Thursday, April 26, 2012

PMS Tastes Delicious

I was working from home the other day and had a nice lunch of whole wheat spaghetti with grilled veggies and chicken and I thought, "You know what this needs? Cheesecake."

So I made a cheesecake.  It's been a while since I've done a recipe, but here it is:

Suniverse's Fuck That Whole Wheat Spaghetti Cheesecake
Serves 1 to dozens, depending on the severity of the PMS


1 sleeve slightly expired chocolate graham crackers [relax, they'll be fine]
3 tablespoons butter, melted

5 8oz packages of cream cheese [or get that giant brick at Costco], softened
5 eggs, room temperature
1 cup sugar
1/4 cup sour cream [optional - I had some in the fridge that needed using]
1Tablespoon-ish vanilla

1. Plan ahead.  Set out the cream cheese and the eggs for a couple of hours to take the chill off.
2. Preheat the oven to 350 degrees.
3. Crush the shit out of the graham crackers.  I used the food processor since the husband was going to be doing the dishes later.
4.  Line a 9 x 13 baking dish with parchment paper. I like to make the cheesecake like this instead of in a springform pan because I am lazy and also it's a lot easier to freeze squares of cheesecake in cupcake liners for later.  If there is a later.
5. Mix the graham crackers and butter together. I just do this in the baking dish since I am, as noted, lazy.
6. Using an electric mixer, or a wooden spoon if you are Popeye, whip the cream cheese until it's smooth.  This could take a bit of time, but you want it nice and creamy.
7. Add the eggs, one at a time, and continue mixing until they are completely incorporated.
8. Add the vanilla. I usually add more than I'm supposed to because I don't feel like getting a measuring spoon and I like the flavor. Who cares?
9. Smugly pour the cream cheese mixture on top of the chocolate crust, thinking about how simple it is to make cheesecake, stopping after you've got half of the mix on the crust when you realize you forgot to add the fucking sugar.
10. Get the goddamn sugar.
11. Pour it in the mixing bowl.
12. Stare at the pile of cream cheese mixture on the chocolate crust. Slowly scoop some of the mixture back into the bowl, stopping when you realize that you're pulling up crust.
13. Say fuck a few more time.
14. Mix the sugar up in the half of the cream cheese mixture that's in the bowl.
15. Layer this in the baking dish on top of the unsweetened cream cheese mixture.
16. Put it in the oven and hope for the best.
17. Bake for 45 minutes or until the center is only slightly jiggly [like my ass].

I know people get super bent about water baths and high heat and then low heat and blah blah blah, cracked top, but seriously, cheesecake is not that hard to make.  It's only got a few ingredients, which, if you actually use them all at once, make for some delicious tasting treats.  And if it cracks? WHO CARES? It is cheesecake.  Put a topping on it and call it a day.

Cracked like a motherfucker, and still delicious.


  1. You need to have a cooking show. Absolutely. A PMS cooking show. Darn my phone. I can't get the exclamation point to work. Just re-read this comment and imagine it with exclamation points.
    You are brilliant, by the way.

  2. I totally agree with Heather. This is my kind of cooking. (If I cooked). Come to Google+ sometime and say hi. I have a heating pad on a chair, waiting for you.(It gets cold and lonely there. Always waiting for you to return, yet you never do :( )

  3. I third that emotion. It would be the only cooking show worth watching.

    This recipe looks fantastic - I can't wait to get sister in law to make it for me! I can make peanut butter sandwiches and little cubes of cheese on toothpicks.

    Sarah xxx

  4. Kudos. Next time, Fuck That Whole Wheat Spaghetti Brownies. Please?

  5. fuck me, I LOVE cheesecake. Kudos, woman, kudos.

  6. That was the most hilarious set of baking instructions I've ever read. Thank you.

  7. I invite you to come visit me and bake me cheesecake. Thanks.

  8. I LOVE the title for your cheesecake. As a cheesecake pro (I have actually sold them and been asked to cater a wedding) I gotta say...sounds a lot like my recipe. If I'm making them for fancy occasions then I will go through the trouble of the water bath and blah blah (I mean someone is paying my ass to make it look nice). But I agree with you, if you're just whipping one up, you're gonna be tearing into that sucker like a present on christmas morning so what do cracks matter? I never hear my mouth complaining about cracks.

  9. Isn't it amazing how much better cooking can be with the addition of "fuck?"

    And, yeah, to the "it's rubbish if it cracks" crowd, it's fucking cheesecake. You're going to close your eyes so that your eyeballs don't pop out of your head when they roll back in your head from orgasmic delight when you eat it, anyway.

  10. I am making this today. For breakfast. ps Your cooking demonstration reminds me of a lady I found on YouTube when desperatly looking for turkey-cooking tips who advises viewers to "just put the fucking turkey in the oven".

  11. mouth watering... seriously. almost choked on my saliva.

  12. so glad you had to put in step 10. I might've forgotten........

    ps-- new follower alert! will be back!

  13. So glad I'm not the only one who says fuck while baking. I'm pretty sure Betty did too. Also "serves 1.." so true.

  14. ooooh a whole new side of you that I didn't know.

  15. I would have thoroughly enjoyed this if not for my daughter bitching about the tiny scrape on her toe that Jesus fuck might as well be a catastrophic chainsaw gouge judging from the drama. I don't know how ANYONE bakes without multiple expletives. And I always forget the sugar. Particularly when my ADD mother emails me the recipe, because she usually forgets to list the sugar. The last cheesecake I made was an infinite pain in the ass with the water baths and the exotic ingredients - I had to bake cookies from another recipe in the book and THEN GRIND THEM UP FOR THE CRUST. I did it, because it was for a fancy dinner party. It was no better than the simpler cheesecakes I usually make, which are more like yours. And I don't have to say fuck as many times.

  16. Awesome! Have nor laughed out loud reading a recipe Oh, ever. And I don't even like cheesecake but I might make it now juSt because I love how you threw down something yummy and were all, "fuck this shit!" to the cheesecake rules! Bwa!

    I'll be baaaack!

  17. Splendiferous.

    I love that I'm not the only one that gets bitchy with the recipe making. I've tried to tone it down. But sometimes you just want to type "just put the fucking turkey in the motherfucking oven and cook it."

    And I think we all understand that wholewheat spaghetti and veggies is only adequate 3/4 of the time.

    funny :)

  18. I think my first tattoo will be "hope for the best."

    Either that or "cracked like a motherfucker and still delicious."

    What do you say? On my forehead?


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