Tuesday, January 31, 2012

Oh, Canada!

The husband and I took a trip across the border - no, not to Taco Bell. Across an actual border between the US and Canada.  Times have certainly changed, in that when we used to cross the border, we only needed . . . nothing, really.  Now, we have to be sure to bring our passports, which, I think, is the reason that EVERY SINGLE TIME WE COME BACK TO THIS COUNTRY, the border guards search our car.

Why?

Because my passport photo makes me look like a member of the Gambino Crime Family.  And not like some widow or stripper or even a low level prostitute. No.  I look like a MALE member of the Gambino Crime Family.  And for some weird reason, that was the best photo we could get when we went to get our passports.  Seriously.  I have no idea the confluence of events that occurred when we went to take our photos at the post office, but the poor lady kept retaking my photos because for some reason a photo ghost/poltergeist/monster kept making me look . . . unstable . . . or as if I had no discernable eyes . . . or just weird.  So, instead, I look like some vaguely sweaty, oily, man's mug shot.  To the point where, you know how when you send in two photos with your passport application and then they send you back your passport and extra photo? THEY KEPT MY OTHER PHOTO.

Which I think they made copies of and distributed to every border crossing so that when I venture outside this country, on my way back in I am sure to be stopped and my trunk inspected [and NOT IN THE GOOD LL COOL J WAY], so that the husband and I are sitting in the car, listening to a strange man root around in the detritus of our lives ["Oh, that must be the bag of books I keep forgetting to donate to the library" and "Shit, is that the pile of reusable grocery bags? Why is he rooting around in there? So he can shame me about the onion skins that have been floating around in there for about 2 years?"] wondering if this is the time they are going to bust us for trying to bring back some cooked chicken that my relatives foisted on us.

It is exhausting being me.

18 comments:

  1. Hahhaha that stinks. You should start putting weird stuff in your trunk to confuse them. Like a bunch of cabbage patch doll heads.

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  2. Mustn't blame Canada for this foolishness. I don't have a passport or even an enhanced license, so I haven't been to Canada in something like 15 years.

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  3. I keep meaning to get the enhanced license.

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  4. The Gambino crime family. I'm pretty much laughing out loud right now, FYI.

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  5. Isn't it you guys who started up this whole passport at the border madness, or is it us together ;)

    Hilarious, hilarious. I HATE my passport picture. I just showed it to my sister and dad again recently and pointed out that not only is that MAN in the photo ugly, he also looks mean. Blech. Is my face actually shaped like a square now? A big, mean, angry, man square?

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  6. i think you need to post your passport photo.

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  7. See, and I would have bet it was because you were smuggling cheap IKEA furniture back over the border... Not that I told them you were doing that, or anything, I mean, sheesh- who would even BELIEVE that story- you have a brand new IKEA right there in Canton.

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  8. LL COOL J was all up in your trunk?! I am so jealous! Lucky bitch.

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  9. I'm just going to pretend I didn't read this because obviously you would never consider coming to Canada without visiting me. Unless you were in, like, Moose Jaw or similar...

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  10. My driver's liscence photo sounds like your passport pic. When I was younger I had the most beautiful driver's liscence pic ever made. Seriously. People made fun of me for how nice it was. Enter children. My current photo was taken after a long wait at the NYC DMV with a two year old. I look as exhausted and tense as I felt.

    sigh...

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  11. When I got my passport last year they wouldn't except my picture because my eyes where squinted. So I over-compensated in my second picture and look like a crazy person.

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  12. Gambino family? Does this mean you have a unibrow? A moustache? Possibly both? Thanks for the laugh!

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  13. p.s. I once saw the Oh Canada 360 degree film at Epcot, which is pretty much like watching it in 3D. Anyway, I was born with the equilibrium center in my eardrums (technically not medically verified, but rather my theory) and I was nauseous for 3 days after. That association is a big reason why I avoid driving to Canada.

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  14. damn it all to hell, i didn't proof the above comment...i was born WITHOUT the equilibrium center. way to murder my joke for you...

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  15. I had to deal with a very unruly border guard, crossing back from Montreal, because I made the mistake of smiling in my passport photo. Apparently, you're not supposed to smile, but I didn't read that anywhere, and the person who took my picture didn't know that . . . le'sigh.

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  16. So...you have no problem leaving The States, it's just that they don't want you coming back? No to worry - we'd be glad to keep you.

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    Replies
    1. You sound so pretty. You had me at "oily."

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Every time you comment, I get a lady boner.