Tuesday, February 21, 2012

In Case You Were Wondering . . .

Where the Hell I've Been, Part I

At 7:30 am a couple of Fridays ago, I ended up having surgery.

I only cried once, very briefly [for like 5 seconds], in the bathroom, holding onto an IV and telling myself in the mirror that it would all be o.k.  I almost feel bad for the nurse standing outside who probably overheard me, but then I figured I just gave him a hilarious story to tell his friends later, so I'll just call it even.

I had a hernia that needed to be taken care of. According to my doctor. According to me, it was just fine as it was, thanks, and I would continue to work around that bit of intestine sticking out through to my skin.  I named her Alice.

But I succumbed to "medical science" and went to the hospital for outpatient surgery.  The husband drove and as we went along, I kept reminding him that we didn’t have a will, but be sure that the girl got whatever she wanted and also be sure to understand that unsecured creditors and student loans were not to be paid back [FUCK YOU, CITIBANK AND SALLIE MAE!].  I also told him that if he was going to remarry, he should marry our friend who has two girls, because she and the husband get along well, and the girl likes her daughters.  He agreed to that pretty quickly.

We got to the hospital at 6:03am and I was immediately whisked away for urine samples and changing into awkward gowns and me constantly mentioning/wailing to every nurse / anesthesiologist / technician who entered my curtained cubicle that I was prone to anxiety and panic and was afraid of medication.  I’m sure I was quite charming.  I’m not sure why the anesthesiologist kept mentioning that he had something that would make me relax and forget everything that happened until I woke up. 

My doctor, a man of VERY few words, came in to check on me and poked and prodded Alice and said, “Fix this. And then everything is fine.” And started to leave. I asked about recovery time and resuming yoga and showering and all sorts of life things, to which he replied, “Everything fine. Rest today, start normal tomorrow.” Um. Do I look like a robot?

The surgery went fine.  My mom and dad came to sit with me and the husband for a bit and my sister showed up in time to take my post-op drug addled picture.  I went home awfully, awfully quickly in my opinion – I was back in my house by 11:30am.  After having had general anesthesia, I would have at least thought I rated a whole day of being taken care of by nurses.  I mean, my recovery nurse was efficient [and really, really pretty], and I wouldn't have minded being taken care of for at least 24 hours.  I'd even shut up about the anxiety and panic [note: that's probably a lie].

Also, I had a vicodin, and I was less than impressed.  I ended up with Tylenol 3 to "manage the pain", which I highly recommend. Mmmm . . . codeine.  I was so thrilled with my ability to take medication and NOT COMPLETELY FREAK OUT that I may try Xanax.  WOW, right?

The sexy nurse told me to keep the bandage on and that I should sleep today and start slowly getting into the swing of things tomorrow.  And that I could shower, and not worry about getting the incision and staple wet.  Staple? WTF? I chalked that up to the vicodin and anesthesia. Mmmm . . . anesthesia.

The husband helped me get dressed [I think this is why people partner up in life], and I made sure my Einstein hair was appropriately tamed before I sat down in the wheelchair to be wheeled to our car.  I almost asked if I could rent a wheelchair to zip around our tiny house, but then realized there isn't room to maneuver, and let that dream die.

Once home, I entered my convalescence period, which I will tell you about next time.

Coming up . . . Recovery at Home, or How I Managed to Get Up Off of That Low, Low Couch.


  1. I had a hernia operation a few years ago! Hernia Twins Unite! Form of a wayward intestine!

  2. I'm with you 100% on your rant against Sallie Mae. When my husband was a student, he got disbursements, and when he was late with a payment, the lateness would show up 7 times-once for each disbursement because they calculate each payment as going against 7 different disbursements that they list as separate loans. Those fuckers.

    As far as hot guys giving out things to make you relax, I'm a big fan. BIG.

