purse.
3. No. No. Never.
4. Colesaw is not supposed to be. Period.
5. Who buys pictures? Everything's digital.
6. There once was a haiku and it sucked
While the sonnet fought hard to be fucked
The haiku such a prude
Thought the sonnet was rude
So the sonnet said suck on deez nuts
7. Who? Exactly.
8. My friendship. It's like herpes - it never goes away...
xoxooxo
1. Eat the fat, especially if it’s bacon flavored. And, I could totally say, “I just spent an hour chewing the fat. And not metaphorically.”
ReplyDelete2. Cloth. Unless we are talking diapers. Which in my case would mean that my children have issues, which would ALSO mean they would be sent to live with relatives somewhere, because I used up all the “sympathy for health problems” cards and I don't like competition.
3. It is not a lie. Just like men can take us to places they can’t afford, in order to get in our pants.
4. Coleslaw=cabbage. Cabbage=farts. Farts=not sweet. Therefore, coleslaw should be tangy.
5. No. If your kids are horribly ugly, no one should be subjected to that. But if they are cute, and the photographer is NOT blind and/or stupid like the jackass my kids’ school hired, you can use the minis to do some sort of public art display. And, you won’t get caught, ‘cause it’s not your face.
6. There once was a sonnet from France
That was so vile, it hadn’t a chance
Against haiku
It was quite true
It measured up like some shit in your pants
7. Infinity.
8. The perfect answers to your ANSWER MY QUESTIONS, DAMMIT post. You’re welcome.
1. drink it. i'd tell myself it was stock.
ReplyDelete2. paper
3. no; no; no, but it's certainly more interesting.
4. sweet. i don't remember the exact recipe my mom used, but it's miracle whip, sugar and red-wine vinegar. and ONLY green cabbage.
5. daddy always refused to order the pictures. he said he could do better on his own. (he was right, too.)
6. a haiku is the
best poetry form there is
ain't no doubt 'bout it
7. 63.25
8. my undying blog-respect. nice, eh?
1. Um bacon
ReplyDelete2. Plastic otherwise I'd have to buy bags to put pet waste in.
3. I admit that I dye my hair & wear a push up bra.
4. KFC makes the best.
5. I order them but never know what to do with the minis. They say, " If I liked you btter, this would be bigger!"
7. Whatever makes you happy.
8. Smooches
1. I choose option C. rubbing it all over my body.
ReplyDelete2. Vagina. I'm sorry, what was the question?
3. This question makes me uncomfortable.
4. Before or after I throw it up?
5. No.
6. There once was a man from Nantucket who...did something with a bucket? Maybe he lugged it? Aw, fuck it.
7. When your ears start to bleed it's too many.
8. Vagina. Finally, I got one right.
1. If you had to choose between eating a pound of fat or drinking a pound of fat, what would you do?
ReplyDeleteEat it - I think I'd be able to get through it faster -- I actually kind of like the concept of eating a pound of butter. Does that count?
2. Paper or plastic?
I'm a freaking goddamn hippie who almost always brings his own reusable bag.
But, between those two, plastic - I got dog shit to clean up after.
3. Is it a lie to color your hair? What about wearing a push-up padded bra? What if you are a man?
Have you seen my #moobiewed avatars? I don't need no stinking push-up-padded-bra. I got the goods.
I've been told that my "going gray prematurely" is a dignified look. I'll choose to believe those liars.
4. Is coleslaw supposed to be sweet or tangy? Show your work.
Tangy, yes - but not sweet. My coleslaw is 2 heads of green cabbage, 1 head of purple, 4 medium carrots, 1 cup of mayo, 4 tablespoons of vinegar (usually cider, but balsamic makes for a pretty yummy alternative), a little bit of sugar, and a glob of cajun seasoning.
5. Is it wrong to not order your kid's school pictures, because what the fuck are you supposed to do with 18 minis anyway?
My kids are way way way too young - but I'm totally planning on stealing a backdrop and, on picture day, just taking the kids picture before school so that their hair isn't too screwed up.
6. Is a haiku or a sonnet the most pure form of poetry? [Bonus points if you answer in a limerick.]
There once was a lady named Sue
Who set out to know things true
She asked about a sonnet
And, well, they make me vomit
Like tequila does, after a few.
