Cranky Old Lady Pants Time: Things that have been bugging me, but do not fill me with enough rage to warrant their own individual posts. Without further ado, enjoy:
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Not capitalizing letters in your writing doesn't make you quaint or avant garde or ee cummings. It makes you disrespectful to language and marks you as lazy. Stop it.
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I ended up in a Jimmy Kimmel / Eminem / Craig Ferguson YouTube wormhole, which is weird because I am seldom on YouTube [I just don't have the energy to watch something that's not scripted] and I've never watched either Jimmy Kimmel or Craig Ferguson on t.v. because I am asleep, although I am going to have to sex Craig Ferguson for his voice. I also think I may have read his autobiography. Anyway, Slim Shady and I need to spend some serious time together. He's single, right? I know I'm *technically* married to the husband, but come on.
Anyway, after listening to Eminem, I made an Eminem Pandora station and you know what? IT SUCKED. I'm not a big JayZ fan - I only like 2 of his song, and one of them mostly because of Alicia Keyes - but my JayZ Pandora station has way better songs. What the fuck, Pandora? I know you're not a mindreader, but this is bullshit.
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Realizing I have 143 messages in my email box and I will never, ever, EVER get the initiative to deal with labeling/moving/deleting them. There's a job in this for someone. I'm not sure how, exactly, it would go down, but I think it has great growth potential.
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The fact that for the past couple of weeks, basically since Blogger bogarted my nice, old, I-know-how-to-use-it dashboard and replaced it with this bullshit new one, my scheduled posts have not been posting. NOT HELPFUL, BLOGGER.
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Old people racing me to the checkout lanes in the grocery store. Listen, I know you are nearing the end of days, but you are going to take TWICE as long for half the items because you are either going to write a check OR you are going to try and come up with exact change using your bony, arthritic fingers WHICH NO LONGER FIT IN YOUR CHANGE PURSE. Just let me and my debit card and my as of yet still limber limbs go in front of you and not make it seem like I'm a dick for cutting off the old person who is s-l-o-w-l-y edging in front of me.
Now that I'm going straight to hell, what are things that have been kind of bugging you, but not enough to make your head explode?
Skinny jeans still bother me.
ReplyDeletePeople at grocery stores who hog the aisle bother me a lot.
People who stare at me when I go out, 9 months pregnant, probably worried I'll give birth right there.
People who as me when I'm going to 'pop' - I always want to say, I'm not gonna 'pop, I'm not a fucking balloon.
My neighbors.
Wow, that's a long ass list.
Hahahh the grocery store thing is super annoying. Last time I was behind someone who wrote a check AND wanted change.
ReplyDeleteAssholes in the grocery store parking lot who refuse to put the damn carts into whatever the cart return thing is called. Wait, is it called cart return? Because that would make sense.
ReplyDeletePeople who jam on the gas to jump in front of me, causing me to have to slam on brakes, then they drive slowly. There's a difference between yield and merge, bitches.
Grown ass men (teens too; they are not exempt, but the men! COME THE FUCK ON!) who wear their pants under their ass.
The guy on the train this morning who thought it was ok to clip his nails (yes, finger and toe, nasty bastard).
Redneck heifer in Carmax who thought it was necessary to tell her daughter to hit my kid if he took the toy from her. Yes, he was eyeing it, but he hadn't yet made a move. Why're your eyes so big when I say to you "If she hits him, I'll hit you"? And then I dared that FIVE YEAR OLD to hit my TWO YEAR OLD. Sometimes I just want a reason to let the ghetto out.
Eminem could so get it.
Wait, there's more (yes, I know it's two days later; shut up). I hate bill collectors who act like it's a personal affront that I have not paid whatever bill in however long. Like it's affecting THEM, not Capital One, when I don't pay. Using words like "imperative". Bitch, it's imperative that you stop calling me b/c like I told you yesterday when I didn't have the payment, I still ain't got the payment and I don't know when I'm going to have the payment. I'd much rather you just come take the car than keep calling talking about the "dire situation".
DeleteI put her direct dial and extension into an S&M chat room. And then on craigslist.
BEST SOC out there.
ReplyDeleteand it didn't even scare me one bit.
(didja see what I did right there? with all the tiny letters? it was hard. so badly wanted to hit that shift key...)
Miss you, Suni..wish you were close by. You made me feel so cozy and not alone at EBWW. Thank you! You made a HUGE difference.
Why don't our scheduled posts post??
ReplyDeleteWTF? I sent a query out to Blogger and they came back with "doh did you hit publish after your scheduled date?"
No shit, only been doing it for OVER TWO YEARS NOW.
Oh shit, I have become very random with capitalizing or not capitalizing. Mending my ways, RTFN (right the fuck now.)
ReplyDeleteAnd I give you mad props for totally going there with the old folks. It's true. You can't do ANYTHING in that situation without looking like a jerk. So unfair. They should back down. Seriously.
holy balls. i just wrote a very similar blog post, only mine is more depressing. yay for us! wanna run away together? also, i'm too lazy to initial cap my letters on blog comments... :)
ReplyDeleteIf I started I would never stop. I am the female Andy Rooney. Trust me, it will only lead to indigestion.
ReplyDeleteI say have a sandwich, it's what I do when I'm pissed off.
Tailgaters.
Insurance bitches. Like people on the phone for insurance companies who treat you like you're stupid and turn me into a raging homicidal maniac.
have a lard sandwich with fried butter and mayo. Hey Pish, can you use that as a Saturday recipe?
ReplyDeleteSigh. I am too damn tired to bitch. How much does that suck (hint: a lot). At least I get to live vicariously through you!
I didn't know of any other women "of a certain age" (i.e. over 20) who lover Slim Shady like I do. You think he'd go on a date with us if we brought Tina?
ReplyDeleteI don't like the fact that Eminem and Jay-z aren't as good as they used to be.
ReplyDeleteIf you find someone to help you with the inbox situation, could you send them my way? I am terrible about that too.
ReplyDeleteSagging pants. Seriously, how many years can this possibly stay in fashion. In a weird twist on it, I saw this little gay boy who was trying to sag his skinny jeans the other day. Give it up, sweetheart. Give it up, everyone!
ReplyDeleteI hate house-guests who say this when they are heading off to bed where you have made available two delightful pillows for each person:
ReplyDelete"Ummmm.....do you maybe have a few more pillows? Because I always sleep with FOUR pillows, myself."
And then when you laugh - assuming they must be kidding - they add, "No. Seriously. Do you have more pillows? I need FOUR."
And then you actually find MORE PILLOWS instead of telling your house-guest to suck it up because at least we're not in Afghanistan.
And then you hate yourself a little for not having more balls.
But at least you have PLENTY OF FUCKING PILLOWS.
Yeah. I hate that. But my head didn't explode.
And I hate that this is a true story.
You must hate me because sometimes I don't use caps. This will now cause me to stop and take pause on whether I comment and write you emails (which btw, takes you forever to respond to, maybe because you have 143?) because I don't want to incur your wrath.
ReplyDelete