Growing up, it was never enough to be good at something, I had to be the best. Part of it was me, part of it was family, all of it resulted in making me feel as if I were never quite good enough, as if my accomplishments mean nothing.
This has been rolling through my head lately in that I'm trying to rework my thinking. I know, intellectually, that I am enough, but emotionally, it's just not true. There is always someone smarter, better, prettier just ahead of me.
It's also been rolling around in my head in that I'm trying to figure out what it means to just be me. If I'm not the funniest person on the internet, or the one with the most followers, or the best worker-bee, or the most dedicated employee, where does that leave me?
What if I'm not a superlative? Does that mean I'm not worthy? I know, if I were talking to a friend or, in particular, my daughter, I would tell her that just being her is enough. That there is no race, no contest. That just being her [or him, for my guy friends] is what makes her [him] superlative. And that's all good and well for everyone else, but what about someone whose entire world view is that there is the superlative and then there is the abyss? That the only thing I would have to offer anyone, anywhere is my resume of superlatives?
Which is lacking, anyway, because there is always someone ahead of me in everything. That's just how the world works. I'm smart enough to know that there are smarter people, I'm self-aware enough to know that I'm not the center of the universe. YET.
So how do I live a superlative free life? I'm reading my zen books and talking to lovely people but I feel like disparagement and self-loathing are just waiting for those quiet moments to suddenly pounce. What is good enough? And how do I get there?