7. How many times is too many times to listen to Michael Buble's Christmas CD?
Who the fuck is Michael Buble?
8. What present did you get for me?
The limerick wasn't enough? I'll send you an autographed picture of my moobs.
1. If the fat were eggnog, I would drink TWO pounds of it.
ReplyDelete2. I like paper AND plastic. I'm not very good at this "save the earth" thing. Both are re-usable.
3. If a man is wearing a pushup padded bra, I see that as a lie. Coloring your hair is an enhancement. A pushup bra is for enhancement, too. But, I've always been good at rationalizing.
4. Coleslaw should be invisible to those of us who think that it is YUCK. Therefore, I have no opinion on whether it should be sweet or tangy. Either one sicks icky.
5. I never ordered the mini pictures because I didn't know enough people to send them to, and it seemed a little insulting in some cases to send them such a teeny picture. Luckily, we had the option in our picture packages to pick the sizes we wanted. And if the picture was awful, I didn't order any. (And if money was tight, I didn't order any either. Those durned things are EXPENSIVE)
6. The most pure form
of poetry
is what speaks to your heart
the sonnet, the haiku,
bathroom graffiti about fart,
if it makes you happy
or it makes you sappy
Regardless, it's all still
just art.
7. My present to you this year is my stalking of your blog. Because I'm a giver like that. You're welcome.
1. drink it (and it would be olive oil, and i would add romano cheese to it and chase it with a hunk of good italian bread).
ReplyDelete2. paper
3. no to all questions, although i believe men would say the second question of #3 (wtf suniverse? #3 was really like 900 questions embedded in one question. don't think i don't see through your trickery). where was i? oh yeah, i once heard a guy dj say that a push bra is false advertising and should not be allowed.
4. i don't care. i once got the stomach flu right after eating coleslaw and now i hate it because sweet or tangy, coming back up it tastes gross. (tmi?)
5. you should order the cheapest package available otherwise your kid will think she doesn't matter to you. it's a scam that the schools and photographers have designed in order to gain another extra $10 from parents. (and btw, when did toilet paper become part of the school supply list anyway?)
6. zzzzzzzzzz. who cares? next.
7. i am boycotting christmas music this year unless it is being sung by dean martin.
8. i got you these really cool calming bracelets made from hematite crystals. and then i put them on to see if they work and i discovered 2 things: 1)they don't seem to work because they made me hyper-er (see? i am so out of control i am using 'er' incorrectly and 2)even though they don't work, they are cute so i decided to keep them as a gift from you to me. so thanks.
1. drink. always drink!
ReplyDelete2. neither! bad bad bad!!
3. no no no
4. can't show my work- the Colonel has a TRO out on me.
5. I forgot what this one was
6. this too
7. well if being wrong is wrong, I dont want to be right- so long as we are replacing "michael bubble" with "Micheal Jackson and "the Jackson 5 Christmas Album"
8. you have to check my blog- I got you a present, its there.
1. I'd just slap it right on my ass. Right?
ReplyDelete2. Hmmm. Depends. Are we talking groceries or breasts?
3. Only if using Viagra is a lie, too.
4. I'd rather eat fat.
5. I always order them and they are always ugly.
6. The sonnets from Shakespeare (or Willy)
Are thought of by some as plain silly.
But I love his schtick
More than Shakespeare loved dick
And wearing those blouses so frilly.
7. After a few cups of eggnog who cares?
8. I got you 18 mini pictures of my two kids. Each.
1. Huuuuurgh. I guess I'd drink it, but in your house, because that stuff is coming back up.
ReplyDelete2. Paper.
3. Whatever makes you feel good is not a lie. Well, unless it's hardcore drugs or prostitution or something. But hair coloring? Pfft. That's nothing compared to prostitution.
4. Um, neither?
5. Yes. Obviously you're a bad mother.
6. Neither. There is only one true form of poetry, but I'm not telling you what it is.
7. Once.
8. A hug! Come here! I just want to pinch those cheeks!
I would decide to visit here when there's a damn test.
