So 2012 has decided to welcome me with open arms full of the plague.
I've come down with something wretched, but actually have a doctor's note to work from home all week, so that's awesome. As is the fact that I'm hopped up on inhalers to keep my lungs fresh and clean.
I had to go to the doctor and the pharmacy to get an antibiotic, which sucked, because 1. Those pharmacy fuckers took FOREVER to give me my pills and 2. They tried to give me the same antibiotic but from 2 different manufacturers, so the pills would look different.
I, looking mighty fine for someone who had been awake since 4:15am [when I woke up from having a dream which contained not only a bed, but also Woody Allen and Corbin Bernsen - let's just never speak of that again, shall we?], gasping for breath and wondering if I was actually dying or having an anxiety attack or freaked out about what had transpired in the dream [NOTHING. NOTHING HAD TRANSPIRED.], very calmly and politely told the pharmacy gal that I had crippling anxiety about taking medication, so she'd either need to send that off to another pharmacy where I could get all of the same kind of pill or fix it.
She, taking in my stained clothing, beady eyes and Bellatrix Lestrange hair, chose to fix it, which somehow didn't take NEARLY as long to count out my pills as it did the first time. Maybe she had a better grasp of the numbers?
And then I had to go to another drug store to get some Ricola, because the pharmacy at my doctor's office only carries Ludens, and if I want to eat a sugar cube, I'll just eat a goddamn sugar cube. That took longer than I thought it would, because there was some sort of sale going on and there were two different sizes of packaging and my addled mind couldn't quite figure out if it actually benefited me to buy the big bag or 2 of the small ones [FYI, at Walgreens, the big bag is a rip off].
Finally, I got home and started working, which also took longer than I thought it would, as not only is my brain completely addled, but in addition to not only having the plague, the following bullshit occurred in the space of 24 hours:
*** The girl went back to school and was immediately homesick and upset, which upset me, because skyping with your baby who is despondent is a monstrous piece of shit that is doubly awful when compounded with mouthbreathing because your sinuses are full of cement.
*** My mother is off to the homeland with her sisters because her mother is in the hospital and not doing well. This is . . . not fun for anyone.
*** Fucking Maytag's gas oven managed to last 2 years before the igniter busted and needs to be replaced for two hundred mother fucking dollars.
*** I have 2 freelance deadlines coming up. One tomorrow and one on Saturday. HOORAY.
*** I don't have any clean hand towels in the bathroom.
*** I haven't showered today and that always makes me feel like a homeless person.
*** My head hurts.
*** Goddamn Democrats keep emailing me for money. Hey, fuckers, if you actually shilled on my behalf, I would gladly give you some cash. Until then? Suck it.
*** I got my period.
Usually, I would look at all this and think, "Fuck all of it, I'm getting under a blanket and watching Scrubs until March," and despair about how my life is a misery and 2012 is going to blow, but not now, not this time.
This time? I'm looking at this as a positive.
All of this has happened and I didn't swear at anyone or think about running anyone over or cry or feel like nothing will ever get better.
I am better than this.
We all are.
Did you have a bullshit start to your new year? Let's pretend it's January 1st NEXT Sunday, o.k.?
**** I want to edit this to add that I can't explain to you all well enough how happy every comment/tweet/email you send me makes me. Seriously. When I'm ready to tear my hair out because I can't focus, I see that I have email and find a gem of a comment and it reminds me that I CAN do this, all of this, because you are all there with me, helping me just by being you.
And, because I can't end this on such a sweet note as that would make all of us uncomfortable, let's do a primal scream - ready? Ready!
MOTHERFUCKER.
XO,
Suniverse
Why is it that you make me laugh when you're at your utmost angry? Motherfucker indeed!
ReplyDeleteMy Hard Drive that hold 8 YEARS of files and photos died. So... there's that.
OH MY GOSH I COULD HAVE WRITTEN THIS. I"m getting sick, its that time of the month, and I have shit ton of deadlines coming up, and I'd rather be in bed watching scrubs. Honestly.
ReplyDeleteWell, personally I've spent the week watching old True Blood episodes... Oh well.
ReplyDeleteThe only coffee in my pantry is chocolate cherry which tastes like a liquid cough drop. That shit is gross, but that shit is caffeine. I am powerless to say no.
ReplyDeleteWon't put a damper on 2012 though b/c you have made me laugh. Suniverse > bad coffee
It sounds like a dinosaur just took a huge steaming dump all over your life. I am so sorry! Luckily dinosaur shit washes off eventually, and I'm hoping in a few days you'll be feeling better.