    I used to not be a fan of drugs, but now I'm all, "mmmmmm....drugs.....". I figure it's my lot in life to have to face all the things I fear the most. If I have figured correctly, my son will become a Born Again Republican who lobbies for Big Business, and my daughter will continue to flaunt her love of pink. And will most likely date a macho hick that loves country music and Wranglers. :::sigh:::

    Recover well!

  3. Damn, I'm sorry to hear about that. But I am glad you are back to your witty self!

  4. "also be sure to understand that unsecured creditors and student loans were not to be paid back [FUCK YOU, CITIBANK AND SALLIE MAE!]"

    I love you so much for this. SOOO MUCH!!!! be well my friend, be well.

  5. I had hernia surgery years ago. It was a big freaking deal and I was laid up for a week. It hurt like a mutherfugger to move, I have a giant scar and I'm still numb around the area they cut. Hope you didn't split your incision open getting off that couch.

  6. Surgery sucks but, yea, the drugs are nice. I'm very proud of you...that you that you can now appreciate the beauty of Tylenol 3 :)

    Glad things went well!!!!

  7. I am glad you are ok, now. Can't wait to hear part deux!

  8. Oh no! You poor thing. I was just having a freak out attack about my own hernia, but I was downgraded from umbilical hernia to a mere abdominal hernia, so my organs won't come spilling out of me like sausages, and apparently I'm fine--just hideous.

    Hope you feel okay, and have next to no pain!

  9. Yeah, my dad put off the hernia surgery...until he ended up with a strangulated bowel. Glad you took care of it. Feel better soon.

  10. I'm so sorry to hear about your loss of Alice. She was a good, solid hernia. Alice is in our prayers...

    p.s. you are super brave and your tolerance to drugs reminds me of a youngish Judy Garland

  11. Only you could make surgery and pain amusing.
    The drugs! They are good!
    I remember telling my therapist about throwing the extras away and she looked shocked. I thought it was because of that tainting the water supply issue but no. She said, "No! You never throw those away! You never know when you'll NEED one in the middle of the night." This is my therapist, mind you.
    Looking forward to the follow up!

  12. You know what makes Tylenol 3 even better? A little glass of wine (I was about to insert a very inappropriate joke here, something like, notice I said a little glass of wine, not a Whitney glass of wine...but then I decided not to, because some people might get offended. However this is what happens when one thinks crack is whack, but drugs are hugs).

    Feel better. And forget the wine part. I would feel horrible if something happened to you because of my silly suggestion....

  13. I think I've finally found the inspiration for my first tattoo:


    (Across my forehead maybe?)

  14. Tylenol 3 is like manna from the heavens. And why are we not privy to that post-op picture. Clearly we need to work on your sister.

  15. I'm glad you got through your surgery ok. Surgery sucks.

  16. Having Alice removed is way more traumatic than getting used to contact lenses. And frankly, the mere idea of a hernia is enough to make me collapse in a squeemish heap. Point is: you're the super hero.

    Enjoy the drugs while you got em!

  17. Oh, Lawdy! I did not know you'd been under the knife! I hope you're feeling better.

    But guess what? I had a hernia, too! Now we're kind of like twins. Hernia twins. I don't understand why there is even such a thing as day surgery. Ridiculous that they're allowed to open up your body, move things around and then send you home in an hour. Day surgery should only be for procedures like waxing body parts.

    I did not have day surgery because I am lucky enough to have had a blood clot in my lifetime. All this means is they had to observe me for 48 hours and I got to wear these AMAZING things on my legs that constantly massaged them. And if that wasn't enough, I had morphine. It was like being in a spa! Sometimes, it makes me wish for another hernia.

  18. Holy shiz Suni.... get well soon. And keep some of that T3 for rough days, just sayin'.

  19. oh dear God,anyting to make me read this blog huh?? Well I love you.and I'm glad you are ok. xoxo

  20. I had hernia surgery about 4 years ago and SO happy to see that ugly bump gone.

    Not a lovely lady lump, as Fergie sang about.


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