ReplyDelete1. I guess I'd eat it
2. Yes
3. A man wearing a padded push-up bra is a lie. But it's a lie nobody will believe...so I don't know if it counts or not.
4. Why do some many people hate coleslaw? I'd say it's better when it's a little on the tangy side.
5. I agree with Shalini on this one.
6. I agree with Sarcasm Goddess on this one.
7. Once.
8. I went in on Juice's gift to you. If she says I didn't, don't believe her.
1. drink
ReplyDelete2. paper
3. you do what you gotta do
4. coleslaw should be able to do all those things, be all to everyone, create world peace, and end world hunger
5. You are supposed to use those pictures to make 18 people feel like they have to carry your kid in their wallet and on the back of the picture you write how much you will pay them for babysitting.
6. Haiku. Simplicity works. Sonnets are for drunk and lonely people.
7. Listen on, girl.
8. I give you the present of my fabulous friendship.
Merry Christmas!
1. eat
ReplyDelete2. paper
3. no
4. tangy
5. no
6. no
7. once
8. this comment!
Merry Christmas. :)
1. If you had to choose between eating a pound of fat or drinking a pound of fat, what would you do? eating. I'm going to assume this fat comes in a fried dough with sprinkles on top.
ReplyDelete2. Paper or plastic? Both. Fuck the planet. Just kidding. Actually, I like to make bags out of the skin of my enemies and use those when grocery shopping.
3. Is it a lie to color your hair? What about wearing a push-up padded bra? What if you are a man?
What do you mean? My hair has always been this bright shade of red?
4. Is coleslaw supposed to be sweet or tangy? Show your work.
I don't eat cole slaw. Don't tell my family in Texas.
5. Is it wrong to not order your kid's school pictures, because what the fuck are you supposed to do with 18 minis anyway?
Oh god no.
6. Is a haiku or a sonnet the most pure form of poetry? [Bonus points if you answer in a limerick.]
There once was a guy from Nanntucket
who said the sonnet could suck it
He preferred the haiku
it's the most true
as way to say "oh fuck it"
7. How many times is too many times to listen to Michael Buble's Christmas CD?
Who?
8. What present did you get for me?
A midget stripper. He has to walk from NYC to your place since I'd only spring for the edible undies so by my calculations he'll be there Jan. 16. You can thank me later.
1. I would drink it.
ReplyDelete2. Paper.
3. I struggled with this recently when i colored my hair for the first time ever. It's a lie. But an OK one. Just like padded bras.
4. coleslaw is just feh.
5. It is very wrong.
6. a sonnet. so much so that a limerick would be sacrilege to me. and therefore i can't offer you one.
7. One.
And finally,
8. I got you the present of loving your blog so much it hurts. Which is really a present for me :D Which is the case, I find, with all good gifts.
1. Drink. With tequila. Makes it go down easier.
ReplyDelete2. Paper (with a determined method for remembering to take my own into the store b/c DC charges $.05/bag and I needs mah nickels)
3. I have lied all my life with the push-up padding that adorns my less-than-a-normal-teenager-sized lady bits.
4. Tangy and from KFC. You have to visit them to see the work.
5. You order the least expensive package, scan it, then create your own sizes.
6. Haikus are purer than sonnets
Men should never wear bonnets
They make them look dumb
They make me feel glum
Haikus kick ass over sonnets
7. MY EARS!
8. I ain't be gotten no monies
1. I've done both since the Xmas gorging began.
ReplyDelete2. That's like asking Betty or Veronica...both have their good points (I'm joking, of course. Plastic. And Veronica).
3. I'm wearing my gel bra to the hair salon today! But I don't have a penis, so it's ok.
4. I can only show you the barf that will spew forth if you make me eat either one.
5. Send me a mini so I can add it to my I Luv Suni collage of awesome.
6. Haikus are da bomb. i.e. Post-Xmas haiku: "Let's do the gingerbread house. Gimme more candy! I think I'm gonna barf now." Shakespeare can suck it!
7. Mr. Buble is a national treasure (and noted horn dog - fun fact!) and I will have to deliver a beat down to these people 'claiming' to not know him.
8. The collage will be delivered shortly.
MWAH!!!!! xoxoxoxoxoxo