ReplyDeleteI started the new year with the feeling that something was stuck in my neck/throat, which brought on an ear infection. Turns out I have "silent reflux" and need to take Prilosec. Yeah, I don't get it either.
ReplyDeleteHope you feel better soon! :)
I had no sympathy for you, and was all "That's life, Sun.." and then you had to hit me with the "I got my period."
ReplyDeleteI am so very sorry, Suni. So very sorry.
I have suffered with every single one of those problems (even skyping with a despondent daughter), but never all at once. Holy Shit! Your year can only get better.
ReplyDeleteThe pharmacy has got to be the fourth circle of hell. Mine handed me a prescription with someone else's name on it and tried to tell me it was a TYPO. Right, 'cause a typo explains how the two names are COMPLETELY DIFFERENT.
ReplyDeletePlus, got behind a little old lady at 6:30 this am on the way to work who refused to drive faster than 15 mph in a 35 mph zone (in which everyone drives 50 mph). I couldn't even honk because I live in fear of giving someone's grandma a heart attack and setting off an apocalyptic chain reaction pileup that kills 20 people.
I agree, January first is next Sunday. Done and done.
Oh, Sunny! Death to the slowness of the pharmacy, I'll never understand it. And visiting TWO in one day? Forget about it. I would have already been under the blankets! Hang in there!
ReplyDelete2012 can only get better.*
ReplyDelete*except for that one bloody week every month when you want to curl up on the couch in the fetal position and watch Pretty in Pink repeatedly and cry that she doesn't choose Duckie.
someone wrote a post once and said that one of the perks of being a MOM is that we're IMMUNE from all the germs! HOORAY!
ReplyDeleteI CALL BULLSHIT.
I get EVERYTHING my kids bring home. I get THE FLU every year. The only reason I didn't get the nasty stomach bug they had back in November is because I bleached everything until my hands were RED AND RAW. Yeah, there was a standing pale of bleach and a rag on the go AT ALL TIMES. Germs. Fuck that noise.
I sympathise with you, woman. I so, so do, as I have had shit sinuses for, oh, about two months now. Now it's tapered off to some nightly post-nasal drip and waking up with a sore throat and feeling like a bag of garbage. Ugh. You have had a yucko start to the new year. I find the whole winter to be a festival of suck.
The first five...no, wait...the first three hundred days of the year don't count.
ReplyDeleteMay you feel progressively better each day for the REST of the year!
It is, I believe, an oath pharmacists and their lab rat technicians/CVS/Walgreens/Safeway/Giant ringer-uppers must take to be SLOW AS FUCKING MOLASSES GOING UPHILL. I too, have been cursed by the plague. Rather, The Consumption, as it's referred to in our home. Gots me some good drugs (probably because I stood in the doctor's office shuffling my feet alternating between my best Vinny Barbarino impersonation: Gimme drugs, gimme drugs and my dead-on Gator impersonation: I smoked the TV, mama!) with codeine (that I took too late last night and have felt all damn day at work today (yes, I came in, spewing my cloudy lunged TB-like germs because I have no damn leave). At the dumb lady who asked for help today: You want me to edit what? Bitch, don't you know I tooka the good shit last night?).
ReplyDeleteI hope the girl perks up soon, and safe travels to your mom and aunts.
I hope you feel better soon, too. I will not say what else can go wrong because the minute you do that you're driving along and your fucking grill flies off onto 395 in rush hour. I KNOW.
You can pretend like me, that it's January 1st EVERY Sunday. Thus you're (I'm) never a failure at my resolutions!
ReplyDeleteBeing sick sucks. I had a long drawn out sinus infection right before xmas. horrible. yuck. I feel for you.
ReplyDeleteI also feel for the Skype situation. That must be hard.
But yay for trying on a different perspective. I've been thinking about that a LOT lately. Like I was thinking today that the only difference between being inspired and being jealous is how you look at it. If you think the same cld happen for you, you're inspired. If you think the opposite, you're jealous. I'm trying to head toward inspired.
Yay, us!
Feel better.
You had me at "no clean hand towels."
ReplyDeleteGod bless you.
" if I want to eat a sugar cube, I'll just eat a goddamn sugar cube"
ReplyDeletefucking brilliant
xoxo
Wait, all of that happened, and not a single cuntface was uttered?
