Monday, August 20, 2012

I went to BlogHer and all you got was this lousy [and late] post


Did you think I had vanished?

I kind of thought so, too.

BUT, rest assured, I have not.  I am still here, enjoying being fortygoddamnfour like nobody's business, and being kinder to myself and others. Mostly myself because fuck everyone else [but not you, never you].  That's my mantra this year.


I went to BlogHer. And it was fun and exhausting and draining and exciting and why the fuck did I never move to New York when I was younger and had more moxie? WHY didn't I?

I got into town early and took a ride into town from the airport with Alexandra, who gets sweeter every time I see or talk to her. Seriously. I think the reason that Adult Onset Diabetes is on the rise is because of her.

I also met up with my cousin who lives in Manhattan and who is living my life - the life I expected to be living.  As she said, and as I know, it's always greener on the other side, and I'm trying to let go recriminations and dwelling, so I'll just say she's fabulous and I'm fabulous and I had a great time with her.  We went out to dinner and I had a horrific panic attack and she was a trooper.  Truly.

I ended up not being able to sleep much that night, because of the crazy, which meant I started out the conference in a sleep deficit.  And I also started it out stress pooping, which was awful but had a wonderful unintended side effect, in that I knew all the secret passageways around the hotel and to and from my hotel, as well as all the excellent empty bathrooms on every floor. I also knew where every water refill station was, so THAT was good. And I found a great Au Bon Pain which was a life saver because the food was pretty blech, which is to be expected at any conference.

As to the conference itself - I met up with a lot of great people, some for only a few minutes, some for longer, depending on our schedules. I'm not including any names, because I will forget a lot of people, as evidenced by the fact that I FORGOT THAT I HAD ALREADY BEEN INTRODUCED TO PEOPLE AND SPENT TIME WITH THEM A FEW HOURS EARLIER. Yes. I'm a douche.

I ended up at a couple of sessions I hadn't planned on attending, and as usually happens, those were the most interesting ones and the ones that helped me focus.  I'm still trying to figure out if it was worthwhile, as I don't necessarily consider myself a "BlogHer" blogger - I'm not really a mom blogger or a craft blogger or a DIY blogger, and they don't really have a foul-mouthed humor blogger category.  I DID love meeting so many of the wonderful people in person that I connect with online, and for that, it was completely worthwhile. So rather than look at this as every moment having to be a move toward me being an amazing writer/published memoirist/novelist, I'm going to do what I do with work-type conferences and think that if there are three things I can take away, then I win. 

1.  People are fucking amazing.

2.  I can write what I want and it's o.k.

3.  Everyone can make pictures!

I also had an incredible roommate, who added to my sleep deficit.  Leslie from The Bearded Iris and I were sharing a room for 3 nights and we consistently stayed up until 3:30am or so talking about the day.  I'm still BlogHer hungover and haven't yet completely unpacked, but fuck it. I'm 44 and I don't have to do a goddamn thing I don't want to.

And neither do you.

PS You can still click through and buy a Swiffer Wet Jet Starter Kit if you want to!


  1. There should totally be a foul-mouthed humor blogger category. You'd be the queen of the group.

    1. I don't understand why that's not a category either, I mean, seriously!

  2. I'm with Nelly. That fucking category should exist. Shit. Anyway, it was wonderful to feel you up, wait, rub breasts, wait, oh, never mind. It was great to actually meet you. Please keep on doing whatever the hell you want. And know that my suitcase is still sitting in the bedroom (yay! it made it up from the living room!) partially empty. I think it's a reminder that I was actually there. But more likely it's just that I'm lazier than the laziest motherfucker you know.

  3. Word. Meeting you was a highlight, and while I'm pretty "Meh." about BlogHer being in Chi-town next year...I'm definitely going. Be there or get your ass kicked!

  4. MEETING YOU, the highlight, the laughter, the WTF of an awesome weekend.

    I feel so lucky that I just got to HUG you, you amazing BITCH. I love you...


  5. There was no foul-mouthed humor blogger break-out session? Seriously? You got ripped off. That being said, I still would have given my left breast to have been there. Okay, maybe not a breast, but maybe a back tooth. And I even managed a crappy post about NOT being there. {someone has to boo-hoo in their beer}

  6. I wanted to move to NYC back in the day and there are still times I regret not having done so. Every time I visit I kick myself. Literally.

    And I agree with Nelly - you should start your own category. You trailblazer.

  7. I'm just honored you play WWF with me, pretty sure I'd shit myself if I actually got to hug you. Glad you had a good time, NYC is awesomesauce.

  8. You are in a category all your own and I adore you. I think all of us who didn't move to NYC regret it! Wish I would have gone so we could have bumped into each other at Au Bon Pain because you're right, conference food does suck!

  9. Oh, my sweet lady:


    It's always the foul mouthed humor bloggers that make the best and truest of friends.

    Love you so very, very much: between me and you and the lamp post, you know how you came to my rescue more than I can say here.

    You really did. You were there for me, and this conference...just like EBWW, would not have been the same conference it was, without you.

    I told you then, and I'm telling you now: Anyone that has you in their life, is a lucky lucky person indeed.

    You are my safety net.

    If I'm lucky, you always will be.

  10. If there weren't already a whole lotta reasons to think you're plupersuperfantastic, here's one more: you just used the word moxie. God love you. You've got a lotta moxie still, lady. I mean, you live in fucking DETROIT, for god's sake. life in new york is like life anywhere else, but dirtier and more expensive and with a LOT more street vendors. Meeting you was a high point of BH12, that's for damn sure. And I say we propose a "foul-mouthed humor" panel for next year. For which we would prepare more in advance than some of the others, which were clearly thought about on a napkin in the elevator the night before.

  11. I knew you'd rock the conference, but had no idea you were so well versed in scouting bathrooms. Just when I think I couldn't love you more...


  12. oh my god - stress poop is the worst! so is stress gas. i had such bad stress gas at the San Diego writer's conference i had to lay down in my back seat with my ass in the air to get some relief.


    um, i say you and i start a new category for amazing curly-haired women in their 40s who use foul language and point out the irony in every fucking thing.

    tomorrow, i'm 42 years of age. and i couldn't be happier.


  13. I'm pretty sure there is, in fact, a foul-mouthed humour blogger category, at least unofficially, because how the hell would any of us survive parenting or figuring out our fucking identity or whatever or - jesus - politics WITHOUT foul-mouthed humour? Which, fuck you spellcheck, DOES SO have a 'u' in it around these parts. And I feel the same about the conference - I'm not any better at blogging, but the people were awesome. And the ubiquitous raw mini-cheeseburgers were gross.

  14. Ha, I love you Suniverse. It was awesome to meet you in person, definitely one of the highlights of the conference for me!

  15. You totally stole my mantra: Fuck Everyone Else!

    So now I have two months until my own 44th birthday to come up with something original.

    Good thing I'm a writer.

    Hey. How about Fuck Writing!

    That works, right?

    (Can't wait to catch up. Is it Labor Day yet?)

  16. I don't know what category I fit into really either. Maybe the scattered haphazard whiner category. Oh well. Sounds like you had fun though. Sorry about the stress pooping. I like to enjoy that too before events now that I'm 40. It's rad.


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