Tuesday, January 3, 2012

Look out, bitches, this is my year

2012 better watch its back. I AM NOT FUCKING AROUND ANYMORE.

Because I am the worst at following through on things [remember when I was going to work on my novel? Or memoir? Or sew up the tear in my sweater? Can you guess how many of those things got finished in 2011? ZERO. NUMBER ZERO OF THEM GOT FINISHED.], and because I am trying to be kinder to myself [You know, just to see how that would work out. I can always go back to beating myself up later if I want. I'm really, really good at that.  That time in elementary school where I lost $5 of lunch money for the week? STILL KICKING MYSELF.], I've decided to figure out a better way to be better in 2012. Especially since it may be the end of our planet, if the Mayans and that creepy old doomsday Rapture guy are right [is that guy still alive?], and no one wants to go out a loser.

So here is how I'm going to be better/kinder to myself:

I'm going to write more for myself.  I love that I'm getting paying gigs for freelance writing - I just sometimes all the time miss writing something for me and for my goals [of being Queen of All Things] [and a writer with a Stephen King level of fame and fortune and a JD Salinger level of reclusiveness]. 

And I want to remind myself that just because someone else is attaining success does not mean that 1. I should hate them or 2. There is no success left for me.

Instead of getting pissed off when the scale starts creeping upward EVEN THOUGH I'VE NOT HAD ANY CARAMEL CORN IN TWO WHOLE DAYS, I'll just start laughing. Though the laughter may have a manic quality to it, I'm still counting it as laughter, which is not only the best medicine, like a nice buzzy diet pill, but also puts me in a better mood, like a nice buzzy diet pill.

Instead of getting angry at myself for not completing a project on a self-imposed deadline, I'll remind myself that I've actually gotten other stuff done and there are only so many hours in the day [there are fewer hours than that, even, once you factor in all the episodes of Psych I'll be watching back-to-back-to-back. What?!], and putting something off for another week is not the end of the world, and instead, may be more realistic.

I'll also work on being healthier.  Sure, I'd love to fit into my smoking hot mini-skirts and tank tops from yesteryear, but not only would they be highly inappropriate in my current workplace [which is not a brothel or a rap music video], but I also have moved on from wearing a black tank top and black skirt to define my style. O.k., we both know that is a lie and that would be my uniform except that people would start to notice and think I was trying to be Morticia Addams, so . . . what the fuck am I talking about? Oh, be healthier.  I want, for no reason whatsoever, to be able to run full-out down the street like I did when I was a kid and not end up with cardiac arrest.  [This would actually be a bonus if I were chased by an axe-wielding maniac, but that's not my primary reason.]  My cousin is going to run a half-marathon in April and is trying to convince me to . . . walk a 5K.  That's like 500 feet, right?  I can do that.  Ish.

What are your hopes and dreams for what may be our last year as Mayans?

26 comments:

  1. I wrote a kinder, gentler list for this year too! I posted mine yesterday. One of my goals is to see The Addams Family at the Kennedy Center this summer. Since you aspire to be Morticia Addams, maybe you should be my date!

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  2. Wait. NOT a brothel or a rap video?
    I'm disappointed in you, darling.
    Ahem.

    Yesteryear, in-fecking-deed.

    I leave you with a single word reminder: polyester.

    Love you!

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  3. I think Queen of All Things is a worthwhile goal. Don't give up!

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  4. I want to finish my book damnit.

    And learn how to do a headstand in yoga, even though I know no way in hell will that ever happen.

    And if I decide the Mayans are right, then pfffft, I'm not dusting anything else this year either.

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  5. I'm totally getting into that short skirt and tank top! Or. . . you know. . . their male equivalents.

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  6. Yeah, a 5k is just like 500 feet! Ish.
    I too am excellent at kicking myself for things that happened a long, long time ago. Here's to kindness in 2012.

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  7. That's the best title to a blog post I've read all day.

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  8. See, I'm taking the opposite stance. If we're all going to die next december, then fuck it. WHY BE HEALTHY? Drink up! Eat those French macaroons for breakfast, lunch and dinner. Fuck exercise. SIT more. Really enjoy life and don't do anything- not ONE THING- that is NOT enjoyable. If we're all going to be raptured, or victims of the apocalypse, isn't that what we should be doing in our final year? Let's go bankrupt and party.

    Although the whole, "being kind to yourself" thing? That, I like. Very much. Happy New Year!

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  9. Writing for yourself is so important. If you don't do it, you can get burned out on writing. Take some time and write to relax :) Happy New Year!

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  10. i'm going to relax and take it easy.

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  11. A 5k is to 500 feet as childbirth is to cramps. Though I totally think you should do it and will happily be your cheerleader.

    And since you're done with that caramel corn, you can send it me so I can continue on my path of self sabotage in 2012?

    Cheers!

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  12. Wonderful. Just wonderful! Funny you should mention the running thing. As women birthing people, didn't you find that running was just plain weird after the bones and joints had stre-e-e-e-e-tched out of place, and SUPPOSEDLY back into place? I had to work at being able to run again. Luckily, my daughter fell off sooo many things, it was like BOOT CAMP!

    My aspirations are to not be a 40 year old shit bag. I think I have 100 days. If the little counter on my blog says less than 100, I'll go quietly have an anxiety attack, and then carry on.

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  13. er...
    which is not to say I'm a shit bag normally, but I can't say that starting the day with chocolate this past week would do anyone any favours.

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  14. You really DO need to be kinder to your self. I co-sign your resolutions Missy. You rawk!

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  15. and yourself! (sorry. I cant explain my ineptitude in typing but I am definitely NOT eating popcorn and typing with one hand.)

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  16. I'm not so sure I am able to be kinder to myself, but I *know* that I can be kinder to my cats. So, there's that.

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  17. Wouldn't life be a lot easier if we did work in rap music videos? Dizamn. Oh well, here's to you running full-out in 2012. And continuing to write really funny stuff.

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  18. Trust me, being 'kinder' to yourself turns Not Getting Shit Done into an art form. Now being kinder to others is an interesting concept/challenge. If we're about to be catapulted into the next dimension it might pay to be a little kinder to our fellow travelers. Ya think?

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  19. There's nothing wrong with hating successful people.

    Is there?

    I guess it doesn't matter because you're successful and I love you. Without an Ish in sight.

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  20. I, for one, welcome the Suniverse overlord.

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  21. Manic laughter is the best kind.

    I'm pretty sure I've seen that sewn on a pillow.

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  22. I love the success part. There HAS to be some success left for us - I'm sure of it.

    Happy New Year, Suniverse! My goal is to survive a toddler and infant.

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  23. I've been trying to train for a 5K for months. Months. The turtles are passing me in a blur. Here's to an awesome 2012 for all of us.

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  24. The Year of the Suniverse.

    That really is all I want.

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  25. Wow. We are writing twins. I also aspire to becoming a writer with a Stephen King level of fame and fortune and a JD Salinger level of reclusiveness. Seriously, that's weird.

    Although not that weird, as we both love writing and dislike other people... so... it actually kind of makes sense.

    But still... pretty awesome.

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Every time you comment, I get a lady boner.