Thursday, March 29, 2012

Cutting off my carry out to spite my salad

I don't ask for much.

Stop laughing, fuckers.

I know, I do ask for much. A lot. All of it.  BUT! In my defense, I ask a lot of myself, as well, so it's not like I'm making other people do all the heavy lifting [unless there is actual heavy lifting, at which point, it's all you, thanks!].

Anyway, I just expect people to go through their lives and do things the right way. That way EVERYONE'S [meaning MY] life will go more smoothly.

Now, yesterday, I had to take the girl to the doctor because of her allergies, which stupid Nature is a fucking twat about - there is no need for all that pollen, Nature.  FEDEX DELIVERS. THEY CAN BOX THAT SHIT UP AND SEND IT DIRECTLY WHERE IT NEEDS TO BE.


Oh. So, of course, we have a 1/2 hour wait to see her doctor - who I love, but I'm getting less thrilled with the 1/2 hour wait bullshit, and then she deals with the girl's allergies and all and sundry other little things, like, oh, yeah, the girl twisted her ankle at school [OF COURSE SHE DID] and it still hurts sometimes, so we needed to get an x-ray, and since I was in the building, I needed to get some blood work done [where I get periodically tested to make sure my blood is still made of unicorns], and pick up prescriptions, so all in all, it was a 2.5 hour extravaganza of "I can't believe we're still here."

We finally left, and I dropped the girl off at my parents and headed home to WORK, and thought, "You know, I should pick up a salad from my favorite place, so I can just get right to work." I called and placed an order and . . .

They fucked it up.

I get it.  Working in food service is zero fun.  I've done my time.

I also get that when people place a carryout order and you say, "It'll be ready in 15 minutes" and they show up and you haven't even sent the order back? YOU ARE A DOING A SHITTY JOB.

It was one fucked up thing after another - including the fact that my order, I could see, was at the bottom of all the other orders that came in after, and nobody fixed this, so I wasted THIRTY MINUTES of my life to get a WRONG ORDER during which time I asked for my money back, and they tried to give me, "Oh, we'll take $2.50 off and make it $10 even, which is 25% off" WHICH IT IS NOT, AND NOW YOUR SHITTY MATH SKILLS HAVE MADE THIS SITUATION EVEN MORE RAGE INDUCING.

I politely requested AGAIN and finally got my money back and left, tired, headachey, starving and having to make my lunch because OH YEAH, I was too upset to pick up anything else.

That fucking zen book I'm reading isn't helping as quickly as I'd like.


In the spirit of asking - I need some more questions for my Ask the Suniverse column at Funny not Slutty.  Come on. You know you need my advice.  Don't make me beg. More.


Also, is anyone going to the Erma Bombeck Writer's Workshop? I AM. I hope you are, too. I'll need someone to help me order lunch.


PS Lori - the girl goes to an all girls' boarding school.  The boy goes to a coed one.  We're crazy, but not that crazy.


  1. This is my favorite line: "That fucking zen book I'm reading isn't helping as quickly as I'd like."


    Hope you have a better day today. And faster & more accurate service.

  2. I hope you feel better today.

    I was totally going to ask you about why I still harbor so much hatred for my ex & how to stop driving through town imagining running him over with my car, but I see someone has already beaten me to the punch, so to speak (or beaten me to the kneecap shot - Hi, Sarah!).

    Instead, I'll ask why I still talk to this same ex as though we're friends when he deigns to contact me, which exacerbates the murderous feelings I have for him on days he doesn't feel I'm important enough to talk to (aka pretending we're still a couple). Am I stupid or something? Signed, Jenny Gump

  3. Blech. Incorrect food orders will put anyone over the edge.

  4. sounds like you had a marvelous day. more of those, please.

  5. But at least you had time to "Draw Something" with me!

  6. I would've gone bat shit crazy on the poor kid behind the counter. The "caffeine therapy" I'm doing for my Fibromyalgia is making me super agitated and annoyed with the world. I made a volunteer at a national kids consignment event cry, and almost got a waitress fired yesterday. I'm a walking asshole. So my point? Yeah, don't have one.

  7. I think this is what Michael Pollan was talking about with the dangers of takeout. Right?

  8. I once had to wait an hour for freaking Chinese takeout. It was obvious that they were swamped when I went to pick things up, but people still continued to call in, and every time, the guy said 15-20 minutes, when it was obvious he meant 50-60 minutes.

    I lost it in the store -- I hate having my time wasted (despite the fact that I live a 5 minute walk from the Chinese place and could have just gone home, had a beer, and then walked back). It turns out the guy just didn't know the english for "more than 20." It's always "5-10" or "10-15" or "15-20."

    Then I felt like a schmuck - but that's pretty standard for me.

  9. I'm not kidding, this EXACT same thing happened to me. Only I was actually sitting in the restaurant. And the waitress got the order wrong FOUR times. ("Sorry, but I ordered a Caesar salad not a Greek salad. ...No, not a Chef salad, a Caesar salad. ...Nope, wasn't a Cobb salad, either. ...A sandwich? Really?")

    But otherwise, exactly the same.

  10. Zen is highly over rated. I tried it for about 3 hours.
    You'll have to let us know how the Erma Bombeck Writer's Workshop went!

  11. Was on va-cay....just catching up.

    This is what happens when you try to order something HEALTHY like salad. Next time, just go for the burger.

    (Speaking of burger, I must have eaten 5 this past week, and yes, my pants feel tight. Which is maybe why you were trying to order the salad).

  12. I'll be at the Writer's Workshop if I can somehow drag my sorry ass all the way to Dayton. Maybe I'll meet you there! We can order salad together. I will also need help with this.

  13. I hate doctors. They almost never fix things. I went to a doctor a few weeks ago and it was also a 2.5-hour ordeal. I had to wait in radiology for more than an hour, because it was x-ray-your-hand day. Or something.

  14. For some stupid ass internet twat reason, I have stopped getting your emails. I thought you had died, but just saw your response to a Julie Gardner post and then figured you were alive. I came to subscribe to your emails and the internet told me I AM subscribed! So, where in the hell are they going?

    Wasn't that a good story?

    I have also been taking my young to the DR for allergies. Unlike you, I am not happy with my DR's office at all, so it makes the wait absolutely hideous. I found a way around it though, today my 18 month old horked up her breakfast in the waiting room and wouldn't you know? They got us right in! Amazing.

    The twat-tastic nurse told me the baby needed her 18 month vaccines so they may do them during the visit, and I said I do not want her to get vaccines while she has a fever so we will come back for those. The nurse explained "We will wait and see what the DR says." When I see my baby come out of his vagina, he can call the shots, but until that happens I decide when she gets her vaccines.

    Wow, this turned out to be a great venting opportunity for me! Thanks!

  15. There are many things in life I can weather. But what can totally bring me to my knees crying is when I'm having a shitty day already and then my much-anticipated order at someplace I've decided to treat myself to (even if it's healthy) gets fucked up.



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