Tuesday, October 23, 2012

Age isn't only in my mind

I've noticed a few things about myself as I've gotten older.  I mean, besides the creaky body and the inability to function after 9:00pm.  I know that age is just a number and you're only as old as you feel [god, I hope not], but I swear, there are things about me that are not what they once were.

This is what I want to tell my body, but it probably would and then where would we be?

For example:

** My bladder has weird Pavlovian-training thing, in that sometimes if I even think I have to go pee, I'm already going.  Or sometimes it's the overachiever, jumping the gun as soon as I cross the threshold into the bathroom.

** My muscles aren't as limber as they once were, in that I can pull something by simply drying myself off or bending over to open the oven door. Evidently I should live in filth and only eat stove-top food.

** My sense of where I end and the walls begin has completely evaporated, in that I'm constantly sporting bruises on my arms and shoulders from bumping into walls that I SWEAR TO GOD weren't there when I walked past earlier.

**  My ears have developed a weird tic where any music played by others is just too damn loud, in that I'm constantly telling the husband and the girl to turn down that crap [ugh, seriously, there's no reason for Radiohead].  Oddly enough, I have to turn up my favorite songs because I can't quite hear them well enough.

I keep thinking if I just work out more or sleep better or take enough vitamins I can once again walk gaily through my day, not worrying that I'll end up with a headache because I didn't hydrate properly.

What fucked up thing have you noticed about your body as you've aged?  Please don't tell me it's that you've become better at metabolizing supersized extra fake butter popcorn.  I don't think we can be friends if that's the case.


  1. I am betrayed by my body every.damn.day. Just this morning, I thought my pajamas were bunched up, but no, it was just my flesh belt.

  2. Hair. I now have hair growing in places where delicate, youthful ladies should not have hair.

  3. I can't get through a whole night without peeing at least once. Such a bummer. I also have an absurd amount of creams and ointments that need daily application. Very time consuming.

    My husband has the hearing loss. I feel really bad for him. It's also sooooo annoying. I have a thing about repeating myself.

    Getting old is super lame.

  4. As far as the bladder thing goes, well, let's just say my shock absorbers aren't what they used to be. Laughing, coughing, and sneezing all have added repercussions these days. Don't even ask me to jump.
    And, my joints have formed their own little percussion section. Pop! Pop! Pop!
    Glad to hear I'm not alone!

  5. Washing my ass crack requires physical dexterity that I apparently don't possess anymore. :::sadface:::

    And I can't be on my knees, for yoga OR funtimes with hubs for very long. :::HUGE sadface:::

    TMI? See, I don't even know anymore. Judgement, gone. Givafuk, in shambles.

  6. I pulled my back a while ago just cleaning out the kitty litter box. Pretty pathetic.

  7. I'm actually really, really curious about the whole "crossing the threshold to the bathroom" thing. Because I'm convinced that the urge to pee increases with my proximity to a place where I can relieve myself.

    I know I've held a LOT more than some of the times that I've had to make a "nature's portapotty" emergency landing when I found a gas station bathroom occupied.

  8. Eating less and less but gaining more and more weight.

  9. Dude - did I ever tell you about the time I dislocated a rib? BY BREATHING? I win at being a lame-ass old person.

  10. I can live with the bladder thing, and the muscle thing, and yes the irritating sounds and hearing thing. But I have this obscenely swollen bird finger on my right hand. Evidently an arthritis flare up (when the fuck did I develop arthritis?) and now I look like I am permanently flipping everyone off. Which doesn't go over well at work. *sigh*

  11. Was just talking to husband the other night about the fact that even though I've been doing the same work out four days a week for nearly a year I still feel sore the morning after every. damned. time. What the hell body? Jesus, get used to it already. Will I ever be able to do any physical activity without feeling sore the next day? Also, three years ago I tore my rotator cuff playing Wii tennis. Aging sucks.

  12. Oh, of all I could choose, ALL I COULD CHOOSE: it's the bladder that bothers me the most.
    I can't do anything on a full bladder.
    And by anything I mean *ahem* anything.


  13. I used to be able to eat a lot & stay skinny. I miss that THIS MUCH!!!

    Everytime I hear a song about doin' it all night long, I think no way, I need my sleep. Then I think, " I'm old!"

  14. I fart when I walk. That used to only happen to my mother.

  15. The bladder thing is so annoying. Even worse though is the way the farts are always escaping. Bending over, walking, coughing or sneezing is likely to cause one to sneak out. And to top it off, apparently I can't fart without my bladder leaking too.


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