ReplyDeleteI'm, well, at a loss. Seriously.
I hope you're feeling better, and that the girl finds her footing, soon.
I'd offer you a hug, but, well, I ain't going anywhere near you :-p
My wife is in the middle of getting her ass kicked by the flu. I've been superddaddying it to get 3 kids to school and back, work and write.
ReplyDeleteHope you feel better.
Day 4: My vacuum cleaner died. They never die AFTER you've used them. No, they only die when you're a week or more overdue to use it. And my husband's family is doing their mandatory once every half decade visit today. Oh, and about those pharmacy workers? They make $8 an hour. Forever. My sister was a pharm tech for eight years. Her stories about the daily endless stream of dumbass customers and the work ethic behind the counter would trump your occasional miserable experience a few times a year. That you ever get any prescription filled correctly is basically a fucking miracle. Always re-count and check your pills, Alice!
ReplyDeletegeezus motherfucking christ. this is horrible. and I never heard of a pharmacy mixing manufacturers, although I did have a CVS pharmacist tell me (with a straight face, in front of 20 jewish old ladies who all murmured in response) that my allergy medicine Allegra-D is SUPPOSED to smell moldy.
ReplyDeleteFeel better soon!!!!
My sympathies on "the wretched sickness" of which I suffered on the week between Christmas and New Year. I'm better now except for the cough that leaves bits of my lungs all over the place. Oh, and I hate all cough drops. I just chew gum and drink NyQuil. Whatever.
ReplyDeleteMan you deserve a doctor's note for Woody Allen alone.
ReplyDeleteI woke up on New Year's Day with a cold, too. Silver lining? It was *still* better than motherfucking 2011. Even silverer lining? Being sick means I don't have to go to the gym.
ReplyDeleteAm I the only one who looks forward to being sick because it means I can skip the gym? Just me? Hmm.
I have never laughed so hard at someone's misery. Never.
ReplyDeletePlease consider that a compliment. You are damn funny and I don't want you to add me to your list.
Huh, getting my period always makes me feel better. That is my "get out of sex free" card for at least a week. Pretty sure, though, you have a doctors note for that.
ReplyDeleteSucks! Ugh, I tell you, deep winter is the worst for plagues and such. My boy got sick yesterday, so now I am just waiting for it to make it's rounds.
ReplyDeleteSo far 2012 looks a whole lot like 2011. Which sucks cause I told everyone that 2012 would be MY YEAR. I will join you on that primal scream.
ReplyDeleteFeel better.
Oh, sweet Sunny. I hope you're feeling better by now. And that you make me laugh like this for the rest of my life. Because I need you and your amazingness.
ReplyDeleteI'd like to know a little more about that dream, please.
ReplyDeleteOh my. I've been in the desert with my family celebrating my grandfather's 93rd birthday.
ReplyDeleteGood stuff, that.
Still. I read stuff like this and think Crap.
93 is a lot of years to deal with all this lifeshit. Right?
So I hope you're feeling better and that the girl is not despondent (that really is monstrous) and that you made your freelance writing deadlines and that your period's over (M.F'er) and that you got to watch at least a couple of episodes of Scrubs.
But if not.
Let me hopefully make you feel better by telling you this:
My sister once had a REALLY graphic, involved, head-over-feet sex dream about Kevin Spacey. And she said he was amazingly good. In her dream.
She made me promise never to speak of it to anyone.
So.
Feel better?
XO
Keep bitching. It's kind of making me all hot.
ReplyDeleteMay I suggest Downtown Abbey? It is what I've been doing to debrief myself from the holidays with my in-laws hence my absence from the web. It's that good!
ReplyDeleteLudens is a sugarcube! Too right!
Motherfucker!!
Oh, no. Please feel better. You are a magical unicorn and the world needs you healthy.
ReplyDeletePlease tell me that when you went for the Ricolas you sang it. Out loud. Like in the commercials:
ReplyDeleteRRiiii-Coooo-LAAAAAHHHHH!
[Feel better!]
XO
A.
You totally can do it. And I'm completely envious, 'cause I totally wish I looked like Bellatrix.
ReplyDeleteYes, you can do it. We all can, because unfortunately we have to. But I wish we could ignore January and February, and just lie in bed watching Scrubs til March. Because that would make me feel a lot better. And also kind of make me wish I was a Doctor - but that's only because I'm really easily influenced by things.
ReplyDeleteYou're awesome. Stay that way dammit!