Monday, July 23, 2012

Getting to know all about you

You know how you are out in public and you hear stuff that you can't believe came out of someone's mouth, and you suddenly assume that you are being videotaped, because there is no way this is really happening?

I'd been taking the girl to physical therapy, and while she is there, this old man is also there getting who knows what done to his who knows where.  Anyway, he talks non-stop from the time he walks in the door until he leaves.  The girl and I have perfected the art of the WTF Face [her physical therapist kind of laughs softly and shakes his head, like he can't believe it either, because WE CANNOT BELIEVE OMFG WHY ISN'T THIS SOUNDPROOFED?].  Here are some of Old Man McTalky's gems:

"Koreans are a very proud people.  They're the Jews of the Orient."

"I remember my grandpa sitting on his back porch.  The heaviest thing he lifted was his pipe."

"I was married to her, but I couldn't leave her.  She had mental problems. Like crazy people do."

[About some famous couple on a magazine he was looking at] "They're having a baby? And they're not married? Is that something to be proud of? I'm old school."

Here are some other things I've heard recently that have made me wonder why I have ears:

"Oh, come on, I agree with some of what Ron Paul has to say."

"Me? Oh, I sell Amway. Can I talk to you for a minute?"

"So I was hanging out with this couple, and then we started doing coke, and then they started to, you know, have sex with me, and I thought, 'Well, I guess so, I mean, what am I supposed to do?' I mean, they did give me coke."*

"Can I have some of your fries?"

"I don't read. I read a lot in school."

* This was actually from a number of years ago, but I still kind of . . . I mean WTF?  Seriously?  PS I personally have never done cocaine, as I have enough issues with my mind racing as it is, so maybe this is cocaine etiquette?

Now it's your turn.  Statements that have made you question humanity?


  1. Well, if they *did* give them coke. HAHAHA.

    I don't know if you've heard my woes of my grannie on The Twitter but, dude, I fucking sugar coat that shit. She's out of control... which is only intensified in public. I often think she pretends to be "more deaf" in public so everyone can hear her bigotry.

  2. Bahahah you could start a twitter for him! Those would be great tweets.

  3. Haha. I actually love to overhear people's conversations because they are often highly entertaining. Now that people are always talking on cell phones in public, I hear crazy stuff all the time.

  4. I was working a pet adoption event Saturday, and a woman was filling out an adoption application, which, among other things, asks you to list the members of your household. She was talking to herself (alarm bells) as she filled it out, and she burst out with, "I guess I should list my husband ... no, F*CK my husband! He doesn't need to know about this sh*t!"

  5. I'm with Gia.

    I smell twitter in there.

  6. Sex is usually a form of gratuity when receiving coke. All the movies say so.

    Here are things I've heard recently that have made me want to say FME (ears):

    In the grocery store: "Move over, Ugly; I can't see through you." A mother to her child.

    In the AT&T store: "I think my phone is broken. I called myself and it only gives a busy signal." An idiot to the salesperson who should have said come back when your high wears off.

    At California Pizza Kitchen: "Can I have the Jamaican jerk pizza but with no bacon, no chicken, no onions, no peppers." A stupid customer who clearly just wanted a cheese pizza with the sauce from the Jamaican jerk pizza because IT COMES WITH BACON, CHICKEN, ONIONS, AND PEPPERS, dumb ass.

    In front of my immediate neighbor's house: "Just call it in stolen." A dumb ass dude who was on the wrong side of the road at 3 a.m., ran into a parked car, then decided to push his car farther down the street, then lie to the police about it being stolen. The neighbor comes out and asks the guy if he needs help. Together they make up this plan. Um, dumb ass, don't you think the police will ask why you are here if the car was stolen AND YOU LIVE IN MD, NOT DC?

  7. Nothing I can remember is even going to compare, but I heard a lady in Target on Sunday saying to her son, "Those aren't gummy bears. They're vitamins. There shouldn't even be vitamins that look like candy. It's the worst idea ever."

    Really? The worst idea ever?

  8. Wait you DON'T have to have sex with a couple when they give you coke?


  9. As a general rule, I try to have sex with whomever is having sex with me, regardless if there was cocaine involved.

    A few years ago, I was in San Francisco on business and someone in my group talked a limo driver into driving us back to our hotel for the cost of a cab. During the trip, he talked about how beautiful the woman sitting next to him was, and how much he'd love to see her in only her underwear, talked about the differences in Oakland & San Francisco in purely racist terms, and nearly crashed a good half-dozen times.

    Best cab ride ever.

    1. That first line literally made me laugh out loud.

  10. when i did blow i didn't want to share anything with anyone except every single one of my brilliant ideas.

  11. Ilovethissomuch. This made me laugh hard. People say the craziest stuff. I can't get enough of it.

  12. So I used to work with this girl, who once relayed to me a story about going out with another male coworker. Apparently they were doing coke, supplied by him, and he wanted to do lines off her ass. And she let him, because, you know, 'he was nice enough to share.'

    Um, okay.

  13. "Can I have some of your fries?" So funny.

  14. Clearly he is the Henny Youngman of bigotry.

  15. "IS YOUS AIGHT GERL?!" Violently screamed a mom into the face of her 6yo daughter in the middle of a crowded exhibit at the zoo, because the girl accidentally bumped her arm.
    My SIL almost pulled my arm off to keep me out of that conversation.

    As for the coke sex, I have very sensitive sinuses. People know better than to offer it to me. I sneeze a lot. So i wouldn't know.


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